Humorous famous quotes
Last updated: Sep 5, 2024
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Who made the world I cannot tell; 'Tis made, and here am I in hell. My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, I never soiled with such a deed.
-- A. E. Housman -
This is for all ill-treated fellows Unborn and unbegot, For them to read when they're in trouble And I am not.
-- A. E. Housman -
Terence, this is stupid stuff: You eat your victuals fast enough; There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, To see the rate you drink your beer. But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, It gives a chap the belly-ache. The cow, the old cow, she is dead; It sleeps well the horned head: We poor lads, 'tis our turn now To hear such tunes as killed the cow. Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme Your friends to death before their time. Moping, melancholy mad: Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.
-- A. E. Housman -
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
-- A. J. Liebling -
The brand is lying about something, or at least misrepresenting it. When I read a bottle of shampoo or moisturizer or other beauty product, I always perceive a dark subtext. The words haunt me. It comes across as humorous to the reader/audience, but in fact the words really do make me a little bit queasy. Nothing is as easy or natural as consumer brands want us to think - no problem is as resolvable. Your hair will fall out, eventually. Yet we do have these brands, and we line our shelves with them. There's an inherent irony.
-- Aaron Belz -
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.
-- Abraham Kaplan -
If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
-- Abraham Maslow -
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
-- Adi Da -
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
-- Adlai E. Stevenson -
I occasionally get birthday cards from fans. But it's often the same message: They hope it's my last.
-- Al Forman -
Throughout most of my life, I raised tobacco. I want you to know that my own hands, all of my life, I put in the plant beds and transferred it! I hoed it! I've dug in it! I've sprayed it! I've chopped it! I've shredded it, spiked it, put it in the barn and stripped it and sold it!
-- Al Gore -
It seems an easy choice - sacrifice the tree for a human life - until one learns that three trees must be destroyed for each patient treated. Suddenly we must confront some tough questions. How important are the medical needs of future generations?
-- Al Gore -
Feb. 9, 1999 Dear Friend, Without your previous support, Bill Clinton and I would not have won our victories for the American people in 1992 and 1996. ... And to win in 2000, I need you by my side.
-- Al Gore -
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
-- Al McGuire -
I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.
-- Alan Coren -
In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
-- Alan Perlis -
If one tends to be a humorous person and you have a sense of humor the rest of your life then you can certainly lighten the load, I think, by bringing that to your trials and tribulations. It's easy to have a sense of humor when everything is going well.
-- Alan Thicke -
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
-- Albert Einstein -
Something about the possession of a book - an object that can contain infinite fables, words of wisdom, chronicles of times gone by, humorous anecdotes and divine revelation - endows the reader with the power of creating a story, and the listener with a sense of being present at the moment of creation.
-- Alberto Manguel -
How glorious it is - and also how painful - to be an exception.
-- Alfred de Musset -
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth -
She say, Celie, tell the truth, have you ever found God in church? I never did. I just found a bunch of folks hoping for him to show.
-- Alice Walker -
A perfect method of adding drama to life is to wait until the deadline looms large.
-- Alyce Cornyn-Selby -
Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
-- Ambrose Bierce -
The covers of this book are too far apart.
-- Ambrose Bierce -
I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.
-- Ambrose Bierce -
Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.
-- Ambrose Bierce -
The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forebearance among men.
-- Ambrose Bierce -
To be ignorant of one's ignorance is the malady of the ignorant.
-- Amos Bronson Alcott -
If there is not laughter in intimacy, it becomes heavy, burdensome, and dull. At my best moments, the love dialogue I try to carry on with You each day is comic-what could be more comic than a human addressing the Ground of Being as an intimate? It's a kind of blasphemy that I dare because you have called for it, and that is pretty humorous, too.
-- Andrew Greeley -
An unsophisticated forecaster uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts - for support rather than for illumination.
-- Andrew Lang -
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
-- Andrew Marvell -
While I would agree that I write about serious subjects, and that they're not necessarily the most pleasant subjects or even the most pleasant people, as a writer I just think about the humorous aspects of these things - that's what keeps me going when I'm writing a story.
-- Ann Beattie -
At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
-- Ann Landers -
Clearly, society has a tremendous stake in insisting on a woman's natural fitness for the career of mother: the alternatives are all too expensive.
-- Ann Oakley -
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
-- Aristotle -
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger -
Well, I'm a bacteriologist, you know. I live in a nine-hundred-diameter microscope. I can hardly claim to take serious notice of anything that I can see with my naked eye.
-- Arthur Conan Doyle -
The unexpected has happened so continually in my life that it has ceased to deserve the name.
-- Arthur Conan Doyle -
I have my own views about Nature's methods, though I feel that it is rather like a beetle giving his
-- Arthur Conan Doyle -
This looks like one of those unwelcome social summonses which call upon a man either to be bored or to lie.
