Mort Sahl famous quotes

My life needs editing.
-- Mort Sahl

#Funny #Witty #Humorous

People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.
-- Mort Sahl

#Lonely #People #Guy

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
-- Mort Sahl

#Political #Politics #Conservative

I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.
-- Mort Sahl

#Want #Chicago #Buried

Will Rogers…used to come out with a newspaper and pretend he was a yokel criticizing the intellectuals who ran the government. I come out with a newspaper and pretend I’m an intellectual making fun of the yokels running the government.
-- Mort Sahl

#Running #Fun #Government

There were four million people in the American Colonies and we had Jefferson and Franklin. Now we have over 200 million and the two top guys are Clinton and Dole. What can you draw from this? Darwin was wrong!
-- Mort Sahl

#Two #People #Guy

In the forties, to get a girl you had to be a GI or a jock. In the fifties, to get a girl you had to be Jewish. In the sixties, to get a girl you had to be black. In the seventies, to get a girl you've got to be a girl.
-- Mort Sahl

#Girl #Sex #Black

The New York Times is the official leak of the State Department.
-- Mort Sahl

#New York #Media #States

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.
-- Mort Sahl

#Lying #Apology #Differences

The distance between taking social action and having the knowledge is as wide as the mouth of the Mississippi.
-- Mort Sahl

#Distance #Mouths #Action

If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.
-- Mort Sahl

#Cutting #Shopping #Two

I don't think fascism is dying for.
-- Mort Sahl

#Thinking #Dying #Fascism

We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others.
-- Mort Sahl

#Country #America #World

You haven't lived until you've died in California
-- Mort Sahl

#California

you don't know what you think unless you say it.
-- Mort Sahl

#Thinking

The bravest thing that men do is love women.
-- Mort Sahl

#Love #Men

We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.
-- Mort Sahl

#Children #Funny Marriage #Broken

A Yuppie is someone who believes it's courageous to eat in a restaurant that hasn't been reviewed yet.
-- Mort Sahl

#Believe #Yuppies #Courageous

You know what I want you to do? I want you to blow out the candle and curse the darkness.
-- Mort Sahl

#Blow #Darkness #Want

I found people looked better when they laughed
-- Mort Sahl

#People #Found

A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.
-- Mort Sahl

#Believe #Reform #Conservative

We claim we believe in compassion, which is an abstract, and when it's personified we discredit the man
-- Mort Sahl

#Believe #Men #Compassion

This matter of two sides to every question is bad logic and bad practice: sometimes there are no sides; sometimes there are a hundred.
-- Mort Sahl

#Practice #Two Sides #Matter

That feeling of hopelessness only serves your masters.
-- Mort Sahl

#Feelings #Hopelessness #Masters

A political satirist's job is to draw blood. I'm not so much interested in politics as I am in overthrowing the government.
-- Mort Sahl

#Jobs #Government #Blood

If you can't join them, beat them.
-- Mort Sahl

#Beats

If you maintain a consistent political position long enough, you'll eventually be accused of treason.
-- Mort Sahl

#Long #Political #Enough

I used to go out with actresses and other female impersonators.
-- Mort Sahl

#Acting #Actresses #Female

Professional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor. They're insensitive to the insanity of our times.
-- Mort Sahl

#Insanity #Comedian #Insensitive

Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.
-- Mort Sahl

#Demise #Lost #Carter