Steven Wright famous quotes

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
-- Steven Wright

#Memories #Thinking #Past

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
-- Steven Wright

#Success #Funny Inspirational #Failure

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
-- Steven Wright

#Birthday #Fighting #My Birthday

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
-- Steven Wright

#Sarcastic #Sports #Fun

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
-- Steven Wright

#Life #Reading #Poetry

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
-- Steven Wright

#Girlfriend #Psychics #Mets

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
-- Steven Wright

#Work #Fire #Parks

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
-- Steven Wright

#Funny #Witty #Laughter

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
-- Steven Wright

#Fun #Coffee #Microwaves

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
-- Steven Wright

#Funny #Country #Witty

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
-- Steven Wright

#Funny #Thinking #Games

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
-- Steven Wright

#Laughing #Forests #Comedy

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
-- Steven Wright

#Fun #Work #Distance

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.
-- Steven Wright

#Believe #Hands #Raises

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-- Steven Wright

#Life #Sarcastic #Memories

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
-- Steven Wright

#Beach #Nature #Fun

In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.
-- Steven Wright

#Hard Work #Successful #Way

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
-- Steven Wright

#Monday #Way #Awful

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
-- Steven Wright

#Death #Suicide #Food

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
-- Steven Wright

#Funny #Christmas #Brother

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
-- Steven Wright

#Funny #Business #Saws

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!
-- Steven Wright

#Funny #Dog #Silly

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
-- Steven Wright

#Elephants #Pet #Comedy

What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.
-- Steven Wright

#Crazy #Matter #Logic

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
-- Steven Wright

#Car #Dizzy #Driving

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?
-- Steven Wright

#Men #Feet #Shoes

How do you get off a non-stop flight?
-- Steven Wright

#Flight

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
-- Steven Wright

#Power #Yesterday #People

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
-- Steven Wright

#Night #Wake Up #Letters

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
-- Steven Wright

#Use #Comedy #Mime

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
-- Steven Wright

#Years #Sea #Fishing

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
-- Steven Wright

#Moving #Light #Car

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.
-- Steven Wright

#Beer #Smoking #Weight

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
-- Steven Wright

#Fun #Thinking #Civilization

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
-- Steven Wright

#Motivational Sports #Thinking #Indy 500

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
-- Steven Wright

#Summer #August #Weather

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
-- Steven Wright

#Time #Banking #Saws

I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".
-- Steven Wright

#Morning #Stuff #Stolen

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
-- Steven Wright

#Funny #Two #Pennies

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
-- Steven Wright

#Coffee #Comedy #Break

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
-- Steven Wright

#Funny #Laughter #Humor

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
-- Steven Wright

#Humor #People #Comedy

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
-- Steven Wright

#Night #People #House

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
-- Steven Wright

#Fun #Ocean #Would Be

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
-- Steven Wright

#Funny #Hilarious #Witty

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
-- Steven Wright

#Inspirational #Life #Thinking

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
-- Steven Wright

#Life #Baby #Beach

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
-- Steven Wright

#Funny #Food #Humor

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
-- Steven Wright

#Birthday #Friends #Sight

What a nice night for an evening.
-- Steven Wright

#Nice #Night #Evening

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
-- Steven Wright

#Sarcastic #Cat #Sarcasm

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
-- Steven Wright

#Funny #Hilarious #Sarcastic

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
-- Steven Wright

#Way #Sides #Visionaries

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
-- Steven Wright

#Friends #Car #Funeral

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
-- Steven Wright

#Love #Dream #Funny Inspirational

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
-- Steven Wright

#Light #Doe #Comedy

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
-- Steven Wright

#Water #Add

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
-- Steven Wright

#Comedy #Swimmer

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
-- Steven Wright

#Travel #Memories #Funny Life

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
-- Steven Wright

#Hours #Faster #Officers

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
-- Steven Wright

#Funny #Time #Years

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
-- Steven Wright

#Time #Thinking #Steps

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
-- Steven Wright

#Phones #Ears #Mouths

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
-- Steven Wright

#Death #Fun #Science

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
-- Steven Wright

#Inspirational #Life #Motivational

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
-- Steven Wright

#Humor #Orange #Carrots

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
-- Steven Wright

#Iron #Fog #Comedy

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
-- Steven Wright

#Funny #Witty #Book

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
-- Steven Wright

#Funny #Science #Comedy

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
-- Steven Wright

#Thinking #Comedy #Express Yourself

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
-- Steven Wright

#Light #Car #People

If God dropped acid, would he see people?
-- Steven Wright

#Funny #People #Drug

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
-- Steven Wright

#Writing #Editing #Comedy

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
-- Steven Wright

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
-- Steven Wright

#Funny #Bird

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
-- Steven Wright

#Procrastination #Tomorrow #Spontaneous

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
-- Steven Wright

#Justice #Experience #Needs

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
-- Steven Wright

#People #Reminiscing

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
-- Steven Wright

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
-- Steven Wright

#Eyeglasses #Comedy #Streets

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
-- Steven Wright

#Kids #Guy #Schedules

Hermits have no peer pressure.
-- Steven Wright

#Funny #Solitude #Pressure

I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
-- Steven Wright

#Kids #Eye #Black And White

It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.
-- Steven Wright

#West #Internet #Wild West

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
-- Steven Wright

#Sacrifice #Years #Cake

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
-- Steven Wright

#Time #Humor #Thinking

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
-- Steven Wright

#Time #Food #Bird

I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
-- Steven Wright

#Years #People #Comedian

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
-- Steven Wright

#Firsts #Killing #First Time

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?
-- Steven Wright

#Night #Lasts #Roommate

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
-- Steven Wright

#Death #Suicide #Half

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
-- Steven Wright

#Cute #Time #Waiting

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
-- Steven Wright

#House #Way #Ends

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
-- Steven Wright

#Inferiority #Very Good #Inferiority Complex

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
-- Steven Wright

#Inspirational #Funny #Men

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
-- Steven Wright

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
-- Steven Wright

#Dying #Almost Dying #Bungee

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
-- Steven Wright

#Depression #Sarcastic #Anger

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
-- Steven Wright

#Friendship #Taken #Space

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
-- Steven Wright

#Karaoke #Lips