Conan O'Brien famous quotes

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Dog #Cancer #Cat

A U.N. study claims the happiest country in the world is Switzerland. When asked why they're so happy, Swiss people couldn't answer because their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Country #Hands #People

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'
-- Conan O'Brien

#Funny #Religious #Jesus

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote.
-- Conan O'Brien

#People #Presidential #Voters

Members of the Senate are considering a tax on cosmetic surgery. When they brought it up, you should have seen the look that Nancy Pelosi's face tried to make.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Should Have #Looks #Cosmetics

The Justice Department ruled that Native American tribes are allowed to grow and sell ***** on reservations. This decision was hailed as a victory by Native American leader Giggling Eagle.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Native American #Marijuana #Eagles

The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Home #Squares #Census Bureau

A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in ***** taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Marijuana #Years #Colorado

I hear YouTube, Twitter and Facebook are merging to form a super Social Media site - YouTwitFace.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Media #Social #Site

Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Kids #Ice Cream #Taught

A group of psychologists say they have discovered twenty-three different body language indicators that show whether or not a person is lying. If you would like to see all twenty-three at the same time, they recommend taking a guided tour of the White House
-- Conan O'Brien

#Lying #White #House

Among the top Google searches of 2014 were Ebola and the movie 'Frozen.' One leaves you with something highly infectious that's impossible to get out of your system. The other is Ebola.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Ebola #Google #Frozen

The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Disappointment #Gains #Originality

It was reported that Anna Kournikova is coming out with her own brand of deodorant. Apparently, the ads show Kournikova holding up her deodorant and saying now only her tennis game stinks.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Games #Tennis #Deodorant

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Real #Ukraine #Feet

In Sarah Palin's new book, she says when she first laid eyes on her future husband, she said out loud, 'Thank you, God,' which is the same thing the Democrats said when they first laid eyes on Sarah Palin.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Husband #Book #Eye

Fall down. Make a mess. Break something occasionally. Know that your mistakes are your own unique way of getting to where you need to be. And remember that the story is never over.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Mistake #Fall #Unique

In a new interview, Newt Gingrich says he cheated on two of his wives because he was too consumed with love for his country. Yeah, apparently he misunderstood the phrase, 'Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.'
-- Conan O'Brien

#Country #Two #Wife

They say there are only two kinds of people on St. Patrick's Day: the Irish, and the people that drive them home.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Home #Two #People

Today, you have achieved something special, something only 92 percent of Americans your age will ever know: a college diploma. That’s right, with your college diploma you now have a crushing advantage over 8 percent of the workforce. I'm talking about dropout losers like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Crush #Jobs #College

Nietzsche famously said "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." But what he failed to stress is that it almost kills you.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Stress #Stronger #Said

Scientists say they're getting closer to developing a pill to replace exercising. Americans heard this and said that it better come in cool ranch flavor.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Exercise #Flavor #Pills

A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have MADE a smartphone.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Baby #Smartphones #Study

On Easter, the Pope asked for peace in the Middle East. There are two groups the Pope has to contend with - Jewish people and Muslims. They couldn't wait to hear his suggestions.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Easter #Two #People

Toyota has announced it will start integrating Microsoft technology into their vehicles. It's perfect for the person who wants a car that crashes every ten minutes.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Funny #Technology #Perfect

Nobody knows really what they're doing and there's two ways to go with that information. One is to be afraid and the other is to be liberated, and I choose to be liberated by it.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Two #Information #Way

A group of protesters who are very unhappy at the rapid expansion of Starbucks have been repeatedly smashing the windows of a Starbucks store in Maine. Customers say it's been really inconvenient because, several times now, they've had to use the Starbucks across the street.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Unhappy #Expansion #Groups

Barack Obama was speaking to a Jewish group, and he told them that his name Barack is the same as the Jewish word 'baruch,' which means one who's blessed. That's what he said, yeah. Obama had a harder time explaining his middle name, Hussein. Things got quiet there.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Blessed #Mean #Names

President Bush delivered a commencement speech at a university in Wisconsin. A very inspirational speech. Apparently Bush told the students, 'You can do anything in life if your parents work hard enough.'
-- Conan O'Brien

#Hard Work #Parent #President

It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re-invention.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Positive #Attitude #Unique

In the press this week, NBC has been calling me every name in the book. In fact, they think I'm such an idiot they now want me to run the network.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Running #Book #Thinking

Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible to go into a void of nothingness.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Atheist #Heaven #Religion

A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, 'I had more leg room in the womb.'
-- Conan O'Brien

#Baby #Legs #Rooms

Though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Should

To commemorate the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, the three astronauts from Apollo 11 visited the White House. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were allowed to set foot inside the White House, while Michael Collins was forced to drive around in circles outside.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Moon #Circles #White

All I ask is one thing, and I’m asking this particularly of young people: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism, for the record, it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Happiness #Hate #People

Facebook revamped its search feature. Now you can search for any post that has ever appeared on your page. It's helpful if you want to waste time this year remembering exactly how you wasted time last year.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Years #Want #Pages

