Louis C. K. famous quotes

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.
-- Louis C. K.

#Children #Important #Able

I didn't make any kind of grades in high school. My mother was a single mom, putting my three sisters through college, and I was such a bad student that I knew I had no right to take her money. But I loved being in classes and learning. I took in a huge amount of what I learned, but I had a feeling of always being behind and being in trouble.
-- Louis C. K.

#Mom #Mother #School

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.
-- Louis C. K.

#Hurt #Persons

I do love standup. I love comedians. They're my community. Also, because I know so many of them, I know the value of them. I know what they can do.
-- Louis C. K.

#Community #Comedian #Values

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!
-- Louis C. K.

#Kids #Math #Common

You don't look down at your feet. A lot of comedians want to look down at their feet, but you break contact with the audience.
-- Louis C. K.

#Comedian #Break #Audience

My 13-year-old daughter leaves the house at 7:15 every morning and takes a smelly city bus to school way uptown. It's like 8 degrees out, and it's dark and she's got this morning face and I send her out there to take a bus. Meanwhile, my driver is sitting in a toasty Mercedes that's going to take me to work once both kids are gone. I could send her in the Mercedes and then have it come back to get me, but I can't have my kid doing that. I can't do that to her. Me? I earned that f—ing Mercedes. You better f—ing believe it.
-- Louis C. K.

#Daughter #Morning #Believe

If the whole country had to have the same conversation that was safe for everybody, it would be a pretty awful place to live. There wouldn't be a conversation.
-- Louis C. K.

#Country

I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored.
-- Louis C. K.

#Funny #Witty #Mean

My show is sort of a short-film anthology, and I'm able to tell little stories that don't necessarily carry a whole episode in terms of narrative. I like the audience not being sure what they're getting. I think it's more fun to watch something when you're discovering it as you go along.
-- Louis C. K.

#Fun #Thinking #Term

I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of.
-- Louis C. K.

#Travel #Bored #Useless

A lot of stand-up specials for cable are meant to glorify the comedian. They put you in a really beautiful theater, and sometimes they even blow a little smoke in there to make it misty and sweet. They make the guy look like he's a big rock star. But comedy's not really glamorous. It doesn't enhance comedy for it to look good.
-- Louis C. K.

#Beautiful #Sweet #Blow

You’ll be fine. You’re 25. Feeling [unsure] and lost is part of your path. Don’t avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. take a breath. You’ll be okay. Even if you don’t feel okay all the time.
-- Louis C. K.

#Thinking #Laughing #Interesting

Some people think it's demeaning to victims if you ever say anything out-loud about sexual abuse of children. I don't know if that's true.
-- Louis C. K.

#Children #Thinking #People

There's nowhere I won't go. As long as it's horribly, horribly true and/or wrong.
-- Louis C. K.

#Thinking #Long #Laughing

I grew up in a generation that had exponential technological advances.
-- Louis C. K.

#Technological

I have a lot of beliefs and I live by none of them.
-- Louis C. K.

#Belief #Live By

You have to be able to do a bunch of things at once, and not think about things you're not doing while you're doing other things. You have to be disciplined about not trying to do everything, all at the same time. It's hard and fun.
-- Louis C. K.

#Fun #Thinking #Trying

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.
-- Louis C. K.

#Funny Christmas #Drinking #People

All talking is good, negative and positive. Stabbing is bad; talking is good.
-- Louis C. K.

#Talking #Negative #Stabbing

The only time you should look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them.
-- Louis C. K.

#Looks #Neighbor #Enough

When your kid is being selfish or greedy and you want to help them not be that way, you have to find a way to articulate it and inspire them.
-- Louis C. K.

#Selfish #Kids #Inspire

Whenever I've encountered a Christian saying, 'Why don't you stop talking like that so I can hear you?' I think, 'Well you're the one putting the earmuffs on, but I wish you could hear me because I like you.'
-- Louis C. K.

#Christian #I Like You #Thinking

Spend time with your kids and have your own ideas about what they need. It won't take away your manhood; it will give it to you.
-- Louis C. K.

#Dad #Kids #Ideas

Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don't avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it.
-- Louis C. K.

#Feelings #Use #Path

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.
-- Louis C. K.

#President #Mouths #Matter

Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people.
-- Louis C. K.

#Lying #Reality #People

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy
-- Louis C. K.

Race doesn't mean what it used to in America anymore. It just doesn't. Obama's black, but he's not black the way people used to define that. Is black your experience or the color of your skin? My experience is as a Mexican immigrant, more so than someone like George Lopez. He's from California. But he'll be treated as an immigrant. I am an outsider. My abuelita, my grandmother, didn't speak English. My whole family on my dad's side is in Mexico. I won't ever be called that or treated that way, but it was my experience.
-- Louis C. K.

#Dad #Mean #Grandmother

Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.
-- Louis C. K.

#Funny #Eye #Who I Am

It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.
-- Louis C. K.

