Funny Inspirational Quotes:

Poor empty pants With nobody inside them.

topic: Funny Inspirational, Party, Character, Dinner Party

So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads.

topic: Funny Inspirational, Pants, Empty

If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

topic: Life, Beautiful, Funny Inspirational, Great Writing, Inspiring Writing

- Edsger Dijkstra

topic: Funny Inspirational, Debugging, Bugs, Removal, Programming Languages

People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.

- Elayne Boosler

topic: Baby, Funny Inspirational, People, Inspirational Pregnancy, Pregnant Inspirational

Funny women are honest women.

- Elizabeth Meriwether

topic: Funny Inspirational, Funny Women, Honest, Honest Woman

Not since I was 10, trying to get Nick Vossler's attention in PE. 'Red Rover, Red Rover, send Nicholas right over!'

- Elizabeth Olsen

topic: Funny Inspirational, Trying, Attention

Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women.

- Elsa Schiaparelli

source: "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

topic: Funny Inspirational, Dresses, World, Fashionista, Fashion Design

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

- Erma Bombeck

topic: Funny Inspirational, Children, White, Parenthood Funny, Having Children

Never abandon your dreams. You may regret it for the rest of your life.

- Fabiola Gianotti

topic: Dream, Funny Inspirational, Regret

You never came out the way you came in.

- Francis Spufford

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Funny Inspirational

Don't mind your make-up, you'd better make your mind up.

- Frank Zappa

topic: Funny Inspirational, Mind, Funny Motivational

The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.

- Friedrich Nietzsche

topic: Funny Inspirational, Memories, Philosophical, Best Memories, Sweet Memories

Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history.

- George Bernard Shaw

topic: Funny Inspirational, Men, Hegel, Funny Oxymoron

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

- George Bernard Shaw

topic: Relationship, Sarcastic, Funny Inspirational, Instant Communication, Mind Opening

The average age (longevity) of a meat eater is 63. I am on the verge of 85 and still work as hard as ever. I have lived quite long enough and am trying to die; but I simply cannot do it. A single beef-steak would finish me; but I cannot bring myself to swallow it. I am oppressed with a dread of living forever. That is the only disadvantage of vegetarianism.

- George Bernard Shaw

topic: Funny Inspirational, Vegetarianism, Average, Vegan Food, Vegetarian Food

At my age flowers scare me.

- George Burns

topic: Birthday, Funny Inspirational, Flower

It was not so very long ago that people thought that semiconductors were part-time orchestra leaders and microchips were very small snack foods.

- Geraldine Ferraro

source: Geraldine Ferraro, Linda Bird Francke (1985). “Ferraro: My Story”, p.191, Northwestern University Press

topic: Funny Inspirational, Snacks, Long, Microchips, Part Time

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

- Gilbert K. Chesterton

topic: Funny Inspirational, Food, Poetry, Delicious Food, Great Poet

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.

- Gilda Radner

topic: Witty, Fashion, Funny Inspirational, Itching

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

- Gracie Allen

topic: Funny Inspirational, Women, Memorable, Status Updates, Whatsapp

When you take the time to actually listen, with humility, to what people have to say, it's amazing what you can learn. Especially if the people who are doing the talking also happen to be children.

- Greg Mortenson

source: Greg Mortenson (2009). “Stones into Schools: Promoting Peace with Education in Afghanistan and Pakistan”, p.140, Penguin

topic: Funny Inspirational, Children, Humility, Being A Good Parent

Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.

- Grenville Kleiser

source: "On the Art of Business". Book by James Howard Merkel, Abdul Wahab Al-Falaij, p.66, February 1, 2004.

topic: Inspiring, Depression, Funny Inspirational, Gin And Tonic, Mind And Body

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

- Groucho Marx

topic: Funny Inspirational, People, Care

Talent without discipline is like an octopus on roller skates. There's plenty of movement, but you never know if it's going to be forward, backwards, or sideways.

- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

topic: Funny Inspirational, Octopus, Discipline, Self Discipline, Daily Discipline

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.

- H. L. Mencken

topic: Funny Inspirational, Freedom, Business

A man always blames the woman who fools him. In the same way he blames the door he walks into in the dark.

- H. L. Mencken

topic: Funny Inspirational, Dark, Men, Pranks, Fools Day

When anybody laughs, he has no mind, no thought, no problem, no suffering.

- H. W. L. Poonja

topic: Funny Inspirational, Laughing, Mind

Given a choice of weapons with you sir, I should choose grammar.

- Halliwell Hobbes

topic: Funny Inspirational, Choices, Weapons

Readers are plentiful; thinkers are rare.

- Harriet Martineau

source: Harriet Martineau (1837). “Society in America”, p.176

topic: Funny Inspirational, Thinker, Reader, Plentiful

You put a baby in a crib with an apple and a rabbit. If it eats the rabbit and plays with the apple, I'll buy you a new car.

- Harvey Diamond

topic: Baby, Funny Inspirational, Play, Bunny Rabbits, Raw Meat

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

- Henny Youngman

topic: Funny Inspirational, Winning, Battle

When you're out of willpower you call on stubbornness, that's the trick.

- Henri Matisse

topic: Funny Inspirational, Willpower, Stubbornness

The competitor to be feared is one who never bothers about you at all, but goes on making his own business better all the time.

- Henry Ford

topic: Money, Funny Inspirational, Business, Model T, Own Business

Those who believe they can do something and those who believe they can't are both right.

- Henry Ford

topic: Motivational, Inspiring, Funny Inspirational, Can Do Something

If you are not your own doctor, you are a fool.

Everyone has a doctor in him or her; we just have to help it in its work. The natural healing force within each one of us is the greatest force in getting well. Our food should be our medicine. Our medicine should be our food. But to eat when you are sick, is to feed your sickness.

topic: Funny Inspirational, Doctors, Fool, Doctoring

Let your food be your medicine, and your medicine be your food.

topic: Funny Inspirational, Get Well, Healing, Chiropractic Care, Self Healing

To do nothing is sometimes a good remedy.

topic: Funny Inspirational, Medicine, Food Safety, Food Medicine

Natural forces within us are the true healers of disease.

source: " A New Dictionary of Quotations on Historical Principles from Ancient and Modern Sources" by H. L. Mencken, 1942.

topic: Funny Inspirational, Sometimes, Remedy

Nature itself is the best physician.

topic: Funny Inspirational, Disease, Natural, Healer, Self Healing

The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it's bad for you.

topic: Funny Inspirational, Physicians

- Isaac Asimov

topic: Funny Inspirational, Law, Taste

If you owe the bank $100 that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.

- J. Paul Getty

source: "he Five Rules for Successful Stock Investing". Book by Pat Dorsey & ‎Joe Mansueto, p. 234, 2003.

topic: Funny Inspirational, Business, Motivation, Money Problem, Investment Banking

Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.

- James Bryant Conant

source: Personal Quote, www.imdb.com.

topic: Motivational, Courage, Funny Inspirational, Taking Risks, Chance And Risk

To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first.

- Janeane Garofalo

topic: Confidence, Courage, Funny Inspirational

To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.

- Janet Coleman

topic: Funny Inspirational, Hate, Errors

You know what they say when a supermodel gets pregnant? Now she's eating for one.

- Jay Leno

topic: Funny Inspirational, Eating, Supermodel

I don't think about it in terms of being a woman. Being gracious, attentive, curious, interested are requirements for everyone.

- Jenna Lyons

topic: Funny Inspirational, Thinking, Requirements

There are two ways to pass a hurdle: leaping over or plowing through... There needs to be a monster truck option.

- Jeph Jacques

topic: Funny Inspirational, Two, Way, Plowing

While I was drying off Maddie after her bath tonight, she said, 'I love you' to me for the first time. It sounded like 'All lub boo,' but I didn't care. To reciprocate, I showed her what an ex-Marine looks like when he cries.

