Adam Carolla famous quotes

You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.
-- Adam Carolla

#Names #Feelings #Internet

I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe. I know there’s no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won’t admit it because there’s another thing they know. They know they’re going to die and it freaks them out. So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.
-- Adam Carolla

#Atheist #Thinking #Law

I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.
-- Adam Carolla

#Thinking #Fields #Healthcare

When I fart my ***** makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
-- Adam Carolla

#Smell #Sound #Ass

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.
-- Adam Carolla

#Dog #Fun #Good Life

Everything seems overwhelming when you stand back and look at the totality of it. I build a lot of stuff and it would all seem impossible if I didn't break it down piece by piece, stage by stage. The best gift you can give yourself is some drive--that thing inside of you that gets you out the door to the gym, job interviews, and dates. The believe-in-yourself adage is grossly overrated.
-- Adam Carolla

#Jobs #Believe #Doors

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.
-- Adam Carolla

#Six #Eating #Minutes

Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?
-- Adam Carolla

#Sleep #Names #Creative

I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.
-- Adam Carolla

#Strong #Thinking #People

If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.
-- Adam Carolla

#Bridges #Done

The very definition of 'beauty' is outside.
-- Adam Carolla

#Definitions #Definition Of Beauty

I'm a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.
-- Adam Carolla

#Blue #Guy #Valleys

When you're doing a radio show, you can express yourself.
-- Adam Carolla

#Radio #Express Yourself #Shows

If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?
-- Adam Carolla

#Media #Worried #Affiliation

I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist.
-- Adam Carolla

#Realist #Sexist

It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.
-- Adam Carolla

#Kids

The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.
-- Adam Carolla

#Jobs #Horrible Jobs #Horrible

Screw guilt -- I could have sex with 10 men and it wouldn't bother me. I'm an atheist!
-- Adam Carolla

#Atheist #Sex #Men

When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds.
-- Adam Carolla

#Basketball #Brother #Team

When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the 'tardiest of the 'tards like the thick crust.
-- Adam Carolla

#Country #Feet #Mountain

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.
-- Adam Carolla

#Reason #Chicks

Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.
-- Adam Carolla

#Air #Stories #Use

If you're conservative in Hollywood, you're on a list of people who need to be put in their place.
-- Adam Carolla

#People #Hollywood #Needs

Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.
-- Adam Carolla

#Average #Delusional

I've always boxed, I always taught boxing.
-- Adam Carolla

#Boxing #Taught

People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.'
-- Adam Carolla

#Smart #College #White

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?
-- Adam Carolla

#Thinking #Joy #What If

The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.
-- Adam Carolla

#Hate #Thinking #Would Be

There are certain things women are better at than men.
-- Adam Carolla

#Men #Certain

I'm a comedian, not a politician.
-- Adam Carolla

#Comedian #Politician

People are stupid. There's a lot of dumb stuff that's successful.
-- Adam Carolla

#Stupid #Successful #People

I'd never hurt another person.
-- Adam Carolla

#Hurt #Persons

Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.
-- Adam Carolla

#Emotional #Guy #Stuff

I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.
-- Adam Carolla

#Want #Plenty

I used to be a Democrat, now I'm basically a Republican.
-- Adam Carolla

#Republican #Used #Democrat

Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.
-- Adam Carolla

#Pay #Taxes #Feels

I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much.
-- Adam Carolla

#Television #Radio #Stuff

My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.
-- Adam Carolla

#Mom #Kind #Welfare

I have no connection with Hollywood. I'm not interested. I don't care.
-- Adam Carolla

#Hollywood #Connections #Care

I have feelings that are to the right, and I have feelings that land on the left side of the aisle. The thing is if you have 10 views that land you on the left side of the aisle and two views that land you on the right side of the aisle, then people just put you on the right side of the aisle. I'm not sure why.
-- Adam Carolla

#Views #Land #Two

You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.
-- Adam Carolla

#Accomplishment #Feel Good #Should

I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that's out of this world. I'll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn't have to be between Thai and Mexican every night. Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food.
-- Adam Carolla

