Joan Rivers famous quotes

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.
-- Joan Rivers

#Apology #Laughing #Watches

If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
-- Joan Rivers

#Horse #Believe #Two

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
-- Joan Rivers

#Funny #Years #Lucky

Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
-- Joan Rivers

#Gay #Cost #Married

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
-- Joan Rivers

#Success #Inspiration #Memorable

Comedy exists to laugh at things that aren't laughable. But isn't it? That's what separates us from the animals. We laugh.
-- Joan Rivers

#Animal #Laughing #Comedy

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
-- Joan Rivers

#Funeral #Age #Different

What could be nicer than to have three horrible children behind you in an airplane, and the next set, you go onstage and you talk about how much you despise the children and what you would like to do to them on an airplane? That's the only time I would gladly take a terrorist on. It'd be worth it to get rid of these children.
-- Joan Rivers

#Children #Airplane #Three

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
-- Joan Rivers

#Daughter #Mother #Sleep

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.
-- Joan Rivers

#Thinking #Very Happy

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
-- Joan Rivers

#Mean #Enjoy Life #Alive

I think Hillary Clinton's style is perfect. Perfect. You don't notice what she's wearing, you notice the woman.
-- Joan Rivers

#Thinking #Perfect #Style

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
-- Joan Rivers

#Funny #Witty #Baby

I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.
-- Joan Rivers

#Simple #Thinking #Worry

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
-- Joan Rivers

#Partners #Equal #Forty

If you don't think you're funny, no one else will.
-- Joan Rivers

#Thinking

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
-- Joan Rivers

#Funny #Hilarious #Women

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.
-- Joan Rivers

#Love Life #Missing #Life Is Like

My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
-- Joan Rivers

#Fashion #Holiday #Faces

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud.
-- Joan Rivers

#Fashion #Clothes #Age

Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.
-- Joan Rivers

#Breakup #Divorce #Unhappy

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.
-- Joan Rivers

#Calm #Calm Down #Enjoy

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
-- Joan Rivers

The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.
-- Joan Rivers

#Stage

Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.
-- Joan Rivers

#Adventure #Laughing #Looks

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
-- Joan Rivers

#Happiness #Money #Memorable

I was born in 1962 and the room next to me was 1963.
-- Joan Rivers

#Rooms #Next #Born

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
-- Joan Rivers

#Stay Strong #Strong #Upset

A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.
-- Joan Rivers

#Children #Taught #Hot

It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
-- Joan Rivers

#Love #Funny #Long

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him. You'll double your wardrobe.'
-- Joan Rivers

#Mom #Mother #Dating

I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'
-- Joan Rivers

#Hate #People #Doe

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
-- Joan Rivers

#Husband #Names #Dating

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
-- Joan Rivers

#Might #Aging

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
-- Joan Rivers

#Fun #Aging #Getting Old

You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
-- Joan Rivers

#Sexy #Age #Underwear

Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.
-- Joan Rivers

#Grandchildren #Pigs #Talking

I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
-- Joan Rivers

#Want #Aging #Chickens

My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
-- Joan Rivers

#Age #Mammograms #Lows

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.
-- Joan Rivers

#Regret #Done

Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.
-- Joan Rivers

#Dog #True Friend #Love You

I think it was Cosby who also said to me, 'If only 2 percent of the world thinks you're funny, you'll still fill stadiums for the rest of your life.'
-- Joan Rivers

#Thinking #World #Said

Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
-- Joan Rivers

#Worry #Process

Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.
-- Joan Rivers

#Enjoy

I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.
-- Joan Rivers

#Daughter #Wish #Littles

On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
-- Joan Rivers

#White #Laughing

If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly
-- Joan Rivers

#Military #Gay #Ugly

The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius' bathroom floor,
-- Joan Rivers

#Hair #Red #Lasts

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
-- Joan Rivers

#Husband #Trout #My Husband

Does fashion matter? Always - though not quite as much after death.
-- Joan Rivers

