Billy Connolly famous quotes

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
-- Billy Connolly

#Funny #Witty #Men

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.
-- Billy Connolly

#Desire #Bars #Politician

There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
-- Billy Connolly

#Being Happy #Weather #Clothes

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
-- Billy Connolly

#Funny #Music #Witty

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
-- Billy Connolly

#Travel #Winter #June

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!
-- Billy Connolly

#Mind #Handbags #Surprise

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
-- Billy Connolly

#Jobs #Fun #Laughing

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.
-- Billy Connolly

#Men #Tea #Trying

If you give people a chance, they shine.
-- Billy Connolly

#People #Giving #Shining

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
-- Billy Connolly

#Marriage #Funny Love #Funny Wedding

I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can't fly
-- Billy Connolly

#Air #Adelaide

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time?
-- Billy Connolly

#Thinking #Cows #Milk

I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.
-- Billy Connolly

#White #Blue #Week

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
-- Billy Connolly

#Mother #Drink #Empty

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
-- Billy Connolly

#Should #Algebra

I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.
-- Billy Connolly

#Sexy #Hate #Rain

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
-- Billy Connolly

#Funny #Sexy #Oysters

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
-- Billy Connolly

#Funny #Witty #Humorous

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.
-- Billy Connolly

#Religion #Islam #Different

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
-- Billy Connolly

#Nuclear #Looks #Comedy

Nothing means anything here. When they pull down an outstanding building, no one objects. Oh, maybe there's a wee protest from some collectors or something who take a picture of it before it vanishes.
-- Billy Connolly

#Mean #America #Building

I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.
-- Billy Connolly

#Dog #Independent #Doors

I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.
-- Billy Connolly

#Different #Hecklers #Gone

,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from.
-- Billy Connolly

#Soccer #Football #People

I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
-- Billy Connolly

#Art #Two #People

Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
-- Billy Connolly

#Looks #Stolen

The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
-- Billy Connolly

#Sex #Men #Race

American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head -- supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
-- Billy Connolly

#Sex #People #Dolls

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"
-- Billy Connolly

#Funny #Baby #Black

I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?
-- Billy Connolly

#Funny #Beach #Hurt

I?m much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America. . . . People shout: "Hey ? I know you! You're That Guy.".
-- Billy Connolly

#Names #America #People

Well, the film's not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it's pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies. I had never read anything like this until I was doing the film, but Mark [Joffe, the director] and people showed me stuff where, like a flood, it mattered where the water came from. If you're flooded from above, you get the money; if you're flooded from below, you don't. What's that about?
-- Billy Connolly

#Thinking #People #Water

I've come in and out of America for... well, I've lived here for 15 years. And I've played here for nearly 30 years. On and off. But I've always played to my fan base. And I can come and do two or three nights in New York or two or three nights in L.A., and all that. But when I go away, nobody knows I've been gone. You know, I don't get reviewed or anything like that. So that's why I've come back and done a longer time in a smaller place, in New York. It's always the people who live here that get a chance to know me.
-- Billy Connolly

#New York #Night #Years

I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline.
-- Billy Connolly

#Lakes #Sea #Fishing

I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
-- Billy Connolly

#People #Singing #Arms

There's nothing like it, but it's not as good as you think it's going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club's badge - but not a sausage.
-- Billy Connolly

#Thinking #Years #People

Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.
-- Billy Connolly

#Life Changing #Successful #Clothes

The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
-- Billy Connolly

#New York #America #Optimism

Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?
-- Billy Connolly

#Funny #Travel #Wings

Never trust people who've only got one book.
-- Billy Connolly

#Book #People #Never Trust

Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over!
-- Billy Connolly

#Born

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
-- Billy Connolly

#Blow #People #Looks

All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.
-- Billy Connolly

#Men #Giving #Tears

I don't aim to offend.
-- Billy Connolly

#Aim

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
-- Billy Connolly

#Comedy #Fame #Euthanasia

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.
-- Billy Connolly

#Soccer #Thinking #Allies

I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
-- Billy Connolly

#Differences #People #Lines

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.
-- Billy Connolly

#Atheist #Believe #Angel

As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.
-- Billy Connolly

#Successful #Scottish

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
-- Billy Connolly

#Zoos #Parent #Pet

Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
-- Billy Connolly

#Jobs #Workplace

I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.
-- Billy Connolly

#Thinking #People #Citizens

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.
-- Billy Connolly

#Thinking #Imagination #Insecurity

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.
-- Billy Connolly

#Believe #Angel #Marijuana

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
-- Billy Connolly

#Blow #Thinking #Make You Think

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
-- Billy Connolly

#Jesus #Names #Mexican

I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.
-- Billy Connolly

#Artist #Scottish #Magritte

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
-- Billy Connolly

#Two #Los Angeles

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
-- Billy Connolly

#Funny #Witty #Waiting

Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.
-- Billy Connolly

#People #Arches #Audience

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
-- Billy Connolly

#Humorous #Mad #Disease

I can't believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
-- Billy Connolly

#Teacher #Jesus #Believe

Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.
-- Billy Connolly

#Dark #People #Want

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
-- Billy Connolly

#People #Looks #Lasts

I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it's not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.
-- Billy Connolly

#Drawing #Acting #Stuff

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
-- Billy Connolly

#Children #Japan #Comedy

I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
-- Billy Connolly

#Islands #Drawing #Desert

When I read 'Be real, don't get caught acting,' I thought, 'How the hell do you do that?'.
-- Billy Connolly

#Real #Acting #Hell

I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them. They're not huge, complicated events; they're just magical wee moments when somebody says 'I love you' or 'You're a really good at what you do' or simply 'You're a good person'.
-- Billy Connolly

#Love You #Thinking #Events

Don't vote, it only encourages them.
-- Billy Connolly

#Political #Election #Vote

For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
-- Billy Connolly

#Animal #Winning #Desire

I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
-- Billy Connolly

#Drinking #Ideas #Stop Drinking

In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.
-- Billy Connolly

#Funny #Travel #Differences

What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes, you f**cking McTosser!
-- Billy Connolly

#Mcdonalds #Jam #Looks

Braveheart is pure Australian shiteWilliam Wallace was a spy, a thief, a blackmailer - a c**t basically. And people are swallowing it. It's part of a new Scottish racism, which I loath - this thing that everything horrible is English. It's conducted by the great unread and the conceited w***ers at the SNP, those dreary little pr**ks in Parliament who rely on bigotry for support
-- Billy Connolly

#Conceited #Racism #People