#Sorry #Night #Giving

I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings.
-- Adam Carolla

#Hurt #Nice #People

I'm like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.
-- Adam Carolla

#Guy #Needs #Want

Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.
-- Adam Carolla

#School #College #High School

My first car was a motorcycle.
-- Adam Carolla

#Car #Motorcycle #Firsts

I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody.
-- Adam Carolla

#Ill

I don't have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.
-- Adam Carolla

#Mom #Emotional #Connections

I don't know anything about computers.
-- Adam Carolla

#Computer

I don't normally vote. I'm lazy and I never bought into the 'Every vote counts.'
-- Adam Carolla

#Lazy #Vote

I get depressed at airports.
-- Adam Carolla

#Airports

I swear my car won't run unless I'm picking my nose: At least, I'm that superstitious about it, so I don't want to take any chances.
-- Adam Carolla

#Running #Car #Noses

I think if you create something and you get an audience for it, then the monetization part is really secondary.
-- Adam Carolla

#Thinking #Audience

I've got a great eye for color. I'm like a chick.
-- Adam Carolla

#Eye #Color #Chicks

I don't burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.
-- Adam Carolla

#Trying #World #Calories

I didn't have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.
-- Adam Carolla

#Years #Age #Shows

I could definitely see myself making a serious movie or a drama in the future.
-- Adam Carolla

#Drama #Serious

If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.
-- Adam Carolla

#Butterfly #Beer #Ideas

If you've driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it's like a golf course... Real estate values go 'boom!'
-- Adam Carolla

#Real #Gay #Golf

I'm not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don't even want them to laugh half the time.
-- Adam Carolla

#People #Laughing #Complaining

You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society.
-- Adam Carolla

#Cards #Use #Credit

All's the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.
-- Adam Carolla

#Army #Government #Regulation

Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don't vote that way.
-- Adam Carolla

#Thinking #Leaving #Hollywood

Honestly, I've always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed - that kind of stuff.
-- Adam Carolla

#Bed #Stuff #Kind

I'm a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I'm into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.
-- Adam Carolla

#Nuts #Car #Guy

No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.
-- Adam Carolla

#Book #Comedian #Enjoy

The thing about a good podcast is you have to have a good host. If you don't have a compelling host then you have nothing.
-- Adam Carolla

#Host #Compelling

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.
-- Adam Carolla

#Naps #Figures

I guess my feeling is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you’re trying to make.
-- Adam Carolla

#Feelings #Trying #Fine

All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.
-- Adam Carolla

#Want #Tvs #Middle

I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I've worked with women, I've never had an issue with women.
-- Adam Carolla

#Daughter #Mother #Issues

Rich people don't pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes - they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn't pay taxes.
-- Adam Carolla

#People #Pay #Rich

I don't like soccer. I think it makes you soft. And by the way, you telling me it's the biggest whatever in the World, look, they drink tea everywhere too; they're pussies, you understand? I want some coffee.
-- Adam Carolla

#Soccer #Coffee #Thinking

Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys. We're always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it.
-- Adam Carolla

#Basketball #Ymca #Years

In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money... and not do stuff that was dirty. I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn't very good at it.
-- Adam Carolla

#Nice #Dirty #Naughty

Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.
-- Adam Carolla

#Passion #Office #Vigor

When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.
-- Adam Carolla

#Mean #People #Insane

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.'
-- Adam Carolla

#Daughter #Mother #Fire

When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn't imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I'm gone for six days it feels like too much.
-- Adam Carolla

#Christmas #Dad #Kids

I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.
-- Adam Carolla

#Form #Mess #Format

I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.
-- Adam Carolla

#Art #Thinking #Reality

As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They're the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math. If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife's side of the bed at night. If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.
-- Adam Carolla

#Moving #Book #Mean

I am not a good cue card reader.
-- Adam Carolla

#Cards #Reader

I know everything because I know nothing.
-- Adam Carolla

The shuttle is the worst $20 you'll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been. You have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can't afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live.
-- Adam Carolla

#Travel #Knowing #Car

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?
-- Adam Carolla

#Funny #Philosophical #Interesting

I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.
-- Adam Carolla

#Funny #Two #Next

If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.
-- Adam Carolla

#Funny #Ideas #Two

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.
-- Adam Carolla

#Funny #Differences #Drunk

I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the bejeezus out of yogurt, but I haven't seen one pie commercial.
-- Adam Carolla

#Thinking #Ice Cream #Pie