'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Stories #Firsts #Week

This week Disney opened its first ever theme park in China. More than ten thousand children showed up on opening day. And that was just to make the T-shirts.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Children #Parks #Firsts

I've always heard that women secretly want their father. So I used to walk around in a 1950s business suit, with a hat and a pipe. My opening line would be, 'You should be getting to bed now.'
-- Conan O'Brien

#Father #Great Love #Bed

There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Inspirational #Graduation #Dartmouth

North Korea is creating its own time zone. It's going to push the country's time back a half hour. So it's not bad enough that they don't have food and they're ruled by an insane dictator. Now they have to wait until 8:00 to watch 'Wheel of Fortune.'
-- Conan O'Brien

#Country #Korea #Time Zones

Donald Trump is the grandson of German immigrants. Don't worry. The last time a German guy with crazy hair took over a country, everything turned out fine.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Country #Crazy #Hair

A new report says ISIS is trying to recruit professionals like doctors, engineers, and accountants. Sorry, kids, even ISIS says they're not hiring liberal arts majors.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Art #Sorry #Kids

St.Patrick's Day is named for St. Patrick, the first guy to feed Guinness to a snake.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Snakes #Guy #Firsts

Donald Trump unveiled his immigration policy and now he's getting a lot of flak. His policy would have prevented his own grandfather from coming to America. That explains his new campaign slogan: 'Vote Trump to prevent another Trump.'
-- Conan O'Brien

#America #Grandfather #Immigration

According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually, he just combed his March numbers over his current ones.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Numbers #Cnn #Support

Scientists say the European space probe that landed on the comet has detected organic matter. This means there could be either life in space or a Whole Foods. We just don't know.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Mean #Space #Matter

Success is a lot like a bright, white tuxedo. You feel terrific when you get it, but then you're desperately afraid of getting it dirty, of spoiling it in any way.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Inspirational #Graduation #Dirty

The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army.
-- Conan O'Brien

#War #Army #Government

For the first time since 2007, the FDA Has approved a new device to treat obesity. The amazing breakthrough is called a vegetable.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Fda #Vegetables #Firsts

It has been reported that Rudolph Giuliani has trademarked the name 'Rudolph Giuliani' so other candidates can't use his name in negative campaign ads. ... For similar reasons, Hillary Clinton has trademarked the words 'ballbuster,' 'castrater,' and 'nutcruncher.'
-- Conan O'Brien

#Names #Negative #Rudolph

In the Year 2000 the discovery of extraterrestrial life will create a revolution in science, art, and pornography.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Art #Discovery #Years

Donald Trump insisted he's always had a great relationship with women. He said, 'I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be, whether that's Miss USA or Miss Universe. Either one.'
-- Conan O'Brien

#Believe #Usa #Missing

After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, 'Tell me who the other nominees are - and I will eliminate them.'
-- Conan O'Brien

#Hearing #Putin #Nobel Peace Prize

Once you discover white paint, you'll never wash your underwear again.
-- Conan O'Brien

#White #Underwear #Paint

People are already talking about the next presidential election. There's stories all over about who might run. At a recent speech, a prominent Democrat said that Hillary Clinton should not run because she can't win. Immediately after the speech, Hillary told her husband to shut up.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Running #Husband #Winning

The TSA is under fire for major security lapses. The TSA has let through pipe bombs, knives, and the last three Nicolas Cage movies.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Fire #Tsa #Knives

I think in future people will take television in eyedrop form. All media will be in eyedrops.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Thinking #Media #People

Promoting his new book, President Bush visited the headquarters of Facebook. Unfortunately, he spent the whole visit on Farmville, clearing brush.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Book #President #Brushes

Russia has named Vladimir Putin its man of the year for the 15th year in a row. Putin got 143 million votes and the guy he was up against got killed in a mysterious boating accident. The boat was in a warehouse.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Men #Years #Russia

A new survey reveals that women would rather give up sex than give up the remote control for the TV. Men, on the other hand, would be willing to have sex with the remote for the TV.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Funny #Sex #Giving Up

Marco Rubio announced he's running for president. Fun fact: Marco Rubio's wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. In other words, she knows how to generate fake enthusiasm for someone who's not going to win.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Running #Fun #Winning

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Animal #Nbc #Hair

Hillary Clinton has reportedly accepted Barack Obama's offer to become secretary of state. That's what they're saying in the New York Times. Yeah, according to Bill Clinton, this is the first time in 20 years that Hillary has said 'yes.'
-- Conan O'Brien

#New York #Years #Bills

A store in Houston is selling Donald Trump piñatas filled with candy. So finally something good is going to come out of Donald Trump.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Houston #Selling #Stores

Hillary Clinton is not the first woman to run for president. That title belongs to Victoria Woodhull, who ran for president in 1872. Her running mate was a young, scrappy John McCain.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Running #President #Titles

John Travolta said he sometimes lets his friends take control of his airplane even though they don't know what they're doing. Then Travolta said he often does the same thing with his career.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Airplane #Careers #Doe