- Jim Beaver

topic: Funny Inspirational, Love You, Marine, Reciprocate

Girls have got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.

- Joan Jett

source: Twitter post from Nov 10, 2013

topic: Girl, Funny Inspirational, Balls

To think is easy. To act is hard. But the hardest thing in the world is to act in accordance with your thinking.

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

topic: Funny Inspirational, Inspirational Life, Integrity, Funny Motivational

The full area of ignorance is not mapped. We are at present only exploring the fringes.

- John Desmond Bernal

topic: Funny Inspirational, Learning, Ignorance

More die in the United States of too much food than of too little.

- John Kenneth Galbraith

topic: Funny Inspirational, Food, America, Inspirational Weight, Inspirational Weight Loss

I ain't sleeping. I'm just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids.

- Jonathan Raban

topic: Funny Inspirational, Sleep, Looks, Eyelids

If you are afraid of being lonely, don't try to be right.

- Jules Renard

topic: Lonely, Funny Inspirational, Loneliness, Feeling Alone, Like Being Alone

Humor is most powerful thing that uses laughter as it base to chase your blues away.

- Kareena Kapoor

topic: Funny Inspirational, Laughter, Powerful

My one goal when I started was not to actually vomit on TV or run away.

- Kate McKinnon

topic: Running, Funny Inspirational, Goal

Sexism is so five minutes ago. I think for the most part, people accept that women are as competent as men.

- Katie Couric

topic: Funny Inspirational, Thinking, Men, Five Minutes

You should just dump the whole saving the world plan and go with global domination. It's probably be more fun.

- Katie MacAlister

topic: Funny Inspirational, World, Saving

The nicest thing about quotes is that they give us a nodding acquaintance with the originator which is often socially impressive.

- Kenneth Williams

source: Acid Drops preface (1980)

topic: Funny Inspirational, Giving, Nodding

There is really a je ne sais quoi about turkey cooking - the air of festivity, the family squabbles, the constant basting - that does not apply to the turkey breast, which is, really, a convenience of food... A turkey without seasonal angst is like a baseball game without a national anthem, a winter without snow, a birthday party without candles.

- Laurie Colwin

topic: Baseball, Funny Inspirational, Party, Squabbles, Festivities

Start with good people, lay out the rules, communicate with your employees, motivate them and reward them. If you do all those things effectively, you can't miss.

- Lee Iacocca

topic: Leadership, Funny Inspirational, Communication, Great Employee

Can we call a moratorium on the use of the term 'ladyparts'? Grazia!

- Lena Dunham

topic: Funny Inspirational, Use, Term

There's a little truth in all jive, and a little jive in all truth.

- Leonard Barnes

topic: Funny Inspirational, Littles

I'm not a driven businessman, but a driven artist. I never think about money. Beautiful things make money.

- Lord Acton

topic: Beautiful, Funny Inspirational, Business, Great Businessman

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

- Lucille Ball

topic: Happy Birthday, Beauty, Funny Inspirational, Humorous Birthday, Staying Young

The dumbest people I know are those who know it all.

- Malcolm Forbes

topic: Funny Inspirational, People, Know It All

The key to success is not through achievement, but through enthusiasm.

- Malcolm Forbes

topic: Funny Inspirational, Keys, Achievement, Funny Motivational

We all obsess about what we are doing and accomplishing. What if we let it go and simply made the way we live our lives our accomplishment?

- Maria Shriver

source: "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Funny Inspirational, Accomplishment, What If

I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time.

- Marilyn Monroe

topic: Funny, Funny Inspirational, Time

The standard four food groups are based on American agricultural lobbies. Why do we have a milk group? Because we have a National Dairy Council. Why do we have a meat group? Because we have an extremely powerful meat lobby.

