Amy Sedaris famous quotes

Don't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his real girlfriend.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Girlfriend #Real #Women

I've never done ***** or slept with people for money or anything.
-- Amy Sedaris

#People #Done #Heroin

Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Pet #Losing #Sometimes

I love depressing movies and depressing books.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Depressing #Book

I like crafts that come out of poverty or necessity. There used to be hobby shops where you'd get your supplies, and then you'd use your imagination.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Imagination #Hobbies #Use

You know when you watch old movies, it's always the small parts you remember, the character actors who come in like a breath of fresh air.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Character #Air #Watches

I think it's good for a person to spend time alone. It gives them an opportunity to discover who they are and to figure out why they are always alone.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Opportunity #Thinking #Giving

My favorite things often have a story behind them and are usually handmade or discovered at a flea market.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Stories #Fleas #Favorites Things

I swear I want to be a food model.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Want #Models #Swear

Don't answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you're joking.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Relationship #Thinking #Doors

Gift-wrap the framed artwork on your walls and rehang them - what's nicer than a wall of presents to look at?
-- Amy Sedaris

#Wall #Looks #Framed

Imagination! My problem is that I have so many ideas, I never have enough time to use them all. Just the other day I thought up eleven things I could do with a flowerpot. Eleven! Three of those things didn't even involve plants.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Ideas #Imagination #Enough Time

I love theatrical props: a cup filled with solid fake tea, say, or a collection of fake food, including a rubber turkey, which, during the holidays, I wrap in tinfoil so it appears to have just come out of the oven.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Holiday #Turkeys #Fake

I like to play unattractive people who think they're pretty. You can do what you want, but I prefer to look interesting.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Thinking #Play #People

If I'm creating something for myself, then I want to have fun.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Fun #Creating #Having Fun

I’ve named everything that I’ve ever owned. Real or inanimate, I have to give it a first and last name. Everything in my apartment comes alive at night.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Real #Night #Names

I have no desire to carry a movie.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Desire

I'd just much rather see an ugly person take the trash out than see somebody really pretty taking the trash out.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Ugly #Trash #Really Pretty

I'm not a good storyteller. I always think I'm going to get interrupted, or something's going to get edited. I think that comes from being in a large family, so you have to get your story in really quick or someone cuts you off.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Cutting #Thinking #Stories

I wasn't a cliquey person, and I think that's because I came from a large family. I got along with everybody, and I usually got along with the people that people didn't like.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Thinking #People #Large Family

I live in the moment.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Live In The Moment #Moments

Don't make anybody a homemade gift. Unless you're really good, or it's going to be really practical. If it's a little thing you think is cute 'cause you made it, just forget it.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Cute #Thinking #Littles

Books are challenging and inspirational to me.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Book #Challenges

My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper.
-- Amy Sedaris

#God #Mom #Easter

My kitchen's pink, like skin-tone pink, and I lowered my spice rack so it's eye level - it's true! - and my phone, so I can reach it when I fall, it's right there.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Fall #Eye #Phones

My little brother Paul. He owns his own floor sanding business called Silly P Hardwood Floors and hes really good.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Brother #Silly #Littles

I listen. I like to give advice. Mostly, Ill just try to listen to my friends, and theyll say the same thing over and over again.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Giving #Advice #Trying

I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed REALLY hard.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Men #Shoes #Feet

Before you can give of yourself to others you must know what of yourself you have to give. Every person is special. In all the land there is only one you, possibly two, but seldom more than sixteen.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Land #Two #Giving

I really don't like going out. I don't like restaurants because I don't like the idea of someone, a waitress, being responsible for my evening. I like seconds, and more, and lots of conversation, and I've always hated the idea that in a restaurant an evening just ends. I find that incredibly depressing.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Depressing #Ideas #Going Out

I just like to have the ideas. Other people can help see them through.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Ideas #People #Helping

Crafting, or 'making things,' has always been a delightful pastime of mine because it requires putting common elements together in order to achieve a lovely something that nobody needs.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Order #Lovely #Together

As my guests leave even my most simple parties, I consistently hear the same thing: 'That was the best time I ever had,' and it's always me saying it. But I do know in my heart they all feel the same way, probably.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Party #Heart #Simple

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be a hospitable person and have groups of people in your home touching your personables.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Home #People #Touching

Usually, the best ideas come from other people's good ideas, which then, after a short gestation period, become your ideas.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Ideas #People #Gestation

Exercise your imagination muscle! How many uses can you come up with for a flowerpot? Write down your answers. But don't write them in this book. Grab a separate sheet of paper. I didn't spend two and a half weeks writing a book just so you could mark up the pages with your silly ideas for things you can do with a flowerpot. When it comes down to it, what's wrong with a flowerpot not being a flowerpot? Why is nothing ever good enough for you?
-- Amy Sedaris

#Silly #Book #Writing

If you cannot come to the party, do not cancel at the last minute or give a message to a child to inform the host. And don't bother explaining why you can't attend because anything after 'because' is bullshit.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Children #Party #Giving

If you see a shy person, ask them some questions like, 'Why are you so shy? Tell everyone, we're all listening.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Listening #Shy #Persons

Learn more about yourself! Make a self-esteem collage using pictures of other people you wish you were.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Self Esteem #People #Wish

Some crafts have been practiced for centuries. These crafts were created using skills passed from generation to generation, and were motivated by necessity such as baskets and pottery, or artistic expression, such as more baskets and more pottery. Today, there is a much more leisurely attitude toward crafting, and virtually anyone without a job and access to pipe cleaners can join the elite society of crafters.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Jobs #Attitude #Expression

Crafting is putting ideas into action and then holding them together with an inexpensive adhesive.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Ideas #Together #Hobbies

Fire had an almost magical quality that suggested anything was possible. Early on, man even believed that fire was a god that had to be fed with animal sacrifices in order to burn brightly. Today we have evolved a long way from this ridiculous notion of a 'fire god' and now rightfully understand God to be a bearded being who lives amongst the clouds and hates Jews and homosexuals.
-- Amy Sedaris

#God #Hate #Sacrifice

I'd rather have a part where you walk into a room and you leave. That's perfect for me.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Perfect #Rooms #Perfect For Me

I'm not a first-place person.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Firsts #Persons

My characters always like themselves.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Character

Most people think witches are a coven of lesbians dancing naked in the forest celebrating the ***** stolen from imprisoned hypnotized males, which they then use to inseminate one another using turkey basters in order to create a legion of demon babies. Well, that's only part of it. We are also active in community outreach programs.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Baby #Thinking #Order

although it has been said that idle hands are the devil's workshop, when it comes to teenagers, both idle and active hands are the devil's workshop.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Teenager #Hands #Devil

If you decide on having an alcoholic at your party, make sure it's a large gathering. This way, until the alcoholic begins removing their clothes or dangling the cat out the window, they can sort of blend in. An alcoholic at a small gathering is called an intervention.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Party #Drinking #Cat

It's natural for humans to suppress urges, for when our desires are left unchecked they lead to broken relationships, prison time, and forest fires.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Fire #Broken #Desire

When you hear someone use the word 'meds' instead of the word 'medicine,' chances are they're no stranger to massive doses of mind-altering psychotropic drugs. Back out of the room slowly.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Medicine #Drug #Mind

Begin your story with a sentence that will immediately grab hold of your listener's ears like a surly nun in a Catholic school.
-- Amy Sedaris

#School #Catholic #Stories

My father and I have a very good relationship. We always got along. But I always scold him.
-- Amy Sedaris

#Father #Good Relationship #Very Good