Dana Gould famous quotes

Last updated: Sep 5, 2024

Competition is the death of art.
-- Dana Gould

#Art #Competition
We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.
-- Dana Gould

#Crazy #Blood #Live Your Life
Life imitates art but art intimidates life.
-- Dana Gould

#Art #Intimidating
We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right
-- Dana Gould

#Blood #Naked #World
Being funny is not the same as being happy.
-- Dana Gould
Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.
-- Dana Gould

#Home #Perfect One #Knives
That which does not kill you isn't finished.
-- Dana Gould

#Doe #Finished
Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
-- Dana Gould

#Dog #Phones #People
The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
-- Dana Gould

#Men #Waiting #Inability
Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.
-- Dana Gould

#Stars #War #Simple
Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?
-- Dana Gould

#Dog #Cat #Heaven
Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
-- Dana Gould

#Want #Loser #Want To Be Happy
My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
-- Dana Gould

#Football #Team #Pirate
In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.
-- Dana Gould

#Halloween #Sacrifice #Animal
The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.
-- Dana Gould

#Player #Guitar #Sound
59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.
-- Dana Gould

#Suicide #Murder
Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.
-- Dana Gould

#Believe #Government #Republican
Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
-- Dana Gould

#Alzheimer's #Forget Everything #Grudge
Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.
-- Dana Gould

#Years #Said
Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.
-- Dana Gould

#Cute #Scary #Ears
There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.
-- Dana Gould

#Two #Erotic #Plums
When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
-- Dana Gould

#Long #Machines #Time Machine
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
-- Dana Gould

#Cells #Numbers #Giving
A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.
-- Dana Gould

#Nice #People #Soul
A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.
-- Dana Gould

#Sarcasm #Thinking #People
When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.
-- Dana Gould

#Coffins #Found
When homeless people go camping, how do they know?
-- Dana Gould

#People #Camping #Homeless

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