Hilarious famous quotes
Last updated: Sep 5, 2024
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Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
-- Adi Da -
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
-- Al McGuire -
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
-- Albert Einstein -
There's power in looking silly and not caring that you do.
-- Amy Poehler -
Anybody who doesn't make you feel good, kick them to the curb. And the earlier you start in your life, the better.
-- Amy Poehler -
When your about to criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes
-- Ann Brashares -
At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
-- Ann Landers -
Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.
-- Ann Landers -
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target
-- Ashleigh Brilliant -
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant -
I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone.
-- Audrey Hepburn -
It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner.
-- Ben Berger -
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
-- Benjamin Franklin -
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
-- Benny Hill -
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
-- Benny Hill -
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?
-- Bette Midler -
We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.
-- Bill Vaughan -
Mom and Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three.
-- Billie Holiday -
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
-- Billy Sunday -
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
-- Bob Hope -
Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.
-- Bob Thaves -
There is no female Mozart because there is no female Jack the Ripper.
-- Camille Paglia -
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
-- Caroline Rhea -
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
-- Charles Lamb -
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
-- Charles Wadsworth -
Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-- Charlotte Whitton -
I love any movie that has a retarded person working at Starbucks.
-- Chris Kattan -
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
-- Chris Rock -
I always say, the bigger the hair, the smaller the hips!
-- Christie Brinkley -
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'
-- Claude Pepper -
Google "brooklyn writer" and you'll get, Did you mean: the future of literature as we know it?
-- Colson Whitehead -
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
-- Dan Chaon -
Its easy to have kids, people try to scare you into thinking "oh its hard to have kids" Its not. I have two, and I have no idea where they are right now. Kids are adorable, someone will always take care of them.
-- Dan Cummins -
Pretty sad. Pretty lonely. But that's how I prefer it? I quess? I guess. It's a good guess. It's the best quess ever.
-- Dan Harmon -
Men are simpler than you imagine my sweet child. But what goes on in the twisted, tortuous minds of women would baffle anyone.
-- Daphne du Maurier -
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
-- Dave Barry -
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
-- Dave Barry -
If women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be sincerely believe this - no military conflicts, and when there WAS a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon
-- Dave Barry -
I am truly not one to give advice. I'm divorced and I stole my best friend's husband.
-- Denise Richards -
That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.
-- Dorothy Parker -
The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.
-- Dorothy Parker -
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
-- Douglas Adams -
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
-- E. B. White -
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
-- Elayne Boosler -
Do we have to know who's gay and who's straight? Can't we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive?
-- Ellen DeGeneres -
I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from... you heterosexuals.
-- Ellen DeGeneres -
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
-- Ellen DeGeneres -
Just go up to somebody on the street and say 'You're it!' and then run away.
-- Ellen DeGeneres -
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
-- Ellen DeGeneres -
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
-- Emo Philips -
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
-- Erma Bombeck -
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.
-- Evan Esar -
It's so trendy, almost bleeding to death. All the cool girls are doing it.
-- Francine Pascal -
A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to take it off of you.
-- Francoise Sagan -
What makes big ***** and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.
-- Gena Showalter -
Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry.
-- George Ade -
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
-- George Burns -
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
-- George Carlin -
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
-- George Carlin -
And certainly, the mistakes that we male and female mortals make when we have our own way might fairly raise some wonder that we are so fond of it.
-- George Eliot -
On one issue, at least, men and women agree. They both distrust women.
-- H. L. Mencken -
You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
-- Harry S. Truman -
good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere
-- Helen Gurley Brown -
A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it.
-- Helen Rowland -
Motown, Motown, that's my era. Those are my people.
-- Hillary Clinton -
There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.
-- Hugh Leonard -
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
-- Isaac Asimov -
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
-- James Thurber -
People say women shouldn't have long hair over a certain age, but I've never done what everyone says.
-- Jane Seymour -
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
-- Jane Wagner -
I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.
-- Jay London -
The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.
-- Jean Cocteau -
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
-- Jeff Foxworthy -
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
-- Jerry Seinfeld -
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
-- Jerry Seinfeld -
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
-- Jerry Seinfeld -
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
-- Jerry Seinfeld -
I'm not anorexic. I'm from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I've never heard of one. And that includes me.
-- Jessica Simpson -
I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human, with the soul of a clown which forces me to blow it at the most important moments.
-- Jim Morrison -
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
-- Joan Rivers -
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
-- Joan Rivers -
I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
-- Jon Stewart -
Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.
-- Joseph Conrad -
The best part about being alone is that you really don't have to answer to anybody. You do what you want.
-- Justin Timberlake -
I think growing up on a farm in a certain amount of isolation, with not a lot of friends nearby, makes you entertain yourself and kind of grows your imagination - being alone is quite good for all that. You make up stories, talk to the animals, let them be an audience, a bunch of cows.
-- Kristen Schaal -
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
-- Lana Turner -
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
-- Les Dawson -
It was like hiking into a Hemingway story; everything was sepia-toned and bristling with subtext.
-- Leslie What -
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
-- Lewis Grizzard -
I am a tender, beautiful and loving guy that happens to slap a photographer now and then because they get in my way.
-- Liam Gallagher -
I only go out to get me a fresh appetite for being alone.
-- Lord Byron -
I like stepping into the future. Therefore, I look for doorknobs.
-- Marc Rosen -
I do not believe in using women in combat, because females are too fierce.
-- Margaret Mead
