Stephen Colbert famous quotes

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.
-- Stephen Colbert

#America #Liberty #Giants

Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that's almost never the case. I'm just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Air #Knives #People

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Morning #Confused #Blue

I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Nails #Lions #Audience

And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.
-- Stephen Colbert

I'm just very interested in what my guests have to say. You have to be vigilant to stay ignorant.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Ignorant #Guests

Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!
-- Stephen Colbert

#America #Leader #Hungry

I suppose fear is like a drug. A little bit isn't that bad, but you can get addicted to the consumption and distribution of it.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Drug #Littles #Consumption

I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Friday #Children #Black

If you're injecting fear into other people, then you're trying to kill their minds. You're trying to get them to stop thinking.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Thinking #People #Mind

I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Gay #Conservative #Married

I have no interest in behaving or thinking cynically. But it's an easy trap to be cynical about anything, certainly when you're talking about politics or the media.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Thinking #Media #Talking

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!
-- Stephen Colbert

#Dinner #Offensive #Persons

I'm fascinated that people drawn to cults want to know what to do. And people want to know what to think. And people want to know how to feel. Not just what to feel but how to feel.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Thinking #People #Want

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Christian #Jesus #Selfish

Writing and producing the show is an intellectual process. Performing the show is far more athletic and intuitive, because you don't get to do it twice. It helps if you've done whatever the old saw is, 10,000 hours of it. Because I've done 10,000 hours of comedy, I have this database in my mind of what works and what doesn't work.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Writing #Athletic #Intellectual

Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Funny Valentines Day #Today #Should

The only thing that keeps us going back to one another is that we're all filled with such enormous self-doubt. We have doubts about our ability to be alone, to self-actualize.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Self #Doubt #Enormous

Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands ...
-- Stephen Colbert

#Hands #Mouths #Speech

It's much better to invite the audience to be part of your show rather than saying, "I command you to do this." The other thing is, you have to follow through. If you initiate a game and they take part, you can't stop until it reaches a mutually satisfying resolution.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Games #Resolution #Follow Through

Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Drinking #Gay #Way

We [comics] create our own reality on the show. I'm in a cocoon of the character's creation. Even within that reality, he's in a cocoon. While I'm an improviser and enjoy discovery, the show follows a script. I have a pretty good idea what's going to happen. It's a very ­crafted, controlled environment.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Character #Reality #Ideas

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Summer #Ideas

Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Email #Messages #Sound

The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Grief #Mean #Thinking

The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Winning #Presidential #Singers

We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Real #People #Shadow

Vodka eyeballing sounds great, but it's a slippery slope. Next, you'll be scotch nostriling, tequila nippling and, before you know it, Jager tainting.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Scotch #Next #Slippery Slope

You don't want to just do a joke because it works - we can make a lot of jokes work - you want to do a joke because it will hopefully build into an argument.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Want #Argument #Hopefully

The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun
-- Stephen Colbert

#Gun #Pens

I can really find something interesting about almost anyone I talk to.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Interesting #Something Interesting

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Inspirational #Remember #Forget

I'm not a standup. I didn't start off as a writer, I learned to write through improvisation, and so that's the part of the show that can most surprise me. The written part of the show, I know I can get wrong. You can't really get the interview "wrong."
-- Stephen Colbert

#Writing #Interviews #Surprise

The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Dog #Gluten #Gluten Free

For me, improvisation is about working with a partner. That is much easier to do in the interview, because you have a sounding board.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Interviews #Boards #Partners

Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Suicide #Men #Blow

Once I'm performing the show, I think that hour show has a certain intimacy with our audience. And that intimacy is through the lens and the live audience is a witness to that, whereas the audience at home is actually the object of my efforts.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Home #Thinking #Effort

Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Ideas #Nerd #World

If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to do the character.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Character #Interviews #Shows

Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Taken #President #Important

We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us like a river.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Rivers #Judging #Next

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes'.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Wise #Hurt #Optimistic

Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Beautiful #Athletic #Comedian

And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood. So, here's what I know -- these maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do, is show just how good those people are.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Running #Boston #Blood

Other people's deconstruction of your motivations doesn't help you do what you do. You can't swallow and think about swallowing at the same time.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Motivation #Thinking #People

Opinions are like demo tapes. I don't want to hear yours
-- Stephen Colbert

#Want #Tape #Opinion

You seem cynical because you're always talking about that selfish behavior that's dressed up as altruism. It doesn't mean there isn't altruism. It just means that it's harder to make jokes about altruism.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Selfish #Mean #Talking

I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?
-- Stephen Colbert

#Sex #Internet #Offers

I believe that people, more often than not, act with the best possible intentions. And when they don't, that's funny to me. That's why comedy ends up seeming cynical, because you're talking about the gap between what people say and what they do.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Believe #Talking #People

it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Home #School #Where You Are

