Funny famous quotes
Last updated: Sep 5, 2024
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I walk up a dune to a beach and look out to sea, but it's 100km away. The ships lie askew in their dry beds, at anchor for ever. Today is my son's birthday. Thousands of miles from here, his healthy lungs are blowing out candles. I should be there but I'm here with another boy, who puts his face close to mine and laughs. I smile back but realise he can't see it, because I'm wearing an antiseptic muzzles to protect me from his breath.
-- A. A. Gill -
They're funny things, Accidents. You never have them till you're having them.
-- A. A. Milne -
In every American there is an air of incorrigible innocence, which seems to conceal a diabolical cunning.
-- A. E. Housman -
Freedom of the press is guaranteed only to those who own one.
-- A. J. Liebling -
The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.
-- A. P. Herbert -
A man and his dog is a sacred relationship. What nature hath put together let no woman put asunder.
-- A. R. Gurney -
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown -
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
-- A. Whitney Brown -
Most people's major life changes don't come from reading an article in the newspaper; they come from reading longer-form essays or thoughtful books, which are much more convincing and detailed.
-- Aaron Swartz -
Books are totally useless unless you take their advice. If you just keep reading them, thinking "that's so insightful! that changes everything," but never actually doing anything different, then pretty quickly the feeling will wear off and you'll start searching for another book to fill the void.
-- Aaron Swartz -
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
-- Abba Eban -
Avoid all needle drugs, the only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.
-- Abbie Hoffman -
True, a little learning is a dangerous thing, but it still beats total ignorance.
-- Abigail Van Buren -
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
-- Abraham Lincoln -
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
-- Abraham Lincoln -
That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?
-- Adam Carolla -
I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.
-- Adam Carolla -
If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.
-- Adam Carolla -
I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.
-- Adam Carolla -
One day in the shower, you figure it out. It's a special day in a man's life. I was like, 'Oh, I found me a hobby.'
-- Adam Ferrara -
'Come out' is so funny to me because I've never been in.
-- Adam Lambert -
I don't want want to go to jail, I'm fragile.
-- Adam Sandler -
He has a 5 year plan... What is it, don't die?
-- Adam Sandler -
Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.
-- Adam Smith -
Ignorance of the law excuses no man from practicing it.
-- Addison Mizner -
God gives us relatives; thank God, we can choose our friends.
-- Addison Mizner -
I have insecurities of course, but I don't hang out with anyone who points them out to me.
-- Adele -
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
-- Adi Da -
It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.
-- Adlai E. Stevenson -
Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue is to a lady; but a newspaper can always print a retraction.
-- Adlai E. Stevenson -
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
-- Agatha Christie -
Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding.
-- Agnes Repplier -
Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals.
-- Agnes Repplier -
The impulse to travel is one of the hopeful symptoms of life.
-- Agnes Repplier -
I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
-- Al Gore -
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
-- Al Gore -
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
-- Al McGuire -
On how to make the game more exciting - Eliminate the referees, raise the basket four feet, double the size of the basketball, limit the height of the players to 5 feet 9 inches, bring back the centre jump, allow taxi drivers in for free and allow the players to carry guns.
-- Al McGuire -
People never ask people doing serious music, 'Do you ever think about doing funny music?'
-- Al Yankovic -
It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only necessary to be rich.
-- Alan Alda -
Had your forefathers, Wigglesworth, been as stupid as you are, the human race would never have succeeded in procreating itself.
-- Alan Bennett -
I had to have a brace because I had big teeth. If I'd gone to Africa I would have got poached.
-- Alan Carr -
What am I supposed to do if I go bald? Get a wig? Fat, goofy, gay, wig. I might as well get a piano and start an Elton John tribute act!
-- Alan Carr -
When I was a kid I used to hate getting picked for team sports. It would be the fit and sporty guys over there. And me and the fat kids over here. Those kids were fat! One girl had to be cut out a hula hoop.