Today Donald Trump reaffirmed his stance against gay marriage. Trump said marriage is between a rich guy and his much younger third wife.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Gay #Wife #Guy

The drug lord is on the run. His name is El Chapo. Donald Trump is in a Twitter feud with this Mexican drug lord. It's historic - the first time Americans have ever sided with a Mexican drug lord.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Running #Names #Mexican

Yesterday during a speech on national security, Jeb Bush mispronounced Boko Haram and got confused between Iran and Iraq. When reached for comment, his brother George W. said, 'He sure sounds presidentiary to me.'
-- Conan O'Brien

#Brother #Confused #Iran

Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world's oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing: Gary Coleman is going to drown.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Ocean #Mean #Feet

The Republican-controlled House voted to repeal the healthcare bill. If that goes well, they'll see what they can do about this whole 'women voting' thing.
-- Conan O'Brien

#House #Voting #Bills

Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they'll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Funny #Player #Eight

Tough times for Martha Stewart. Yesterday, Martha Stewart reported to her parole officer and had to take a mandatory urine test for cocaine and marijuana. Martha was found to be drug-free and her urine was found to be a lovely yellow saffron.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Marijuana #Yellow #Yesterday

Pope Francis announced that next year he is coming to the United States, or as Fox News is reporting it, 'Obama lets in yet another guy from South America.'
-- Conan O'Brien

#Years #America #Guy

Being a Dad is the greatest, except for assembling things.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Inspirational #Dad #Being A Dad

Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Stars #War #Years

Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Life #Inspiring #High School Graduation

The corporate scandals are getting bigger and bigger. In a speech on Wall Street, President Bush spoke out on corporate responsibility, and he warned executives not to cook the books. Afterwards, Martha Stewart said the correct term was to saute the books.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Wall #Book #Responsibility

Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running for president. Apparently, some Democrats don't like the idea, while others hate it.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Running #Hate #Ideas

Texas Senator Ted Cruz said if elected president he would abolish the Department of Education. But not to worry. He promised to replace it with the less expensive Bureau of Book Learning.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Book #Texas #Worry

President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, 'It's even worse than we thought. He's a Jewish Muslim.'
-- Conan O'Brien

#Night #White #House

Vanity Fair magazine reports that former President Clinton and Al Gore haven't spoken to each other since George W. Bush's inauguration. Not only that, Bill and his wife, Hillary, haven't spoken since Richard Nixon's inauguration.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Vanity #Wife #President

Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Path #Dartmouth

I picked out my Halloween costume. I’m going as 'Slutty Madeleine Albright.'
-- Conan O'Brien

#Halloween #Costumes #Madeleines

President Obama , I guess, is starting to confess to some of his anxieties. In a recent interview, President Obama said, 'I miss being anonymous.' He said, 'In the old days, I could blend in with all the other Hawaiian Barack Hussein Obamas.'
-- Conan O'Brien

#Anxiety #Missing #President

It's starting to look like Donald Trump may be a serious presidential candidate. If you're in my line of work, Trump running for president for real is the greatest thing that has ever happened.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Running #Real #Presidential

I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Inspirational #Funny #Motivational

I hate cynicism - it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Hate #Quality #Cynicism

Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he's been asked to join the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'
-- Conan O'Brien

#Funny #London Olympics #Yesterday

Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Experts #Shutting Down #Favors

Donald Trump called George W. Bush 'the worst president in the history of the United States.' Then he added, 'Until, of course, I'm elected.'
-- Conan O'Brien

#President #United States #Trump

It has become cliché to say I laughed until I cried, but when I'm done reading one of [Kupperman's] underground comics my shirt is literally soaking wet. This guy may have one of the best comedy brains on the planet right now.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Reading #Guy #Brain

Yesterday in Egypt, archaeologists discovered the burial site for the 50 children of Ramses II...Fifty children! What I want to know is, who decided to name a condom after this guy?
-- Conan O'Brien

#Children #Egypt #Names

North Korea threatened to launch a missile at South Korea. North Korea backed down after South Korea threatened to launch a sequel to 'Gangnam Style.'
-- Conan O'Brien

#Korea #Style #Missiles

One of the candidates running for governor is a 100-year-old woman. Yeah, the 100-year-old says she'd like to recall Governor Gray Davis, but more importantly, she'd like to recall where she left her teeth.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Running #Years #Teeth

People all over the world now are following our election. And according to a new international poll that just came out, I think this came out a few hours ago, this is true, people in Canada want Barack Obama to be the next U.S. president. That's what they're saying. In Canada, yeah. That makes sense, because Obama has the support of Canada's anti-war voters, as well as Canada's black guy. He is very excited.
-- Conan O'Brien

#War #Thinking #People

In a new interview, Secretary of State Colin Powell repeated that the U.S. has no plans to attack Syria or Iran. After hearing this Donald Rumsfeld responded, 'Like he'd know.'
-- Conan O'Brien

#Iran #Hearing #Interviews

Oprah Winfrey just announced that she's planning to attend Barack Obama's inauguration. Oprah says she's very excited to see Obama become the second-most powerful person in the world.
-- Conan O'Brien

#Powerful #World #Planning