Craig Ferguson famous quotes

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Stars #Player #Thinking

A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I'm not going to do anything. I'm going as Congress.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Halloween #Dressing Up #Adults

I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Adventure #Safety

I can't wait to see the debate between Ryan and Joe Biden. Biden is said to be already trying out different strategies. So far the one that Obama likes is where Biden pretends to have food poisoning and they cancel the debate.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Waiting #Trying #Different

I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Recovery #Thinking #Addiction

I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Funny #Zombie #Monsters

Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Country #Years #Upset

The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It's difficult to tell.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Thinking #Botox #Bills

Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Money #Drinking #Heart

When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Thinking #House #Needs

Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Recovery #Addiction #Alcohol

Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Book #Bottles #World

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Thinking #Enjoy

Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Fear #Divorce #Knowing

I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like,'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Hypocrisy #Parent #Care

If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.
-- Craig Ferguson

#People #Giving #Want

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Book #Reading #Bigger

Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Law #Physics #Laws Of Physics

If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Beer #Alcohol #Tequila

It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Fear #Interesting #May

....maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Fun #Attention #Pay

Insiders say Obama's pretty comfortable around actors. He should be. He has been 'acting' like he was born in Hawaii for a long time.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Long #Acting #Actors

I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn't mean that at all. It means that you're afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Moving #Mean #Past

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Funny #Talking

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Dance #Football #Men

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Appreciate #Cows #Thanks

I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Fashion #Believe #Games

That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Evil #Cards #Tonight

Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Christmas #Spiritual #Money

You should never protest outside a rich guy's home during the day because he's not there. He's at work grinding the faces of the poor.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Home #Funny Work #Guy

I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Culture #World #Scots

There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it's twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking...And that's just the part where he fixes his hair.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Sex #Hair #People

CBS announced they're canceling As The World Turns. Don't worry though, if you're addicted to the twisted plots, the intrigue, the illicit sex, you can still watch golf.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Sex #Golf #Worry

The three drunkest cities in America: Fresno, Riverside, and whatever Mel Gibson is driving through.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Cities #America #Three

For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful - the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards - going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Powerful #Joy #Comedy

Scientists say over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost five feet. So the presidential candidates need to do something. Mitt Romney is conflicted. On one hand, he denies that global warming exists. But if California is under water, he would definitely win the next election.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Winning #Feet #Hands

Great, as long as you're happy
-- Craig Ferguson

#Long

I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Thinking #Two #Roots

He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly-headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Dog #Animal #Sheep

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Religious #Lying #Biblical

When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Drinking

School did give me one of the greatest gifts of my life, though. I learned how to read, and for that I remain thankful. I would have died otherwise. As soon as I was able, I read, alone. Under the covers with a flashlight or in my corner of the attic—I sought solace in books. It was from books that I started to get an inkling of the kinds of ***** I was dealing with. I found allies too, in books, characters my age who were going through or had triumphed against the same bullshit.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Book #School #Character

Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Laughter #Giving #Despair

Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Men #Law #Broken

When I went out on tour as Bing Hitler I would hook up with Lenny and we'd get drunk together. He was always very supportive. He was a big star and a lot of what he said to me had power and impact. Apart from that, I just like him.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Stars #Impact #Drunk

The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Men #Hands #Half

President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it’s not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Fake #President #Campaigns

Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I've got to change stuff. Then I'm not doing it.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Mean #Climate #Needs

I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass
-- Craig Ferguson

#Tattoo #Beer #Years

Twas the night before Thanksgiving.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Thanksgiving #Night

There is a scene in the movie where Astrid and Hiccup fly on Toothless's back toward the island of Berk. The animation is intensely real, from the waves on the sea to wisps of wind blowing in the characters' hair. The feeling I get watching that scene is why I fly - just for that feeling.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Real #Character #Islands

They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Nice #Father #Men

I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Thinking #Satisfaction

This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm - I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. I understand that. It was very uncomfortable to write some of it
-- Craig Ferguson

#Funny #Dream #Sex

These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Teacher #Teaching #Kids

The Universe is very, very big.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Time #Bigs #Universe

You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Worry #Stuff #Whole Life

Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell said recently that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they're doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. And I thought, 'Have fun in Congress then.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Sex #Fun #Gay

Democrats are calling Christine O'Donnell 'the Sarah Palin of the East.' Really? She's a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That's not Sarah Palin, that's Joe Biden.
-- Craig Ferguson

#East #Calling #Biden

Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat. Fried food and cigarettes.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Healthcare #Cigarette #Fried Food

Fat is where comedy is stored,
-- Craig Ferguson

#Comedy #Fats

Betty White met with President Obama at the White House. President Obama invited Betty personally because she's great with animals. And the president's still having a tough time house-training Joe Biden.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Animal #White #House