-- Arthur Conan Doyle -
There seems to me to be absolutely no limit to the inanity and credulity of the human race. Homo Sapiens! Homo idioticus!
-- Arthur Conan Doyle -
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant -
My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant -
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant -
The essence of success is that it is never necessary to think of a new idea oneself. It is far better to wait until somebody else does it, and then to copy him in every detail, except his mistakes.
-- Aubrey Menen -
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
-- Axl Rose -
You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.
-- Ayn Rand -
I use humour a lot. My foundation is tragic, but my appearance is humorous.
-- Bahman Ghobadi -
The first word you see at the airport is 'terminal'.
-- Beano Cook -
Time is a circus, always packing up and moving away.
-- Ben Hecht -
It's weird that people expect me to be funny. I find it a real burden when I'm expected to be humorous on talk shows.
-- Ben Stiller -
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
-- Benjamin Franklin -
You can bear your own faults, and why not a fault in your wife?
-- Benjamin Franklin -
God works wonders now and then; Behold a lawyer, an honest man.
-- Benjamin Franklin -
Democracy is the process by which people choose the man who'll get the blame.
-- Bertrand Russell -
When it's three o'clock in New York, it's still 1938 in London.
-- Bette Midler -
I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.
-- Bette Midler -
You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them.
-- Bill Cosby -
After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was "Don't."
-- Bill Cosby -
The first time I came across the birds and the bees in actual flight, I couldn't identify the formation.
-- Bill Cosby -
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
-- Bill Maher -
The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
-- Bill Maher -
I drew pictures for and about the soldiers because I knew what their life was like and understood their gripes. I wanted to make something out of the humorous situations which come up even when you don't think life could be any more miserable.
-- Bill Mauldin -
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
-- Bill Vaughan -
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
-- Billy Connolly -
I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
-- Billy Connolly -
Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar.
-- Billy Crystal -
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
-- Bjarne Stroustrup -
If you gain, you gain all. If you lose, you lose nothing. Wager then, without hesitation, that He exists.
-- Blaise Pascal -
Any good broadcast, not just an Olympic broadcast, should have texture to it. It should have information, should have some history, should have something that's offbeat, quirky, humorous, and where called for it, should have journalism, and judiciously it should also have commentary. That's my ideal.
-- Bob Costas -
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
-- Bob Hope -
New York is my Lourdes, where I go for spiritual refreshment... a place where you're least likely to be bitten by a wild goat.
-- Brendan Behan -
You cant be a casual observer of something humorous - you have to engage, you have to find it funny for the relationship between actor and audience to work.
-- Brendan Coyle -
How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?
-- Brian Boyle -
Reinforce what you want to see repeated.What gets rewarded gets done.
-- Brian Tracy -
Manage by responsibility.It is a powerful way to grow people.
-- Brian Tracy -
Manage by exception.Only require reporting when there is a deviation from the plan.
-- Brian Tracy -
The humorous man recognizes that absolute purity, absolute justice, absolute logic and perfection are beyond human achievement and that men have been able to live happily for thousands of years in a state of genial frailty.
-- Brooks Atkinson -
There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.
-- C. S. Lewis -
Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood.
-- Cal Thomas -
I was a Teletype operator in the army, so that's where I learned to type. One day, I went downstairs to see if I could still type - I hadn't done it for four or five years after the war. So I typed out a page and I showed it to my wife and she said, "Where did you get this?" I said I wrote it. "You wrote this?" It was something very funny. I went and wrote another page, another couple of pages, and by the time I was finished I had 13 little short stories, humorous short stories.
-- Carl Reiner -
It is the business of little minds to shrink.
-- Carl Sandburg -
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
-- Carl von Clausewitz -
A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.
-- Carolyn Heilbrun -
Okay everybody, line up in alphabetical order according to your height.
-- Casey Stengel -
A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?
-- Cassandra Clare -
Going round and around inside a dryer can be fatal, whereas pasta is rarely fatal. Unless Isabelle makes it.
-- Cassandra Clare -
Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.
-- Cathy Guisewite -
You've reached Fantasia, where the undead live again every night," "For bar hours, press one. To make a party reservation, press two. To talk to alive person or a dead vampire, press three. Or, if you were intending to leave a humorous prank message on our answering machine, know this: we will find you.
-- Charlaine Harris -
Any man may be in good spirits and good temper when he's well dressed. There ain't much credit in that.
-- Charles Dickens -
Poems for children help them celebrate the joy and wonder of their world. Humorous poems tickle the funny bone of their imaginations.
-- Charles Ghigna -
If "ifs" and "ands" were pots and pans, there'd be no work for tinkers' hands
-- Charles Kingsley -
Try not to have a good time... this is supposed to be educational.
-- Charles M. Schulz
