Andy Kindler famous quotes

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.
-- Andy Kindler

#Doe

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.
-- Andy Kindler

#Drinking #Rights #People

Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.
-- Andy Kindler

#Sex #Two #Choices

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.
-- Andy Kindler

#People #Genius #Talent

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.
-- Andy Kindler

#Invention

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.
-- Andy Kindler

#Cat #Kevin #Vehicle

Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn't find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole.
-- Andy Kindler

#Kids #Practice #Bills

I do have insecurities. I don't know if you can tell. I'm not brimming with confidence.
-- Andy Kindler

#Confidence #Insecurity #Knows

Jewish people, we don't believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. We're suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much we've suffered. Passover - we're celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and murdered all the Egyptians. We're celebrating, 'Hey, thank God we didn't get slaughtered.
-- Andy Kindler

#Believe #Holiday #Years

Republicans are just rich, old, white people - that's all they are. You ever see the Republican National Convention? All white people - six black people: paid actors. James Earl Jones in his most difficult, challenging role! Tune in and attempt to watch him look pleased during a George Bush speech. And Clarence Thomas - as himself.
-- Andy Kindler

#White #People #Challenges

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.
-- Andy Kindler

#Party #Keys #Wife

I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this.
-- Andy Kindler

#Names #Upset #Driving

I don't like any nastiness on tv unless it's coming from me.
-- Andy Kindler

#Nastiness #Tvs

Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life.
-- Andy Kindler

#Clean #Felt

I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?
-- Andy Kindler

#Cities #Voice #California

I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember - I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah. It was over when I was done.
-- Andy Kindler

#Mitzvah #Bars #Done

I love whenever they downgrade a hurricane to a tropical depression, because I always think of a tropical depression as how I feel three songs into a Jimmy Buffett concert.
-- Andy Kindler

#Song #Thinking #Three

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.
-- Andy Kindler

#Real #Believe #Conspiracy

I watched Master Class with Lorne Michaels on OWN. How can somebody produce a sketch show and talk for an hour and not say something even slightly amusing, or sarcastic, or ironic, or interesting, or informative? 'My mission as a producer is to encourage creativity.' Mission accomplished.
-- Andy Kindler

#Sarcastic #Creativity #Class

Some of my stuff, I realize is just rage.
-- Andy Kindler

#Stuff #Realizing #Rage

Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say hello. Hellooo, I invented the telephone!
-- Andy Kindler

#Bells #Telephones #Firsts

Adam Carolla is like Hitler if Hitler wasn’t funny.
-- Andy Kindler

#Adam #Ifs

I was in Philadelphia - a very angry town, Philadelphia. I've never seen a town like this. It's supposed to be the City of Brotherly Love - like when my brother was 12 and I was nine, and he would lean on my shoulder and dangle spit in my face.
-- Andy Kindler

#Brother #Cities #Philadelphia

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?
-- Andy Kindler

#Pie #People #Giving

My friend taught me this one. You take the heel of your hand, you can shove someone's nose right through their brain. I can't even watch someone blow their nose. If I'm in a fight, I'm not gonna be shoving or poking, I'm gonna be running or begging - that's my two choices, right there.
-- Andy Kindler

#Running #Fighting #Blow

Comedy Central made their own awards show. They were named best comedy channel.
-- Andy Kindler

#Awards #Comedy #Made

I'm Jewish... We're a very nervous group. Paranoid. Anxiety-ridden. Maybe that Hitler thing made us a little jumpy. Nothing like a Holocaust to make you mind your Ps and Qs for a couple hundred years I always say.
-- Andy Kindler

#Couple #Years #Holocaust

Once when Larry the Cable Guy was on Conan's show, Conan O'Brien was so offended by Larry's material, he had to walk away from the desk he was so offended.
-- Andy Kindler

#Guy #Conan #Desks

Milk should be refrigerated even before opening.
-- Andy Kindler

#Milk #Should #Opening

BJ Novak gets the Perseverance Award for graduating from Harvard and being unemployed for the entire plane ride to Los Angeles.
-- Andy Kindler

#Perseverance #Awards #Graduates

Dave Rath is recovering. A month ago he had hip pocket replacement surgery.
-- Andy Kindler

#Pockets #Months #Hips

Kevin James is going to do a couple of specials. One's called It's Getting Muggy In Here.
-- Andy Kindler

#Couple #Kevin

George Lopez has to get a physical comedy checkup every year to make sure his bulging eyes don't get out of control... Good news George... you are humor free! There's no sign of comedy anywhere in your blood stream.
-- Andy Kindler