- Marion Nestle

source: "Feeding Frenzy" by Laura Shapiro, www.newsweek.com. May 26, 1991.

topic: Funny Inspirational, Powerful, Four, Dairy, Vegan Food

Vince Lombardi says, you know, in my life there are three things: God, family, and the Green Bay Packers, in that order. For me, it's God, family, and Yahoo, in that order.

- Marissa Mayer

topic: Funny Inspirational, Order, Green, Packers, Lombardi

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

topic: Life, Funny Inspirational, Honesty, Way In Life, Trustworthiness

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.

topic: Motivational, Funny Inspirational, Business, Wittiest, Annoyance

Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn't any. But this wrongs the jackass.

topic: Funny Inspirational, Humor, Knowledge

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four..

topic: Funny Inspirational, Men, Differences, Jackasses

Any fool can write code that a computer can understand. Good programmers write code that humans can understand.

topic: Funny Inspirational, Humorous, Three, Fools And Foolishness, Fools Day

- Martin Fowler

source: Jay Fields, Shane Harvie, Martin Fowler, Kent Beck (2009). “Refactoring: Ruby Edition”, p.36, Pearson Education

topic: Funny Inspirational, Writing, Fool, Software Design, Developing

People have to follow their hearts, and if their hearts lead them to Wal-Mart, so be it.

- Maynard James Keenan

source: "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Funny Inspirational, Heart, People

Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.

- Mel Brooks

source: Quoted in John Robert Columbo, Popcorn in Paradise (1980)

topic: Inspiring, Funny Inspirational, Truth, Bad Taste, Saying The Truth

It's bizarre that the produce manager is more important to my children's health than the pediatrician.

- Meryl Streep

topic: Funny Inspirational, Children, Food, Inspirational Health, Favorite Foods

There is no magic to achievement. It's really about hard work, choices, and persistence.

- Michelle Obama

topic: Funny Inspirational, Hard Work, Persistence

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

- Milton Berle

topic: Funny Inspirational, Luck, Progress, Watching Television, Candlelight

There are so many distractions you can face as a woman, either with relationships or worrying about, Should I go to this party? or, Should I be doing this to help me get ahead? All [success] is, is doing your work and staying focused. It's boring advice, but boring good advice is what you can get from me!

- Mindy Kaling

topic: Funny Inspirational, Party, Worry

A skeptic is a person who, when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it is a forgery.

- Morris Bender

topic: Funny Inspirational, Wall, Handwriting, Forgery, Handwriting On The Wall

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

- Napoleon Bonaparte

source: "The Military Quotation Book" by James Charlton, (p. 93), 2002.

topic: Funny Inspirational, Business, Mistake, Making Mistakes And Learning From Them, Martial Arts Inspirational

Software sucks because users demand it to.

- Nathan Myhrvold

topic: Funny Inspirational, Demand, Software, Programmers, Programming Funny

Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable.

- Oliver Wendell Holmes

topic: Funny Inspirational, Wish, Common

The basis of optimism is sheer terror.

- Oscar Wilde

topic: Positive, Funny Inspirational, Attitude

Men hunt I think maybe because they have something wrong with their own equipment and they need something else to shoot.

- Pamela Anderson

topic: Funny Inspirational, Men, Thinking, Vegetarian Health

This is a long-delayed, hard-won, and badly needed victory for millions of women.

- Patty Murray

topic: Funny Inspirational, Long, Victory

The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.

- Paul Reiser

topic: Funny Inspirational, Transition, Remember

Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.

- Peter Drucker

topic: Leadership, Wise, Funny Inspirational, Managing Change, Managing People

Time is the scarcest resource and unless it is managed nothing else can be managed.

- Peter Drucker

topic: Life, Wise, Funny Inspirational, Project Management, Business Management

I'm glad I don't play anymore. I could never learn all those handshakes.

- Phil Rizzuto

topic: Funny Inspirational, Play, Handshake

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

- Phyllis Diller

topic: Mom, Funny Inspirational, Clever, Off The Wall, Funny Family Reunion

Internet's been down most of the day [at work]. Doing research by just asking everyone what we remember to be true. What could possibly go wrong?