I think that clearly it has an influence, to be coming of age during the punk rock era, to come from a difficult and sporadically violent background, to have been in and out of such chaos, I think it actually helps. But I don't know for sure.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Birthday #Thinking #Rocks

That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Speak

My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Marriage #Mother #Father

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.
-- Craig Ferguson

#People #Giving #Upset

A number of U.S. colleges are going to start having dorms for alcoholics. I believe those are called dorms.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Believe #College #Numbers

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Running #Children #Bars

Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Facebook is exactly like that except you're not really famous and your 15 minutes goes on forever.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Forever #Goes On #Warhol

Why don't they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be awesome. The team from Mexico could wear those Mr. X masks. The French wrestler could hit his opponent with a baguette. Or perhaps just surrender.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Funny #Basketball #Team

I think the scores for Olympic gymnastics are affected by what countries the judge and the gymnast are from. That's wrong. That type of political pandering isn't meant for gymnastic Olympic events. It's meant for the Supreme Court.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Funny #Country #Gymnastics

It's fantastic that Congress has an increasing number of women. Experts call an increasingly female presence in a previously male space 'the Bruce Jenner effect.'
-- Craig Ferguson

#Numbers #Space #Males

For the first time in history, Congress has 100 women in it. Congratulations. Welcome to modern times, America. It's great having 100 women in Congress. Unless you're in line for the congressional bathroom.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Congratulations #America #Lines

Clay Aiken ran for Congress in North Carolina. But he didn't make it. Clay Aiken is famous for coming in second in a TV popularity contest that most people got fed up with years ago. He also lost on 'American Idol.'
-- Craig Ferguson

#Years #Idols #People

Thank heaven Election Day is over. No more campaign ads, no more mud-slinging, no more candidates pretending they're straight. It's over!
-- Craig Ferguson

#Heaven #Campaigns #Mud

Director Oliver Stone says he's going to make a movie about Vladimir Putin. I can't believe anyone would want to work with that insane communist. And Putin is a little crazy as well.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Crazy #Believe #Insane

Democrats in state legislatures are at their lowest level since the 1920s. President Obama has a can't-miss strategy to save the party in 2016. He's leaving.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Party #Missing #Leaving

It is a great day for the great state of Texas. The last person being tested for Ebola has come back clean. So Texas is now Ebola free. This was a big week for them. They're now free of Ebola - and Democrats.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Ebola #Texas #Great Day

It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Veterans Day #Honor #Campaigns

In Washington, the U.S. House passed a bill unanimously. Every single member of both parties voted for it. What was it? To deny Social Security benefits to Nazis. So from now on, no SS for the SS.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Party #House #Benefits

A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Funny #Swimming #Names

Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Funny #Night #Doctors

Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Funny #Sports #Growing Up

I salute Rick Perry for the way he's trying to overcome this. Today he came out and said he's not one of those slick politicians, that this just shows his human side, and some third excuse he can't remember.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Trying #Overcoming #Today

Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Years #Trying #Needs

It's all about the triumph of intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Romance #Triumph #Cynicism

Time is only linear for engineers and referees.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Linear #Referee

Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Brave #Insane #Acid

Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of what if when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Eye #Sight #Years

In some countries Women's Day is a national holiday and men give women flowers. In America Women's Day falls on another holiday, Mardi Gras, where men give women beads in the respectful and post-feminist desire to see their naked boobies.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Country #Flower #Fall

Whoever I had become had to die.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Drinking #Alcohol

Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Yesterday #Tomorrow #Your Future

Don't protest outside of a rich man's house in the daytime, you'll just scare the maid, and that's Arnold Schwarzenegger's job.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Jobs #Men #House

Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Funny #Team #Sailing

The rain is giving much needed relief to California's crops. By that I mean 'marijuana.'
-- Craig Ferguson

#Rain #Mean #Marijuana

The meeting with Prince William took place at the White House because Prince William wanted to see where the president spent his days, but the golf course was covered in snow.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Golf #White #Snow

Today Prince William went to Washington, D.C., and he met with President Obama. He said, 'It feels weird being in the White House because I'm not an American.' And then Prince William said, 'Yeah, me too.'
-- Craig Ferguson

#White #House #President

There is a new survey out about the happiest professions. I think the whole premise is flawed. You're supposed to find true happiness outside of work. From friends, family, and YouTube videos of old people falling down.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Happiness #Fall #Thinking

Halloween's eve is also known as mischief night. Kids are supposed go around playing pranks tonight. That's great, just what teenagers need -- another excuse to be jerks.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Halloween #Teenager #Kids

I used to love going fishing. I think it was really about the clothes. Nothing says real man like a vest with 38 pockets and a mesh hat with hooks in it.
-- Craig Ferguson

#Real #Men #Thinking