Henny Youngman famous quotes

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
-- Henny Youngman

#Use #Aging

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman

#Love #Marriage #Secret

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.
-- Henny Youngman

#Funny Inspirational #Winning #Battle

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
-- Henny Youngman

#Funny #Witty #Good Life

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
-- Henny Youngman

#Funny #Money #Motivation

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
-- Henny Youngman

#Funny #Health #Doctors

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
-- Henny Youngman

#Funny #Success #Firsts

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
-- Henny Youngman

#Funny #Good Morning #Laughter

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.
-- Henny Youngman

#Drinking #Beer #Drunk

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
-- Henny Youngman

#Years #Two #People

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman

#Wife #Cooking #Dresses

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did
-- Henny Youngman

#Wife #Credit #Thieves

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
-- Henny Youngman

#Husband #Inspiration #Wife

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-- Henny Youngman

#I Love You #Love You #Married

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
-- Henny Youngman

#Good Life #Drinking #Grandmother

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Henny Youngman

#Crazy #Book #Reading

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
-- Henny Youngman

#Get Well #Two #Sick

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
-- Henny Youngman

#Golf #Two #Balls

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
-- Henny Youngman

#Atheist #Holiday #Atheism

What is a home without children? Quiet.
-- Henny Youngman

#Children #Home #Quiet

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
-- Henny Youngman

#Marriage #Letting Go #Hands

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
-- Henny Youngman

#Mother #Nice #Law

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
-- Henny Youngman

#Inspirational #Funny #Graduation

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
-- Henny Youngman

#Marriage #Faces #Comedy

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
-- Henny Youngman

#Time #Son #Feet

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
-- Henny Youngman

#Horse #Journey #Diaries

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.
-- Henny Youngman

#Beautiful #Wife #Political

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
-- Henny Youngman

#Doctors #Cynical #Wallets

I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker.
-- Henny Youngman

#Killing #Made #Shots

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
-- Henny Youngman

#Funny #Relationship #Anniversary

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
-- Henny Youngman

#Light #Wife #My Wife

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
-- Henny Youngman

#Funny #Marriage #Women

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
-- Henny Youngman

#Inspirational #Funny #Mother

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
-- Henny Youngman

#Crazy #Guy #Pages

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
-- Henny Youngman

#Love #Funny #Anniversary

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
-- Henny Youngman

#Golf #Clubs #Broke

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
-- Henny Youngman

#Brother #Car #My Brother

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
-- Henny Youngman

#Horse #Yesterday #Comedy

I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
-- Henny Youngman

#Book #Reading #Fifty

In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
-- Henny Youngman

#Education #Teaching #School

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.
-- Henny Youngman

#Funny #Mother #Witty

My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
-- Henny Youngman

#Education #Teacher #Memories

A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
-- Henny Youngman

#Baby #Teenage #Two

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
-- Henny Youngman

#God #People #Stupidity

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
-- Henny Youngman

#Home #Men #Homeless

I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.
-- Henny Youngman

#Inspirational #Thinking #World

My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!
-- Henny Youngman

#Wife #Doe #Cards

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.
-- Henny Youngman

#Wife #Tree #Coconuts

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
-- Henny Youngman

#Years #Wife #Lasts

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
-- Henny Youngman

#New Year #Giving Up #Years

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.
-- Henny Youngman

#Religion #Coward #Accounts

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
-- Henny Youngman

#Communication #Thinking #Cop

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
-- Henny Youngman

#Needs #Saving #Tomorrow

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
-- Henny Youngman

#Cutting #Credit #Lasts

We aim to please... You aim too, please.
-- Henny Youngman

#God #Stupidity #Aim

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
-- Henny Youngman

#Horse #Past #Gambling