- Rachel Maddow

topic: Funny Inspirational, Research, Asking

These motivational tapes have really inspired me! I'm going to make a million dollars, buy my own company and retire early. Then, I'm going to write a novel and a symphony and give all the profits to charity. Then next month, I'll figure out how to do it.

- Randy Glasbergen

topic: Funny Inspirational, Writing, Symphony

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.

- Rita Mae Brown

topic: Happiness, Funny Inspirational, Clever, Memory Loss, Secret To Happiness

Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

- Rita Rudner

topic: Funny Inspirational, Tough, Life Is, Inspirational Pregnancy, Life Is Tough

Self awareness is NOT just a bunch of amino acids bumping together.

- Robert A. Heinlein

topic: Funny Inspirational, Self, Together, Stranger In A Strange Land, Amino Acids

Tough times never last, but tough people do.

- Robert H. Schuller

source: Robert H. Schuller (1993). “Robert H Schuller: The Inspirational Writings : Tough Times Never Last, But Tough People Do/Tough Minded Faith for Tender Hearted People”, Bbs Publishing Corporation

topic: Motivational, Positive, Funny Inspirational, Daily Work, Just Stay Strong

I'm going to speak my mind because I have nothing to lose.

- S. I. Hayakawa

topic: Funny Inspirational, Mind, Speak

Women and people of color and young people especially are about to have this amazing opportunity to shift the political conversation in this country for the good of all of us, toward more progressive policies, and it's a really amazing and important time to be part of that.

- Sandra Fluke

source: "Glamour Women Of The Year Awards Honor Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Lena Dunham, Zaha Hadid And Others" By Margaret Wheeler Johnson, www.huffingtonpost.com. November 13, 2012.

topic: Country, Funny Inspirational, Opportunity, Amazing Opportunities

I didn't want women to walk out of the dressing rooms feeling depressed and wanting a cocktail.

- Sara Blakely

topic: Funny Inspirational, Feelings, Want, Feeling Depressed

I've tried many different types of alarm apps, but the tried and true is the iPhone alarm. I like it because you can label your alarms. For my personal amusement, I've labeled them 3 a.m. for 'ridiculously early,' 3:30 is just 'early,' and 4 is 'slacker.'

- Savannah Guthrie

topic: Funny Inspirational, Iphone, Different, Slacker

I think there's something odd about eating another living anything.

- Shania Twain

topic: Funny Inspirational, Thinking, Eating

I'm not overweight. I'm just nine inches too short.

- Shelley Winters

topic: Funny Inspirational, Humorous, Weight Loss, Fatty, Inspirational Weight Loss

Everyone always says to me, 'Why aren't there more people of color on television?' I'm like, 'Why don't you ask a bunch of people who aren't putting people of color on television why there aren't more people of color on television?'

- Shonda Rhimes

topic: Funny Inspirational, Color, People

People will buy anything that is one to a customer.

- Sinclair Lewis

topic: Funny Inspirational, People

The rest of the world lives to eat, while I eat to live.

- Socrates

topic: Funny Inspirational, World, Inspirational Weight, Inspirational Weight Loss

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

- Stan Kelly-Bootle

topic: Funny Inspirational, Compromise, Consideration, Software Design, Computer Programmers

The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.

- Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

topic: Funny Inspirational, Fool, Arguing

Someone from Manolo Blahnik went into my shop and said: 'These shoes are not vegetarian.' That's the highest compliment, because you just can't tell that they are, and they are. My mum taught me to have a soul.

- Stella McCartney

topic: Funny Inspirational, Shoes, Soul

It's hard enough to find an error in your code when you're looking for it; it's even harder when you've assumed your code is error-free.

- Steve McConnell

topic: Funny Inspirational, Errors, Enough, Computer Software, Coders

Good code is its own best documentation. As you're about to add a comment, ask yourself, "How can I improve the code so that this comment isn't needed?" Improve the code and then document it to make it even clearer.

