Johnny Carson famous quotes

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
-- Johnny Carson

#Thanksgiving #Holiday #Emotional

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
-- Johnny Carson

#Use #Littles #Comedy

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
-- Johnny Carson

#Death #Sex #Drinking

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
-- Johnny Carson

#Funny #Life #Clever

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
-- Johnny Carson

#Inspirational #Motivational #Positive

Happiness is.....finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry.
-- Johnny Carson

#Two #Olives #Hungry

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'
-- Johnny Carson

#Success #Time #Preparation

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
-- Johnny Carson

#Funny #Christmas #Sarcastic

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.
-- Johnny Carson

#Crazy #Thinking #People

Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.
-- Johnny Carson

#Art #Pie #May

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
-- Johnny Carson

#Men #Funny Marriage #Married

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
-- Johnny Carson

#Birthday #People #Fruitcake

When turkeys mate they think of swans.
-- Johnny Carson

#Drinking #Inspiration #Thinking

We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.
-- Johnny Carson

#Pie #Gone #Firsts

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
-- Johnny Carson

#Funny #Witty #Kids

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
-- Johnny Carson

#Funny #Money #Freedom

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
-- Johnny Carson

#Education #People #Pay

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
-- Johnny Carson

#Funny #Life #Marriage

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
-- Johnny Carson

#Success #Congratulations #Hands

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.
-- Johnny Carson

#Dog #Bottles #Whiskey

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
-- Johnny Carson

#New York #Taken #Humorous

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
-- Johnny Carson

#Growing Up #Mean #President

A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.
-- Johnny Carson

#Fun #Turkeys #Two

Only lie about the future.
-- Johnny Carson

#Lying

Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
-- Johnny Carson

#Travel #Home #Men

They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.
-- Johnny Carson

#Hurt #Hockey #Rad

What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?
-- Johnny Carson

#Character #Modern Life #Plutonium

The good news is that the president gets another chance. The bad news is that he'll be two weeks older.
-- Johnny Carson

#Two #President #Another Chance

Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.
-- Johnny Carson

#Peace #War #Games

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
-- Johnny Carson

#Girl #Beach #Hands

I am one of the lucky people in the world; I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
-- Johnny Carson

#People #Lucky #World

There was this billy goat at a movie studio who found and ate a can of film. When a nanny asked him how he liked it, he said, "It was all right but I liked the book better."
-- Johnny Carson

#Book #Nannies #Goats

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.
-- Johnny Carson

#Hair #Down And #Broke

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
-- Johnny Carson

#Sarcastic #Running #Fats

The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.
-- Johnny Carson

#Drinking #Years #Champagne

The best way to thaw a frozen turkey? Blow in it's ear.
-- Johnny Carson

#Blow #Turkeys #Frozen

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
-- Johnny Carson

#Funny #Australia #News

Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!!
-- Johnny Carson

#Sky #Tree #Storm

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.
-- Johnny Carson

#Successful #Years #Married

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself."
-- Johnny Carson

#Funny #Kings #Singing

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.
-- Johnny Carson

#Time #New York #Humorous

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
-- Johnny Carson

#Funny #Money #Husband

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
-- Johnny Carson

#Funny #Death #Phones

Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'
-- Johnny Carson

#Thinking #Law #Long

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
-- Johnny Carson

#Funny #Happiness #Being Happy

It was so hot today I saw a robin dipping his worm in Nestea.It was so hot today I saw a pigeon walking in the shadow of Orson Welles.It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself.
-- Johnny Carson

#Kings #Singing #Shadow

Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.
-- Johnny Carson

#Happiness #Tanks #Tigers

In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
-- Johnny Carson

#Children #Men #Two

Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
-- Johnny Carson

#Marriage #Girl #Used

There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.
-- Johnny Carson

#Kings #Results #Jew

I heard from my cat's lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.
-- Johnny Carson

#Cat #Want #Today

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called “sucking up to the stars.
-- Johnny Carson

#Stars #Hollywood #Tradition

Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
-- Johnny Carson

#Children #Adults #Doe

As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
-- Johnny Carson

#Two #Awards #Entertainment

Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.
-- Johnny Carson

#Funny #Happiness #Vacation

We're more effective than birth control pills.
-- Johnny Carson

#Pills #Birth Control #Birth

I can't say I ever wanted to become an entertainer. I already was one, sort of-around the house, at school, doing my magic tricks, throwing my voice and doing Popeye impersonations. People thought I was funny; so I kind of took entertaining for granted It was inevitable that I'd start giving little performances.
-- Johnny Carson

#School #Voice #People

I couldn't care less what anybody says about me. I live my life, especially my personal life, strictly for myself.... Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized. I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you.
-- Johnny Carson

#Life #Trying #Care

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
-- Johnny Carson

#Funny #Witty #Humorous