Amy Schumer famous quotes

We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.
-- Amy Schumer

#Funny #Kids #Different

I want to keep working really hard at getting better at stand-up and touring, and I can't imagine a time when I won't want to do that. But, who knows?
-- Amy Schumer

#Get Better #Want #Imagine

You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.
-- Amy Schumer

#Drinking #Drunk #Wow

Some street jokes are just timeless. There's an old street joke about comedians. The joke is that a beautiful girl comes up to a comedian at the end of the night and says, "I saw your show tonight, and I just loved it. I want to go home with you, and I'll do anything you want." And the comedian says, "Were you at the 7 or the 9?" That's just a perfect joke, because it points out how egomaniacal and obsessive comedians are. Even though I'm not waiting for a groupie, I can completely understand it. It just defines how comedians are driven.
-- Amy Schumer

#Beautiful #Girl #Home

Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.
-- Amy Schumer

#Funny #Thinking #Comedy

I understand why so many female comics quit or change their path, because it is hard. It's hard to be a comedian, and people have so much aggression towards women. I don't really know where that comes from, but I feel a total responsibility, and I'm gonna do my part, to continue on the path that I'm on.
-- Amy Schumer

#Responsibility #People #Comedian

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'
-- Amy Schumer

#Pilates #Blackouts

I may sound like a megalomaniac, but I feel like I'm equipped to become a great, memorable comedian, if I keep working my ***** off and staying at the pace I'm at, and I feel a responsibility to do that because of the women who have done it before me, and the ones who need to do it after me.
-- Amy Schumer

#Memorable #Responsibility #Comedian

I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'
-- Amy Schumer

#Funny #Guy #Brunch

The girls that I grew up with, and my friends and I, we just never had interests in common. I loved comedy. I loved Saturday Night Live, Gilda Radner, Lucille Ball, and Goldie Hawn movies. I just wanted to laugh. I liked women in comedy, and I liked male comics as I got a little older. My interests just never matched up with other girls'.
-- Amy Schumer

#Girl #Night #Laughing

Stand-up is not something that you're good at right away. You have to do it a ton. But, I think I got to shave a year off because I didn't have to get over stage fright.
-- Amy Schumer

#Thinking #Years #Stage

My mom is very good at being passive-aggressive, and my Dad is a total wiseass, so I think the mixture of the two of them is my comedy. But, I am definitely the first comedian in my family.
-- Amy Schumer

#Mom #Dad #Thinking

Whatever the joke is has to be funny, and not coming from a mean-spirited place. I think some things are totally off limits. If someone's spouse died, or one of their children, I would never joke about that. I don't have any aspirations towards writing any cancer jokes, and there's some stuff that I think is definitely taboo.
-- Amy Schumer

#Children #Cancer #Mean

Comedy isn't really something where you get discovered. You can't network your way to being funny or talented. It's not hard to get seen if you're funny. If you're funny, talented, and work hard, you will go somewhere.
-- Amy Schumer

#Hard Work #Way #Comedy

I'm not extra sensitive to handshakes. I shake hands all the time.
-- Amy Schumer

#Hands #Sensitive #Shakes

Everyone is allowed to have their own boundaries. You just are. No matter how you dress, no matter what you say or anything, and I feel strongly about that.
-- Amy Schumer

#Dresses #Matter #Boundaries

I don't feel any sense of competition at all, and that might be my naïveté, but I don't feel pitted against anyone at all.
-- Amy Schumer

#Competition #Vets #Might

I feel very open with people, and I'm good at disarming them and having conversations.
-- Amy Schumer

#People #Conversation #Disarming

I'm not sure I'd classify any topics as off-limits, but I don't look for new territories to offend. There's my joke about when my roommate beat cancer. People talk about cancer survivors like they're warriors, but from where I was sitting, she was just watching television and eating soup. Like, did she go to war? No. She kind of just sat around.
-- Amy Schumer

#Cancer #War #People

I only wear heels when it's 100-percent required, and even sometimes not then. I have to talk myself into a bra. I've done an hour of standup where I've been like, "I don't have to wear a bra tonight." If you're going to be on camera, you have to get it together, but other than that, I am pretty lazy as a woman.
-- Amy Schumer

#Lazy #Together #Cameras

I've done some things I'm embarrassed about, and I like to tell people about them so that maybe they feel less embarrassed or alone when they do something they're unsure about.
-- Amy Schumer

#People #Done #Embarrassed

To me, feminism means equality between men and women. I want to make people laugh and also point out some injustices or inequalities I see.
-- Amy Schumer

#Mean #Men #People

I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.
-- Amy Schumer

#Dark #Say Anything #Shock

I am a hot-blooded fire and I am fearless.
-- Amy Schumer

#Fire #Fearless #Hot

My background is in theater. I was a theater major in college.
-- Amy Schumer

#College #Theater #Backgrounds

I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.
-- Amy Schumer

#Work Out #Healthy

I like to create stuff. I like to express myself through jokes.
-- Amy Schumer

#Stuff #Jokes

The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde.
-- Amy Schumer

#Couple #Roles #Olivia

I think of myself as a fairly attractive girl and always have, thanks to my mom. I was brought into this world thinking I was gorgeous because my mother was extremely devoted to this notion.
-- Amy Schumer

#Girl #Mom #Mother

I think you can go from being not very funny to working really hard for 10 years and figuring out how to make a living on the road, but I don't think you can rise much above that.
-- Amy Schumer

#Thinking #Years

I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I'm not trying to make headlines. I'm just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.
-- Amy Schumer

#Thinking #People #Laughing

I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.
-- Amy Schumer

#Mother #Sleep #Weight

To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and find the best vehicle that you have to communicate what you're saying to people.
-- Amy Schumer

#Order #People #Needs

I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It's not true. I'm right where I should be.
-- Amy Schumer

#Mad #Skins #Should

My mom made me think I was gorgeous. When I was younger she was like, 'Look at you! You're an angel. You sparkle!' And I was like, 'I do!' You believe your parents.
-- Amy Schumer

#Mom #Daughter #Believe

I want to quit. Not performing, but being a woman altogether. I want to throw my hands in the air, after reading a mean Twitter comment, and say, 'All right! You got it. You figured me out. I'm not pretty. I'm not thin. I do not deserve to use my voice. I'll start wearing a burqa and start waiting tables at a pancake house. All my self-worth is based on what you can see.' But then I think, F*** that ... I am a woman with thoughts and questions and s*** to say. I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story - I will.
-- Amy Schumer

#Beautiful #Strong #Fun

I only met Joan Rivers once. But when she passed away, it felt like a part of me went away, too.
-- Amy Schumer

#Rivers #Passed Away #Mets

I hope that the next time you go to a concert, the band doesn't play the song you wanna hear! And instead, they just play songs off their new album!
-- Amy Schumer

#Song #Play #Albums

I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story - I will.
-- Amy Schumer

#Beautiful #Strong #Inspiration

I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.
-- Amy Schumer

#Drinking #Mean #Two