- Steve McConnell

source: Steve McConnell (2004). “Code Complete”, p.817, Pearson Education

topic: Funny Inspirational, Documentation, Add, Programming Languages, Computer Science

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

- Steven Wright

topic: Success, Funny Inspirational, Failure, Photographic Memory, Murphys Law

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

- Steven Wright

topic: Love, Dream, Funny Inspirational, Wandering Mind, Wandering Around

Excessive animal protein is at the core of many chronic diseases.

- T. Colin Campbell

topic: Funny Inspirational, Animal, Disease

Happiness does not come from doing easy work but from the afterglow of satisfaction that comes after the achievement of a difficult task that demanded our best.

- Theodore Isaac Rubin

topic: Happiness, Uplifting, Funny Inspirational, Inner Happiness, Easy Work

Plant a radish, get a radish, never any doubt. That's why I love vegetables, you know what they're about!

- Tom Jones

source: Harvey Schmidt, Tom Jones (2000). “The Fantasticks”, p.92, Hal Leonard Corporation

topic: Funny Inspirational, Vegetables, Doubt, Radishes

The world wants to define me by my mammary glands and melanin. It is just fascinating that Michael Mann has never been asked what it is like to be a white male filmmaker.

- Victoria Mahoney

source: "There Is an Audience for Our Films: Four African-American Female Filmmakers Speak Out". Interview with Lorenza Muñoz, www.thedailybeast.com. December 4, 2012.

topic: Funny Inspirational, White, World, Melanin

It's kind of fun to do the impossible.

- Walt Disney

source: "Animated Architecture". Book by Derek Walker, 1982.

topic: Positive, Funny Inspirational, Attitude, Animator, Nothing Can Stop Me

When all think alike, then no one is thinking

- Walter Lippmann

topic: Funny Inspirational, Thinking, Innovative Leadership, Nonconformity, Thinking Alike

I'm here today because I refused to be unhappy. I took a chance.

- Wanda Sykes

topic: Funny Inspirational, Unhappy, Today, Cancer Survivor, Breast Cancer Survivor

Our favorite holding period is forever.

- Warren Buffett

topic: Funny Inspirational, Business, War, Best Investment, Investing In Real Estate

People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.

- Will Rogers

topic: Funny Inspirational, Crazy, Anger, Words Of Anger, Landing

An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

- Will Rogers

topic: Funny Inspirational, Laughter, Cowboy, Making People Laugh, Cowboy Wisdom

The more pity, that fools may not speak wisely what wise men do foolishly.

- William Shakespeare

topic: Wise, Funny Inspirational, Memorable, Touchstones

When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened

- Winston Churchill

topic: Life, Depressing, Funny Inspirational, You Make Me Happy, Stress And Worry

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

- Winston Churchill

topic: Change, Funny Inspirational, Business, Can't Change People, Politics Funny

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

- Woody Allen

source: Woody Allen (1998). “Deconstructing Harry”

topic: Inspiring, Witty, Funny Inspirational

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.

- Woody Allen

topic: Funny Inspirational, Class, Strikes

I've been vegan for about 10 and a half years. It's been all good. I'm obviously much healthier

- Woody Harrelson

topic: Funny Inspirational, Years, Half, Vegan Health

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.

- Yogi Berra

source: "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Leadership, Funny Inspirational, Reality, Programming Languages, Computer Science

You have to really believe not only in yourself; you have to believe that the world is actually worth your sacrifices.

- Zaha Hadid

topic: Funny Inspirational, Believe, Sacrifice

Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable.

- Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

topic: Funny Inspirational, Wish, Common, Notoriety

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.

- P. J. O'Rourke

topic: Witty, Funny Inspirational, Government, Money In Politics, Limited Freedom

Interviewing is tough, especially if you don't know what you're looking for.

