Eugene Mirman famous quotes

03-24-2025

I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
-- Eugene Mirman

#Fathers Day #Baby #Drinking
Confidence is the key to virtually everything. It's just deciding that you're qualified because once you decide you're qualified, everything else becomes very easy.
-- Eugene Mirman

#Keys #Easy #Qualified
Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
-- Eugene Mirman

#Girl #Baby #Sex
What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.
-- Eugene Mirman

#Thinking #People #Underwear
In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was 'talking dirty.'
-- Eugene Mirman

#Dirty #Talking #Funny Graduation
Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.
-- Eugene Mirman

#Lonely #Sex #Heart
Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.
-- Eugene Mirman

#Sports #Sex #Wrestling
If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.
-- Eugene Mirman

#Treasure #Retarded #Pretending
What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.
-- Eugene Mirman

#Lying #Thinking #Play
I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'
-- Eugene Mirman

#Hurt #Children #Butterfly
Some tips for life: 1.Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2.Be kind to people. 3.Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead 4.In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5.Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls.
-- Eugene Mirman

#Dream #Stupid #People
God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.
-- Eugene Mirman

#Boys #Years #Twelve
If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.
-- Eugene Mirman

#Giving #Needs #Overwhelming
Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
-- Eugene Mirman

#Thinking #Drunk #Hegel
Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don't be passive, be proactive. Do not let them direct your interaction on their terms, do it on yours. Ask a Misdirection Question--something too difficult to answer quickly--e.g., 'What's Congress up to?' or 'You ever learn any cool science?' When you ask the question, don't make eye contact, keep moving and get out of there. Do not wait for a response and deny ever asking it. Repeat these actions until you are never again spoken to by that individual (about four times).
-- Eugene Mirman

#Moving #Eye #Waiting
On a quick side note, I would argue that--much like Samuel L. Jackson--I am not arrogant at all; I'm just actually really, really great.
-- Eugene Mirman

#Arrogant #Sides #Arguing
High School: Oh, man. This is where boys and girls go from tweens to teens and become complicated and cruel. Girls play sick mind games; boys try to pull each other's penises off and throw them in the bushes. If you can, buy the most expensive jeans in a two-hundred-mile radius of your town and wear them on your first day. If anyone asks how you could afford them say that your father is the president of Ashton Kutcher. When they are like, 'Ashton Kutcher has a president?' answer, 'Yes.' Everyone will be in awe of you and you won't have to go through a lot of pain and cat fights.
-- Eugene Mirman

#Girl #Pain #Father
Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
-- Eugene Mirman

#Children #Home #Bully
A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. (You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit.) Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist (except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness).
-- Eugene Mirman

#Medicine #Bullshit #Comedian

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