Kristen Schaal famous quotes

Guys. If your pants are below your ***** you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.
-- Kristen Schaal

#Guy #Pants #Ass

Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print.
-- Kristen Schaal

#Sarcastic #Sarcasm #Print

No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me.
-- Kristen Schaal

#Real #Different #Kind

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.
-- Kristen Schaal

#People #Comedy #Messed Up

I would like to be known as someone who was really sweet but also knowledgeable in all areas of life.
-- Kristen Schaal

#Sweet #Really Sweet #Knowledgeable

I think growing up on a farm in a certain amount of isolation, with not a lot of friends nearby, makes you entertain yourself and kind of grows your imagination - being alone is quite good for all that. You make up stories, talk to the animals, let them be an audience, a bunch of cows.
-- Kristen Schaal

#Hilarious #Growing Up #Thinking

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.
-- Kristen Schaal

#Mean #Funny Marriage #Married

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.
-- Kristen Schaal

#Baby #Trying #Graffiti

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex.
-- Kristen Schaal

#Funny #Sex #Comedy

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.
-- Kristen Schaal

#Funny #Humor #Turkeys

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?
-- Kristen Schaal

#Funny #Humor #Moon

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.
-- Kristen Schaal

#Funny #Humor #Blow

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.
-- Kristen Schaal

#Funny #Humor #Feet

He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want.
-- Kristen Schaal

#Funny #Humor #Want

I'm so happy to be around people. I just really like people, and being a freelancer can be lonely during the day, when you're at home trying to write anything you can.
-- Kristen Schaal

#Lonely #Home #Writing

I would love for people to know that the label feminist is something that everyone should wear proudly, because it just means that you support women.
-- Kristen Schaal

#Mean #People #Support

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.
-- Kristen Schaal

#Funny #Humor #Ambitious

1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.
-- Kristen Schaal

#Funny #Valentine #Moving

The first time I was on TV, on "Flight of the Conchords," someone put up a YouTube clip and said, 'You're too ugly to be on TV.' And I was like, 'That is exactly why it's a good thing that I'm on TV.'
-- Kristen Schaal

#Funny #Humor #Ugly

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.
-- Kristen Schaal

#Funny #Humor #Beer

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.
-- Kristen Schaal

#Funny #Humor #Toenails

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.
-- Kristen Schaal

#Funny #Humor #Airports

A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.
-- Kristen Schaal

#Funny #Humor #Fighting

Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele - should be fun - and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.
-- Kristen Schaal

#Funny #Stupid #Humor

I think I've always had a disconnect from what I'm supposed to be like.
-- Kristen Schaal

#Thinking #Supposed To Be

You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners.
-- Kristen Schaal

#Funny #Humor #Two

The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.
-- Kristen Schaal

#Funny #Heart #Ambition

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.
-- Kristen Schaal

#Funny #Baby #Humor

Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.
-- Kristen Schaal

#Funny #Humor #Talking