#People #Laughing #Terrible

I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like Ladies and Gentlemen. That'll be a cool name for a kid. This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen! Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, Ladies and Gentlemen, please!
-- Louis C. K.

#Kids #Son #Hands

I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up.
-- Louis C. K.

#Boxing #Use #Trainers

Every year white people add 100 years to how long ago slavery was. I've heard educated white people say, 'slavery was 400 years ago.' No it very wasn't. It was 140 years ago...that's two 70-year-old ladies living and dying back to back. That's how recently you could buy a guy.
-- Louis C. K.

#Years #Two #White

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.
-- Louis C. K.

#Hate #Food #Meals

Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness.
-- Louis C. K.

#Witness

The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness.
-- Louis C. K.

#People #Ironic #Gone

When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.
-- Louis C. K.

#Smile #Kids #Lunch

I always tell my kids to cut a sandwich in half right when you get it, and the first thought you should have is somebody else. You only ever need half a burger.
-- Louis C. K.

#Kids #Cutting #Firsts

I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.
-- Louis C. K.

#Father #Citizens #Good Father

How do women still go out guys, when you consider that there is no greater threat to women than men? We're the number one threat to women! Globally, and historically one cause of injury and mayhem to women. You know what our number one threat is? Heart disease.
-- Louis C. K.

#Women #Heart #Numbers

To me, art supplies are always okay to buy.
-- Louis C. K.

#Art #Okay #Supplies

It's hard having kids because it's boring... It's just being with them on the floor while they be children. They read Clifford the Big Red Dog to you at a rate of 50 minutes a page, and you have to sit there and be horribly proud and bored at the same time.
-- Louis C. K.

#Dog #Children #Kids

Comedians work great as actors because they're good under pressure. With a lot of actors, you have to make them feel like everything's going really well to get a good performance out of them. But, if you have a comedian on the set, you can tell them, 'Hey, you really are screwing this up,' and then they just get better.
-- Louis C. K.

#Comedian #Get Better #Pressure

I don't have a room full of writers pitching ideas. It's just me out of my head.
-- Louis C. K.

#Ideas #Pitching #Rooms

My kids and I figured out that there’s a third kind of person, and I don’t know what you call them, but it’s somebody who sees that the glass is always full because it’s half full with water and half full with nothing, so that’s the third kind of person. I don’t know what it is.
-- Louis C. K.

#Kids #Glasses #Water

The part that's difficult is being single, at 41, after 10 years of marriage and two kids. That's like having a bunch of money in a currency of a country that doesn't exist anymore.
-- Louis C. K.

#Country #Being Single #Kids

When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.
-- Louis C. K.

#Writing #Thinking #Laughing

Self-love is a good thing but self-awareness is more important. You need to once in a while go ‘Uh, I’m kind of an asshole.’
-- Louis C. K.

#Love Is #Self #Important

Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance.
-- Louis C. K.

#Wind #Endurance #Legs

Human kindness has no reward. You should give to others in every way you see. expect absolutely nothing from anyone. It should be your goal to love every human you encounter. All human suffering that you're aware of and continues without your effort to stop it becomes your crime.
-- Louis C. K.

#Kindness #Giving #Goal

People come back from flights and tell you a story like it's a horror story. That's how bad they make it sound. They're like, 'It was the worst day of my life. We didn't board for 20 minutes and they made us sit there on the runway for 40 minutes.' Oh really? What happened next? Did you fly in the air, incredibly, like a bird? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight you non-contributing zero?'
-- Louis C. K.

#Inspirational #Funny #Travel

When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore. And a lot of fathers live very much in avoidance, and they sit on the toilet. Or they say, 'Oh honey, it took me 40 minutes to go to the post office.' And they just sort of sit in the driveway and heave a big sigh- 'Oh, I have to go back in.' But then once you take it out on your own, you have to take it all on. And you sort of activate male skills that you didn't know you could apply to fatherhood.
-- Louis C. K.

#Mother #Running #Dad

People say there's delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years, a bunch of people used to die on the way there, have a baby, you would end up with a whole different group of people by the time you got there. Now you watch a movie and [go to the toilet] and you're home.
-- Louis C. K.

#Inspirational #Funny #Baby

You need to build an ability to just be yourself, and not be doing something,
-- Louis C. K.

#Being Yourself #Needs #Just Be Yourself

I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.
-- Louis C. K.

#Kids #Mad #Laughing

In 27 years doing this, I've seen a handful of truly great, masterful standup sets. One was Tig Notaro last night at Largo.
-- Louis C. K.

#Night #Years #Lasts

I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.
-- Louis C. K.

#Failure #Thinking #Trying

I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.
-- Louis C. K.

#Heaven #Wish #Would Be

Everything that's difficult you should be able to laugh about.
-- Louis C. K.

#Graduation #Laughing #Able

Life's too short to be an asshole, as an employer or as an employee.
-- Louis C. K.

#Graduation #Too Short #Employers