#Fashion #Doe #Matter

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
-- Joan Rivers

#Aspirin #Mayonnaise #Hillarious

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
-- Joan Rivers

#Memorable #Laughing #Tough

You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
-- Joan Rivers

#Rooms #Dentist #Canaries

My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "pick up, I know you're there."
-- Joan Rivers

#Daughter #My Daughter #Speak

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
-- Joan Rivers

#Pay #Plastic #Plastic Surgery

Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.
-- Joan Rivers

#Powerful #Air #Finals

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
-- Joan Rivers

#Fashion #Clothes #Should

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
-- Joan Rivers

#Love #Pain #Husband

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
-- Joan Rivers

#Thank You #Country #Fashion

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
-- Joan Rivers

#Funny #Hilarious #Mistake

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.
-- Joan Rivers

#Motherhood #Parenting #Thank God

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
-- Joan Rivers

#Wise #Wisdom #Thinking

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
-- Joan Rivers

#Funny #Witty #Women

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
-- Joan Rivers

#Inspiring #Smart #Humor

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
-- Joan Rivers

#Funny #Stupid #War

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
-- Joan Rivers

#Funny #Mother #Witty

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
-- Joan Rivers

#Love #Life #Sex

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
-- Joan Rivers

#Women #Memorable #Stomach

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
-- Joan Rivers

#Inspirational #Funny #Running

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
-- Joan Rivers

#People #Accepting #Method

Never floss with a stranger.
-- Joan Rivers

#Funny #Life #Stranger

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
-- Joan Rivers

#Memorable #Swimming #Oil

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
-- Joan Rivers

#Memorable #Wish #Looks

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
-- Joan Rivers

#Sexy #Fashion #Getting Old

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
-- Joan Rivers

#Mother #Apology #People

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
-- Joan Rivers

#Memorable #Laughing #Age

Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
-- Joan Rivers

#Dark #Optimism #Matter

We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
-- Joan Rivers

#Age #Way #Steak

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
-- Joan Rivers

#Thinking

Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
-- Joan Rivers

#Husband #Cake #Should

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
-- Joan Rivers

#Baby #Lying #Looks

You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.
-- Joan Rivers

#Thinking

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
-- Joan Rivers

#Jewelry #Sometimes #Hillarious

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done You can tune me out, you can click me off, it's OK. I am not going to bow to political correctness. But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party.
-- Joan Rivers

#Regret #Party #Political

You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
-- Joan Rivers

#Love And Marriage #Doe #Spit

There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I've Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
-- Joan Rivers

#Book #Self #Way

I have to tell you that it's not going to be easy. Take every chance and every opportunity that you can. Don't say 'I can't' or 'I shouldn't' or 'I'm too tired.'
-- Joan Rivers

#Tired #Opportunity #Chance

I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.
-- Joan Rivers

#Reading #Liquid #Hillarious

No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.
-- Joan Rivers

#Moving #White #Botox

I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
-- Joan Rivers

#Love Is #Israel #Blue

I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.
-- Joan Rivers

#Hate #Kissing #Yelling

I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
-- Joan Rivers

#Guy #Dumb #Naked

I’m never without a bandage.
-- Joan Rivers

I've learned: When you get older, who cares? I don't mince words, I don't hold back. What are you gonna do to me? Fire me? It's been done. Threaten to commit suicide? Done. Take away my show? Done! Not invite to me to the Vanity Fair party? I've never been invited! If I ever saw the invitation, I'd use it as toilet paper.
-- Joan Rivers

#Suicide #Party #Fire

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
-- Joan Rivers

#Funny #Husband #Names

All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
-- Joan Rivers

#Baby #Glasses #Looks

If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.
-- Joan Rivers

#Dog #Floating #Insult

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
-- Joan Rivers

#Lobotomy #Plastic #Surgery

Having a baby can be a scream.
-- Joan Rivers

#Baby #Scream #Having A Baby

Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all; grief is a spectator sport for them.
-- Joan Rivers

#Sports #Running #Grief