#Eye #Blood #Years

Eddie Izzard is doing his show in French... Will he be able to fake ad-lib as well in other languages? He's been speaking French for a while now, but he's talking about doing his act in German. Haven't the German people suffered enough?
-- Andy Kindler

#Talking #People #Fake

Pixar has announced Larry the Cable Guy will be starring in Cars 3 thru 6. Howie Mandel will be playing his sidekick, Mopey the Moped.
-- Andy Kindler

#Car #Guy #Sidekicks

Larry the Cable Guy has signed a deal with Cracker Barrel. Not the store. He signed a deal with a barrel full of angry rednecks.
-- Andy Kindler

#Redneck #Guy #Crackers

Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch.
-- Andy Kindler

#Roots #Bait #Watches

I don't really know what's wrong with Jay Leno. I don't have the training to make a professional diagnosis.
-- Andy Kindler

#Training #Diagnosis #Knows

I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust.
-- Andy Kindler

#Sorry #Holocaust #Pretending

If I don't believe in Jesus, maybe I don't believe in Hell. Did you ever think of that? You're so excited about it, why don't you go to Hell? It's your concept; you invented it.
-- Andy Kindler

#Jesus #Believe #Thinking

I don't know what Tracy Morgan does on stage, but I can assure you it's no act.
-- Andy Kindler

#Doe #Stage #Tracy

Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it's the funniest.
-- Andy Kindler

#Parks And Rec #Entertainment #Tvs

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.
-- Andy Kindler

#Christian #Jobs #Doctors

I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on - the summer or something like that - but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.
-- Andy Kindler

#Summer #Bisexual #Weather

Judah Friedlander, I'm ok with you being the world champion for a few years more. That's a hook with legs. But I think he should make one more hat, that says 'there's a limit to how funny words on a hat can be'. And then move to a chapeau.
-- Andy Kindler

#Moving #Thinking #Years

They shouldn't call anything a boot camp unless you're going off to war. Standup boot camp has been a fantastic thing, for the people putting it on. They keep you out in the woods and won't let you come back until you're funny. Lenny Bruce came up with his Religions Inc. bit on a day hike.
-- Andy Kindler

#War #People #Boots

Jewish people, we're repulsed by Hitler, but we're obsessed with him. If you ever want to rob a Jewish person's house, all you have to do is call them up and tell them there's a Hitler film festival down at the multiplex - watch them file out.
-- Andy Kindler

#People #House #Watches

I'm still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I'm going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I'm going after Hitler.
-- Andy Kindler

#Perfect #Machines #Aces

The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said 'get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.
-- Andy Kindler

#Phones #Guy #Pixar

I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar.
-- Andy Kindler

#Years #Firsts #Hours

I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen's show and were disappointed. That didn't seem very organized! That guy's all over the map!
-- Andy Kindler

#People #Guy #Maps

I get some acting jobs. I like it other than the constant slipping in and out of character.
-- Andy Kindler

#Jobs #Character #Acting

I believe at the end of my career I'll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.
-- Andy Kindler

#Believe #Character #Careers

I don't believe in burning holy books, but I am organizing a protest. I'll be burning all my Dennis Miller VHS cassettes as a special protest. I don't want to hear the introduction 'you may have seen our next comedian on the Hannity show'.
-- Andy Kindler

#Believe #Book #Comedian

I'm on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I'm unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn't also like iCarly.
-- Andy Kindler

#Wizards #Shows #Convince

CNN has a thing called You Choose the News. Y'know what CNN? I'm turning you on because I don't know the news. I was hoping you could help me.
-- Andy Kindler

#Cnn #News #Helping

I actually performed at an orthodox Jewish wedding, where the men were separated from the women, but they both came together to not enjoy what I was talking about.
-- Andy Kindler

#Men #Talking #Together

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.
-- Andy Kindler

#Apology #Guy #Apologizing

President Obama. He is the man. I've tried the rest, and he is the best. My dream is for him to appoint me to be the Secretary of Humor. My first act will be to make whatever Larry the Cable Guy is doing illegal.
-- Andy Kindler

#Dream #Men #Guy

Why does Louis CK get named Comedy Person of the Year? I should be named Comedy Person of the Year just so I can parlay it into another few weeks of road work.
-- Andy Kindler

#Years #Doe #Comedy

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.
-- Andy Kindler

#Winning #Majors

I don't think there's anything Craig Ferguson could say that would make me laugh. Ad-libbing is not the same as entertainment.
-- Andy Kindler

#Thinking #Laughing #Ferguson