-- Alan Carr -
If a student takes the whole series of my folklore courses including the graduate seminars, he or she should learn something about fieldwork, something about bibliography, something about how to carry out library research, and something about how to publish that research.
-- Alan Dundes -
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
-- Alan Dundes -
Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
-- Alan King -
Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious.
-- Alan Minter -
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
-- Alanis Morissette -
Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.
-- Albert Camus -
It's a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money.
-- Albert Camus -
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
-- Albert Einstein -
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
-- Albert Einstein -
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
-- Albert Einstein -
Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them.
-- Albert Einstein -
The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.
-- Albert Einstein -
If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.
-- Albert Einstein -
The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.
-- Albert Einstein -
Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves.
-- Albert Einstein -
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
-- Albert Einstein -
Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods.
-- Albert Einstein -
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
-- Albert Einstein -
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
-- Albert Einstein -
There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.
-- Albert Schweitzer -
You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.
-- Aldous Huxley -
Everything you add to the truth subtracts from the truth.
-- Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn -
When an Italian tells me it's pasta on the plate, I check under the sauce to make sure.
-- Alex Ferguson -
I tried it 100 or a million times it couldn't happen again. If I could, I would have carried on playing.
-- Alex Ferguson -
Cole should be scoring from those distances, but I'm not going to single him out.
-- Alex Ferguson -
Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help.
-- Alex Haley -
I am dying with the help of too many physicians.
-- Alexander the Great -
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
-- Alexander Woollcott -
Many of us spend half of our time wishing for things we could have if we didn't spend half our time wishing.
-- Alexander Woollcott -
Wherever I have gone in this country, I have found Americans.
-- Alf Landon -
The true God, the mighty God, is the God of ideas.
-- Alfred de Vigny -
Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
-- Alfred Hitchcock -
I never said all actors are cattle; what I said was all actors should be treated like cattle.
-- Alfred Hitchcock -
Puns are the highest form of literature.
-- Alfred Hitchcock -
Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
-- Alfred Hitchcock -
Men at most differ as Heaven and Earth, but women, worst and best, as Heaven and Hell.
-- Alfred Lord Tennyson -
Seeing you lights up my day, to hear your voice makes me smile all cheesy, to see you smile makes my heart all warm and fuzzy, when you say I love you makes my body weak.
-- Alice Gardner -
Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left armpit.
-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth -
When the ax came into the forest the trees said the handle is one of us.
-- Alice Walker -
I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness.
-- Alicia Silverstone -
My boyfriend calls me 'princess', but I think of myself more along the lines of 'monkey' and 'retard'.
-- Alicia Silverstone -
I don't think about what other people expect or anything. I mean, I sit and worrying so much about what I'M thinking, I'd go NUTS if I sat around worrying about other people.
-- Allan Holdsworth -
The whole city gives you the impression of impermanence. You have the feeling that one day someone is going to yell, "Cut! Strike it!" and then the stagehands will scurry out and remove the mountains, the movie-star homes, the Hollywood Bowl--everything.
-- Allan Sherman -
Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage.
-- Allan Sherman -
In Hollywood, we have some of the richest unemployed people in the world. They have sun tans. Some of them have chauffeurs in Rolls-Royces waiting outside. They have their golf clubs ready in the car. There is no law that says you cannot play golf while being unemployed.
-- Allan Sherman -
The more I see of the representatives of the people, the more I admire my dogs.
-- Alphonse de Lamartine -
On the seemingly one-sided relationship between Michael Jordan and his shoe sponsors Nike- The company should change its name to Mike.
-- Alvin Robertson -
I know quickly whether a guy is boyfriend material. If I can have a good time doing absolutely nothing with him, then that's boyfriend material for me. Like if we're able to have fun at a gas station. I've had some really good times at gas stations.
-- Alyson Hannigan -
The funny thing is, the girls that I'm always up against for roles are pretty nice and cool, like Emma Watson. She's awesome.
-- Amanda Seyfried -
War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
-- Ambrose Bierce -
Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
-- Ambrose Bierce -
Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
-- Ambrose Bierce
