Chelsea Handler famous quotes

Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. i had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Morning #Fun #Surfing

I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playing a role.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Who I Am #Roles #Tvs

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Israel #Trying #Sides

I'm a worker. I like to work and I like to provide work for other people. I like to put people on my show who normally would never have a chance at being on television.
-- Chelsea Handler

#People #Television #Chance

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Funny #Mother #Jobs

When I look at all the people that I have working for me and the company I've started and all the people that benefit from it and have a living because of it, it's very motivating to continue to do it.
-- Chelsea Handler

#People #Looks #Benefits

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Funny #Sleep #Thinking

I don't understand what apps are on my phone. Why do they ask for passwords? Why do they all ask for different passwords? It's so frustrating that I end up just reading a book every time I try to go online.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Reading #Book #Phones

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
-- Chelsea Handler

#People #Shining

I was so frivolous for so many years. It was so much fun, but you feel guilty about the brain energy you use to think about whether some celebrity was sleeping with another celebrity. The conjecture that goes along with that. You feel like your mind has been shot apart.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Fun #Sleep #Thinking

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Laughing #Important #Laugh At Yourself

I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have breasts we can't show them?
-- Chelsea Handler

#Men #Trying #Who Cares

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU
-- Chelsea Handler

#Dog

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Drinking #Beer #Thinking

My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That's just a chance you have to take.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Dog #Ex Boyfriend #Car

It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Virtue #Pursue

I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.
-- Chelsea Handler

#No Friends #Want #Tact

We women have to stick together.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Together #Sticks

I wasn’t like 'Oh, I'm going to marry 50 Cent...' I mean, seriously. But I did like him. He's very sweet and antithetical to what you'd think of him.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Sweet #Mean #Thinking

I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Important #Needs #Way

I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Stupid #Comedian #Ridiculous

What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don’t have to exercise a constitutional right just because you have it. You have the constitutional right to run for president of the United States, but most people have too much sense to insist on exercising it.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Running #Exercise #People

You should always speak your mind, and be bold, and be obnoxious, and do whatever you want and don’t let anybody tell you to stop it.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Mind #Want #Speak

Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much, and I want to help them to do adult things like drive cars, Jet-Ski, and lip-synch. I’m in awe of their little limbs, their large craniums, and their medicine-ball asses. I love the little baby steps they take while shifting their weight from side to side, and the fact that when you knock one over accidentally, he flails like a turtle on its back that can’t get up right away.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Baby #Medicine #Turtles

The important thing is to be drunk.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Drunk #Important

I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters
-- Chelsea Handler

#Down And #Quitter

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Funny #Want #Comedy

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Confusion #Firsts #Speak

A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Ideas #Rooms #Good Times

Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person was who said this was okay. After spending all that money on a bachelorette weekend, a shower, and often a flight across the country, they expect you to go to Williams Sonoma or Pottery Barn and do research? Then they send you a thank-you note applauding you for such a thoughtful gift. They're the one who picked it out!
-- Chelsea Handler

#Country #Weekend #Thoughtful

It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Dream #Long #Dreams Come True

The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Talking #Interesting #Challenges

I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Stupid #Jokes

Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurse's hat on while your father, who is also naked, is chasing her with a bandanna around his neck, is reason to put yourself up for adoption.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Mother #Kings #Father

I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied—so much so that there were days when I was like, 'I can't go to school today.' I was too scared.
-- Chelsea Handler

#School #Half #Today

Don't take 'no' for an answer. Keep knocking down walls until someone says 'yes.'
-- Chelsea Handler

#Wall #Successful #Empowering

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Funny #Tuesday #Thursday

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Funny #Care #Comedy

I definitely don't want to have kids ... I don't think I'd be a great mother. I'm a great aunt or friend of a mother ... I don't want to spend that kind of time. I don't want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don't have time to raise a child.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Mother #Children #Kids

I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.
-- Chelsea Handler

#News #Magazines #Shows

To always trust my instincts, to always believe I have something to offer — no matter how meaningless or stupid it may be — and to never listen to anyone who tells you ‘no.’
-- Chelsea Handler

#Stupid #Believe #May

People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Men #Thinking #People

Women don't have to be jealous of other women.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Jealous #Being Jealous

I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Comedian

ONE OF MY girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Girlfriend #Patterns #Becoming

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Party #Drinking #Two

My father has a high opinion of his opinion
-- Chelsea Handler

#Father #Opinion

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Fun #Drinking #Guy

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Eight #Eyebrows #Feet

Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?
-- Chelsea Handler

#Dog #Real #Men

I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn't mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe. I've always had a disliking for animal trainers, and this guy cemented my theory that people who chaperone animals for a living have never had a girl sit on their face.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Girl #Mean #Animal

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Sleep #Men #Dating

Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Country #Paris #World

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Recovery #Thinking #Eight

Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Girl #Thinking #Ivory

We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Home #Ikea #Space

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Fun #Party #People

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Funny #Children #Father

He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Vacation #Wings #Political

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Funny #Women #Love You

At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Love #Fall #Kissing

I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Night #Order #Yesterday

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Dating #No Friends #Want

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Men #Fans

It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Two #Oil #Car

Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Mother #Home #Jail

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Couple #Austin #Juice

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Hot #Looks #Skinny

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Lying #Mind #Climate

Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? It's a pain you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn't want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it. It's the pain of being betrayed by a person with whom you've fallen in love. It's not as serious as death, but it feels a whole lot like it, and as I've come to learn, pain is pain any way you slice it.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Pain #Heart #Enemy

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Dog #Real #Party

Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Dog #Pride #Gay

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Night #Hot #Buying

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Lying #Drinking #Reading

I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Children #Kids #Smell

Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Funny #Two #Comedy

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Opposites #People #Claims

There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Cat #House #Reason

I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Long #People #Stills

First of all, who cares if people hate you? There's always a guarantee that certain people will dislike you. There's never any guarantee that anyone will like you. So if anyone likes you at all, you've already won.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Fun #Hate #People

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is truly a loyal friend, then they wouldn't need to broadcast it; eventually, people will figure it out. I have a lot of good friends and not one of them has ever introduced themselves by saying, 'I'm a very good friend.'
-- Chelsea Handler

#Good Friend #Opposites #People

I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that's what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn't be dishonest about it.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Kids #Years #People

Thanksgiving is coming. I wonder what the holiday will be like at Dog the Bounty Hunter’s house—obviously, they’ll have a turkey with all-white meat.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Dog #Holiday #Turkeys

Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you’ve come to expect from Jessica Alba.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Good Luck #Laughing #Today

Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out—why not just wait until you’re crowning?
-- Chelsea Handler

#Pregnancy #Waiting #Why Not

Angelina Jolie’s older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it’s not that weird. After all, he could be the father.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Brother #Father #Suvs

Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris—sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Baby #Paris #Mercury

A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.
-- Chelsea Handler

#People #Catholic #Degrees

In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn’t have a boyfriend. She said, ‘I’m keeping my options open.’ And by options, she meant legs.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Years #Legs #Jamie

Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl
-- Chelsea Handler

#Girl #Guy

This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Killers #Skinny #Psycho

It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Eye #Play #Pleasure

Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That’s a unique way to cover up herpes.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Unique #Paris #Gold

I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Long #Effort #Shapes

You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Honest #Being Honest #Ends

No one tells me what to do -- in any capacity.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Capacity

My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It’s really sad, because that’s what my show is all about — what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Reading #Magazines #Tabloids

I love people who have such passion for complete nonsense.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Passion #People #Nonsense

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Heartache #Focus #Important

Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.
-- Chelsea Handler

#Funny Motivational #Sometimes #Wonder