If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Confused #Home #Men

A press that has validity is a press that has authority. And as soon as there's any authority to what the press says, you question the authority of the government - it's like the existence of another authority.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Government #Authority #Existence

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?
-- Stephen Colbert

#Atheist #Balls #Agnostic

Truthiness is "What I say is right, and [nothing] anyone else says could possibly be true." It's not only that I feel it to be true, but that I feel it to be true. There's not only an emotional quality, but there's a selfish quality.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Selfish #Emotional #Quality

My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Country #Ocean #Men

I hadn't intended to end up there. I meant to be a serious actor with a beard who wore a lot of black and wanted to share his misery with you.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Black #Actors #Beard

When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday.. no matter what happened Tuesday.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Change #Monday #Believe

I'm proud of my ability to understand what somebody else is trying to do and help them achieve it, because part of the aesthetic of improvisation is service. We don't lead, we only follow. You never say no. Serve the servant, follow the follower. And that's very valuable in your life, as well as very valuable in your work.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Trying #Followers #Proud

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Believe #Issues #Lakes

You know what I hate about people who criticize you? They - they criticize what you say but they never give you credit for how loud you say it.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Hate #Giving #People

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Milk #Yogurt #Tomorrow

I do my show half-hour a night four nights a week. I haven't seen my kids in 18 months, and I am losing calcium in my bones. Doctors say I should stop. I'm not going to.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Kids #Night #Doctors

After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it!
-- Stephen Colbert

#Office #Soul #President

If you imitate someone, you owe them a royalty check. If you emulate them, you don't. There's a big difference. Check your lawyer.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Differences #Lawyer #Royalty

Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Doctors #Eight #Vietnam

I could sit toe to toe at a potato table with anybody.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Potatoes #Tables #Toes

It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Mind #Tricks #Highways

After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Four #Hours #Symptoms

Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Mistake #Gun #Gun Control

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Way #Mysterious #God Works In Mysterious Ways

In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Beautiful #Children #Eye

Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can't laugh and be afraid at the same time - of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Humor #Laughing #Comedy

Thankfully dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. So whatever your dream is right now, if you don't achieve it, you haven't failed and you're not some loser-but just as importantly-if you do get your dream, you're not a winner.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Graduation #Dream #Princess

The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Country #Fate #Thinking

If it's called the USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday?
-- Stephen Colbert

#Yesterday #Usa #Today

They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Funny #Moon #Space

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Hurt #Optimistic #Self

Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil.
-- Stephen Colbert

#War #Oil

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Atheist #Balls

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Football #Country #Aunt

Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Religious #Atheist #Jesus

If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Jesus #Sense Of Humor #Trouble

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Wine #Men #Mouths

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Beer #Marijuana #Dry

First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Weed #School #People

I'd forgotten what an honest sandwich it is. For those of you not familiar, 'BLT' stands for 'bacon, lettuce, and tomato.' A lot of people think the 'B' stands for 'bread,' and I can understand someone not wanting a lettuce and tomato sandwich. But, the bread is implied in the word 'sandwich.' Anyway, it's an American original. Everyone should have a BLT as soon as they can.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Thinking #People #Sandwiches

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Heart #Men #Way

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Father #4th Of July #Political

Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Atheism #Dedicated #Superiority

Cynics always say no. Saying yes leads to knowledge. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Long #Saying Yes #Cynicism

You are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what's going to happen, often with people and places you have never seen before. And you are not in control. So say 'yes.' And if you're lucky, you'll find people who will say 'yes' back.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Graduation #Ideas #People

Used books are the ***** of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper until eventually they end up in prison.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Book #World #Pages

There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Mcdonalds #Dollars #Couches

Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high!
-- Stephen Colbert

#Running #Army #Brave New World

If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Government #Surveillance #Doing Nothing

We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and Republicans alike....We voted for the people who voted for it, and then voted for the people who reauthorized it, then voted for the people who re-re-authorize d it.
-- Stephen Colbert

#People #Credit #Surveillance

I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!
-- Stephen Colbert

#Believe #Soul #Machines

Leaving religious texts open too interpretation is the downfall of religion itself. If it is truly the word of God then there is no room for interpretation; you either take all of it or none. There is no selective belief
-- Stephen Colbert

#Religious #Leaving #Rooms

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Reality #Facts #Well Known

And my daughter said, 'Why are you yelling at us?' and I said, 'I'm trying to discipline you!' And then she looked up at me with her tear-stained eyes and said, 'This is how you teach children, by making them cry.' And it was such a clenching reminder - she won not only the argument, but she won life with that statement. I just burst out laughing, and I think they were so surprised that I burst out laughing, that they did too.
-- Stephen Colbert

#Daughter #Children #Eye