John Mulaney famous quotes

04-17-2025

In terms of, like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.
-- John Mulaney

#Relief #Introvert #Heroin
It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them - especially when you were supposed to do them. In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin,
-- John Mulaney

#Fun #Relief #Heroin
All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don't understand it.
-- John Mulaney

#Dad #Saving #Accounts
If youâ€™re comparing the badness of two words and you wonâ€™t even say one of them [the n-word], thatâ€™s the worse word.
-- John Mulaney

#Two #Badness #Compare
The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.
-- John Mulaney

#Stuff #Failing #Stills
Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldnt be as fun translated into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it.
-- John Mulaney

#Fun #Opinion #Standing
Ill book a ticket on some garbage airline. I dont wanna name an actual airline so lets make one up, lets just call it like Delta Airlines
-- John Mulaney

#Book #Names #Garbage
Why do people shush animals? Theyve never spoken
-- John Mulaney

#Animal #People
I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I've always enjoyed it. There's just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.
-- John Mulaney

#Fun #Made
As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don't know, I just got quieter With my friends, I was still an extrovert.
-- John Mulaney

#Real #School #Inward
Excuse me: I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS. I'm new in town.
-- John Mulaney

#Gay #Towns #Homeless
Going on the road for long stretches can seem daunting, and I certainly miss being home sometimes, but the chance to see so many different cities, let alone perform in them, is something I am really grateful for.
-- John Mulaney

#Grateful #Home #Cities
I plan to join the 'SNL' band as a maraca player and stand behind saxophonist Lenny Pickett. That way they will at least cut to me before commercial breaks. I'll be sure to look right into camera.
-- John Mulaney

#Cutting #Player #Cameras
You can't always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit.
-- John Mulaney

#Stories #Sides #Sticks

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