Jay Leno famous quotes

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
-- Jay Leno

#Funny #Christmas #Wise

A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama's economic adviser.
-- Jay Leno

#Jobs #Tunnels #Snow

The Olympics start on Friday, and Russia is implementing the most intensive security in Olympics history. During the games, the government will monitor every email, every social media message, and listen in on every phone call. In fact, people are even comparing Russia to the United States, that's how bad it is.
-- Jay Leno

#Friday #Russia #Phones

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!
-- Jay Leno

#Funny #Romantic #Valentines Day

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.
-- Jay Leno

#Relationship #Mad #Laughing

With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?
-- Jay Leno

#Country #Fire #Bird

You know what you call the two winners of that $580 million PowerBall lottery? ... Former Democrats
-- Jay Leno

#Two #Winner #Democrat

One of President Obama's winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. And believe me, if anyone knows how to cripple an economy, it's President Obama.
-- Jay Leno

#Believe #Winning #Night

These White House scandals are not going away anytime soon. People in Kenya are now saying he's 100 percent American. That's how bad it's gotten.
-- Jay Leno

#White #People #House

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
-- Jay Leno

#Funny #Money #Thinking

Rick Santorum is so conservative; he thinks KY Jelly is jam made in Kentucky.
-- Jay Leno

#Thinking #Kentucky #Jelly

President Obama is coming under criticism now for not meeting with his jobs council. He hasn't met with his jobs council in over six months. You know the reason Obama hasn't met with his job council in six months? They're all out looking for jobs.
-- Jay Leno

#Jobs #Criticism #President

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
-- Jay Leno

#Funny #Humorous #Medicine

Mitt Romney is predicting that as president, he will create 12 million jobs in his first term. Well, President Obama says a Romney presidency would result in lost jobs. Yeah, his and Biden's.
-- Jay Leno

#Jobs #President #Biden

President Obama's re-election campaign said that this year they'll knock on 150 percent more doors than they did in 2008. Well, of course they will. They have to. There's so many foreclosures it's tough to tell where people live.
-- Jay Leno

#Doors #Years #People

President Obama admitted this week that a former girlfriend that he wrote about in his autobiography was made up and not a real person . . . So Obama had an imaginary girlfriend. Big deal! He had an imaginary economic plan. It’s all the same.
-- Jay Leno

#Girlfriend #Real #President

The White House is now urging Americans not to 'read too much' into last week's jobs report. In fact, they said it would be best if you didn't read it at all.
-- Jay Leno

#Jobs #White #House

According to The New York Times, more than half of President Obama's Twitter followers are fake. They don't even exist. Which is actually a good thing because if they did exist there wouldn't be any jobs for them.
-- Jay Leno

#Jobs #New York #Fake

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
-- Jay Leno

#Liars #Eye #Funny Relationship

In an interview with Univision, President Obama said if there's one thing he's learned, it's that you can't change Washington from within. So what is he saying - that if we want real change, we should throw him out?
-- Jay Leno

#Real #President #Want

In Greece, the unemployment rate has risen to 22%. The solution to the problem was to raise taxes on the rich, according to the Greek president Barack Obama-opolis.
-- Jay Leno

#Greek #President #Unemployment

A man in Florida has been arrested for wearing a President Obama mask while robbing a McDonald's. To show you how good this guy's disguise was, instead of a holdup note he was reading from a teleprompter.
-- Jay Leno

#Reading #Men #Florida

The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.
-- Jay Leno

#Iraq #Support #Today

The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular.
-- Jay Leno

#War #Names #Political

Oh, here's your tax dollars at work. This is what makes people furious. The head of the GSA, a woman named Martha Johnson, has resigned after they found out she spent over $830,000 on a four-day government conference in Las Vegas. And the president is furious. Not President Obama, the president of China. It's his money. It's his money she spent.
-- Jay Leno

#Vegas #Government #People

President Obama is currently on a week-long trip to Africa, where he will promote freedom, democracy, and economic opportunity. I guess he figured it hasn't worked here - so try it somewhere else.
-- Jay Leno

#Opportunity #Long #Democracy

President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already illegal?
-- Jay Leno

#Thinking #President #Bills

How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up?
-- Jay Leno

#Government #Worried #Starting

President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money.
-- Jay Leno

#Jobs #Yesterday #President

Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs.
-- Jay Leno

#Morning #Jobs #Yesterday

According to federal reports filed yesterday, the Obama campaign spent more money than they raised in the month of May. They spent more money than they raised? Well, that's called being a Democrat
-- Jay Leno