- Charlyne Yi

source: Source: www.interviewmagazine.com

topic: Funny Inspirational, Tough, Full Of Yourself, Murphys Law, Graduation Commencement

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

- Roseanne Barr

topic: Funny Inspirational, Children, Anger

I'm a big health-food freak and a vegetarian devotee.

- Chelsea Clinton

source: "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Funny Inspirational, Vegan Food, Vegetarian, Devotee, Vegan Health

A mother is the best friend God ever gave.

- Christian Nestell Bovee

topic: Mother, Funny Inspirational, Funny Life

When you don't know what you're doing, fake it.

- Jill Shalvis

topic: Funny Inspirational, Funny Motivational, Top Management, Man In The Moon, Recording Studio

Stop worrying, nobody gets out of this world alive.

- Clive James

source: "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Funny Inspirational, Worry, Alive, Stop Worrying

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

- Phyllis Diller

topic: Funny Inspirational, Humor, Wrinkles

There are, always and only, the bad people, but some of them are on opposite sides.

- Terry Pratchett

source: Terry Pratchett (2008). “Guards! Guards!: (Discworld Novel 8)”, p.177, Random House

topic: Funny Inspirational, Opposites, People, Vetinari

I’m not going to die because I failed as someone else. I’m going to succeed as myself.

- Margaret Cho

topic: Funny Inspirational, Succeed, Dies

Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless.

- Thomas A. Edison

source: "Artifacts : An Archaeologist's Year in Silicon Valley". Book by Christine Finn, 2001.

topic: Positive, Mean Girls, Funny Inspirational, Inventing Things, Useless Stuff

You can’t be that kid standing at the top of the waterslide, overthinking it. You have to go down the chute.

- Tina Fey

source: "Bossypants". Book by Tina Fey, April 5, 2011.

topic: Strong Women, Witty, Funny Inspirational, Strong Inspirational, Overthinking

There is always a well-known solution to every human problem - neat, plausible, and wrong.

- H. L. Mencken

source: "The Divine Afflatus". New York Evening Mail, November 16, 1917; reprinted in H. L. Mencken "Prejudices: Second Series", 1920, and in "A Mencken Chrestomathy: His Own Selection of His Choicest Writing" edited by H. L. Mencken, 1949.

topic: Funny Inspirational, Freedom, Business, Complex Problems, Wrong Answers

You should bring something into the world that wasn't in the world before. It doesn't matter what that is. It doesn't matter if it's a table or a film or gardening-everyone should create. You should do something, then sit back and say 'I did that.'

- Ricky Gervais

source: "Ricky Gervais: The ESQ+A". Interview with Cott Raab, www.esquire.com. January 12, 2012.

topic: Funny Inspirational, Gardening, World

How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?

- Rita Rudner

topic: Funny Inspirational, Morning, Noon, Morning Sickness

Lotto fever hit New York again this week, and like the old saying goes, 'You gotta be in it to win it'... but first, you gotta have a dead end job so pathetic you're willing to kill five hours standing in line for a 1 in 25 million chance.

- Dennis Miller

topic: Funny Inspirational, Jobs, New York, Standing In Line, Old Saying

I'm not confused. I'm just well mixed.

- Robert Frost

topic: Love, Life, Funny Inspirational, I Am Confused, So Confused

‎Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.

- Voltaire

source: Elizabeth Cooney Leister, Voltaire (1985). “Voltaire's Candide”, Barrons Educational Series Incorporated

topic: Positive, Funny Inspirational, Short Life, Keep A Positive Attitude, Shipwreck

According to the group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, fish have feelings too. Whenever my sons go fishing they always tell me, "Dad it doesn't hurt a fish to get hooked." Well I watch and I see and I believe it's painful for the fish.

- Donald Trump

topic: Funny Inspirational, Hurt, Dad, Animal Ethics, Treatment Of Animals

When everyone thinks alike, no one thinks very much.

- Walter Lippmann

topic: Funny, Education, Funny Inspirational

I’m glad we had the times together just to laugh and sing a song, seems like we just got started and then before you know it, the times we had together were gone.