Phyllis Diller famous quotes

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Funny #Mom #Mother

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Football #Motivational Sports #Inspiration

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Thanksgiving #Fun #Kids

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
-- Phyllis Diller

#Funny #Hilarious #Witty

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Funny #Anniversary #Marriage

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
-- Phyllis Diller

#People #Blouses

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Christmas #Jobs #Clever

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Inspirational #Life #Birthday

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Inspirational #Funny #Witty

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Inspirational #Blood #Type

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Funny #Hilarious #Mom

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Funny #Family #Mom

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Growing Up #Children #Silly

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Baby #Doctors #World

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Anger #Frustration #Kitchen

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Inspirational #Anniversary #Mistake

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Running #Children #Women

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Years #Behinds #Eighteen

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Mom #Children #Mean

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Three #Comedy #Argument

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Inspirational #Beauty #Skins

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Inspirational #Mother #Pain

Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Splits #Firsts #Spirit

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Inspirational #Night #Central Park

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Shoes #Compliment #Barefoot

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Mom #Funny Inspirational #Clever

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Funny #Witty #Humorous

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Airbags #Walkers

I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'
-- Phyllis Diller

#Made

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Husband #Divorced

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Age #How You Feel #Aging

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Fitness #Exercise #Ideas

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
-- Phyllis Diller

#Doors #House #Enemy

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Fall #Drinking #Falling Down

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
-- Phyllis Diller

#Humility #Humble #Mirrors

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Song #Lines #Singers

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Inspirational #Ghetto #Littles

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Inspirational #Justice #Looks

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Inspirational #Half #Hours

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Mean #Tennis #Love Means

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Yards #Buried #Housework

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Beauty #Use #Emergencies

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Wanted

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Pregnancy #Common #Birth

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Children #Writing #Dust

Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
-- Phyllis Diller

#Wall #Home #People