#Yesterday #Campaigns #May

According to USA Today, 74 percent of Americans plan to hand out candy this Halloween. Although President Obama thinks it should be just the top 1 percent.
-- Jay Leno

#Halloween #Thinking #Hands

You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
-- Jay Leno

#Funny Thanksgiving #Too Much

In Chicago some anti-Mitt Romney protesters told reporters they're being paid to protest. They said they're being paid by Democrats to stand outside and chant anti-Romney slogans. Well, who says President Obama isn't creating any new jobs?
-- Jay Leno

#Jobs #Creating #New Job

A new study says that working fewer hours can slow global warming. So you know what that means? President Obama's economic policy is also his climate change policy.
-- Jay Leno

#Mean #President #Climate

I've lost some weight. I am on that new Obama diet. Every day I let Vladimir Putin eat my lunch.
-- Jay Leno

#Lunch #Weight #Putin

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.
-- Jay Leno

#Believe #Science #Cells

President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama.
-- Jay Leno

#Mean #President #Return

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.
-- Jay Leno

#Life #Men #Giving

The first lady said about her husband, 'I could take up a whole afternoon talking about his failures.' And today she was offered her own show on Fox News.
-- Jay Leno

#Husband #Talking #Fox News

Another air traffic controller fell asleep on the job, but he had a good excuse. He was watching President Obama’s deficit speech.
-- Jay Leno

#Jobs #Air #President

Racecar driving is a lot like sex; all men think they're good at it.
-- Jay Leno

#Sex #Men #Thinking

Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns.
-- Jay Leno

#Gun #Today #South Carolina

CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded.
-- Jay Leno

#War #Cnn #Iraq

Having a life is easy. Having a career is hard to come by.
-- Jay Leno

#Careers #Life Is #Easy

The healthcare reform bill now includes a tanning booth tax of 10 percent. You know what this means? This whole thing could be funded by the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'
-- Jay Leno

#Mean #Reform #Bills

President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner played golf this weekend. Obama’s handicap is Joe Biden.
-- Jay Leno

#Golf #Weekend #House

Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag
-- Jay Leno

#Paying Taxes #Red #Example

Did you hear that we're writing Iraq's new Constitution? Why not just give them ours? We're not using it anymore.
-- Jay Leno

#Writing #Iraq #Giving

We're heading for a gov. shutdown. This is serious. W/o the gov who will fail to inspect our airplanes? Who will fail to secure our borders? Who will put us 14 trillion dollars in debt?
-- Jay Leno

#Airplane #Borders #Dollars

Casey Anthony was found not guilty. This means that President Obama’s economic team is only the second-most clueless group in America.
-- Jay Leno

#Team #Clueless #Mean

A top geneticist at Stanford says human intelligence is declining. You know what that means? We are seeing Congress at its smartest and most effective right now.
-- Jay Leno

#Mean #Congress #Stanford

Sarah Palin has admitted she tried ***** several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she's hoping that the effects will eventually wear off.
-- Jay Leno

#Marijuana #Thinking #Years

It seems that England's royal family is running out of money. They are down to just $1.6 million. Well sure, that's what happens when nobody in your family has had a job for the last thousand years.
-- Jay Leno

#Running #Jobs #Years

President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can't even get this in Florida.
-- Jay Leno

#Strong #Believe #Florida

President Obama announced this week that he is going to start sending out his own messages personally on Twitter. And today Anthony Weiner said, “It’s a trap, don’t do it!” But President Obama’s tweets are a little different than Anthony Weiner’s. When Obama sends out pictures of something obscene, it’s the unemployment numbers.
-- Jay Leno

#Numbers #President #Different

If you think of life as like a big pie, you can try to hold the whole pie and kill yourself trying to keep it, or you can slice it up and give some to the people around you, and you still have plenty left for yourself.
-- Jay Leno

#Thinking #Pie #People

Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street
-- Jay Leno

#Wall #Ideas #Funny Money

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
-- Jay Leno

#Funny #Witty #Two

Neural scientists at M.I.T. say they can plant false memories in your brain. No, that is not new. Politicians have been doing that for years. They’re called campaign promises.
-- Jay Leno

#Memories #Years #Brain

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
-- Jay Leno

#Funny #Politics #Vote

Researchers at Harvard say that taking a power nap for an hour in the afternoon can totally refresh you. They say that by the time you wake up you'll feel so good, you'll be able to start looking for a new job.
-- Jay Leno

#Jobs #Work #Naps

Marriage is grand. Divorce is about twenty grand.
-- Jay Leno

#Divorce #Twenties

Contact with the customer is what business is all about.
-- Jay Leno

#Contact

At the Sharper Image store, I saw a body fat analyzer. Didn't that used to be called a mirror?
-- Jay Leno

#Mirrors #Body #Saws

President Obama had lunch with Republican leaders at the White House today and had to do without salt, pepper and butter. Not for dietary reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything.
-- Jay Leno

#Lunch #White #House

Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, "Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England".
-- Jay Leno

#Thanksgiving #Fun #Long

President Obama is asking Congress to support a military strike in Syria. If they approve, it will be the first time Congress has officially declared war since Obamacare.
-- Jay Leno

#Military #War #Obamacare

You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.
-- Jay Leno

#Inspirational #Mother #Children

Politics is just show business for ugly people.
-- Jay Leno

#Business #People #Ugly

All I ask is that you tip your waiters and waitresses. We have to turn this situation around.
-- Jay Leno

#Waitress #Situation #Turns

For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!
-- Jay Leno

#America #Average #People

I'm glad the government has shut down. Think about it, for the first time in years it's safe to talk on the phone and send emails without anybody listening in.
-- Jay Leno

#Thinking #Phones #Government

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'
-- Jay Leno

#Girl #Yesterday #Mcdonalds

America needs ObamaCare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
-- Jay Leno

#Halloween #Obamacare #America

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.
-- Jay Leno

#Team #Names #Want

It is day two of the Democratic convention, and apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They worked all day on it. They still couldn't get President Obama out of Bill Clinton's shadow.
-- Jay Leno

#Two #Shadow #President

I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder.
-- Jay Leno

#Self Esteem #Thinking #Littles

Diet Coke with lemon - didn't that used to be called Pledge?
-- Jay Leno

#Dieting #Coke #Used

A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers.
-- Jay Leno

#Morning #Government #Pay

Obama called on Americans to have more grandchildren. Probably so there's more of them to pay off our debt.
-- Jay Leno

#Grandchildren #Debt #Pay

If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.
-- Jay Leno

#Funny #Dog #Toilets

Barack Obama said today that politics has become too gummed up by money and influence ... and then he had to leave to attend a fundraiser.
-- Jay Leno

#Today #Influence #Said

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution.
-- Jay Leno

#Funny #New Year #Mean

Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.
-- Jay Leno

#Food #Meals #Soup

A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver.
-- Jay Leno

#Country #Queens #Body

Forty million Americans smoked marijuana; the only ones who didn’t like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton.
-- Jay Leno

#Funny #Marijuana #Judging

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
-- Jay Leno

#New Year #Holiday #Years

Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances.
-- Jay Leno

#Friendship #True Friend #Book

Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it.
-- Jay Leno

#Kings #Humorous #Thinking

I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball. I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football, and I have 20/20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee.
-- Jay Leno

#Basketball #Sports #Football

The first Olympic Games were held in 776 BC. Do you know who lit the flame? Betty White.
-- Jay Leno

#Funny #Flames #Games

Usain Bolt won the gold for the men's 100- and 200-meter dashes for the second Olympics in a row. You know, he has been running since he was in elementary school - kind of like Mitt Romney.
-- Jay Leno

#Funny #Running #School

Congratulations to Mexico. They upset Brazil to win a gold medal in men's soccer. And after the Olympics ended, the Mexican soccer team, of course, returned home to their houses here in Los Angeles.
-- Jay Leno

#Funny #Soccer #Congratulations

Here is your government at work. A congressman from Colorado said he wants to draft a rule that would make it unethical to have a sexual relationship with an intern. Only Congress would need a rule to tell them cheating on their wives is not ethical. Don't we have that rule? I believe it's called the Sixth Commandment.
-- Jay Leno

#Cheating #Believe #Government

Wasn't it thrilling when the U.S. Women's team took home the gold in gymnastics? A group of American teenagers getting a higher score than Chinese kids? That never happens.
-- Jay Leno

#Funny #Teenager #Team

The lead story on MSNBC was the news that there was nothing new to report in the Gary Condit story. So remember when there is nothing new to report, MSNBC will be the station not to report it first.
-- Jay Leno

#News #Stories #Firsts

Political experts are saying the reason John Kerry is doing so well is because he's 'electable.' Hey, so was Al Gore - in fact, he even got elected and it didn't help him at all.
-- Jay Leno

#Political #Experts #Hey

I guess you heard about this; the U.S. Olympic Committee is coming under fire after it was revealed that the uniforms for Team USA to be worn in the opening ceremony were made in China. Turns out they were made by some of the same kids who could beat us in gymnastics. That's the worst part.
-- Jay Leno

#Funny #Team #Kids

The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider.
-- Jay Leno

#Funny #Queens #Ears