Jay London famous quotes

03-25-2025

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.
-- Jay London

#Cheesy #Cheese #Whole Family
A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.
-- Jay London

#Opportunity #Rocks #Window
I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.
-- Jay London

#Book #Fall #Loss
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights
-- Jay London

#Funny #Witty #Morning
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes
-- Jay London

#Funny #Dog #Witty
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings
-- Jay London

#Funny #Witty #Father
I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?
-- Jay London

#Doctors #Medical #Said
I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.
-- Jay London

#Clouds #People #Casting
His puppyhood was a period of foolish rebellion. He was always worsted, but he fought back because it was his nature to fight back. And he was unconquerable.
-- Jay London

#Dog #Fighting #Rebellion
I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.
-- Jay London

#Military #Training #Cockroaches
I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.
-- Jay London
I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.
-- Jay London

#Lonely #Hug #Tonight
I model irregular clothing.
-- Jay London

#Clothings #Models
I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.
-- Jay London

#Worry #Identity #Needs
You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart,
-- Jay London

#Guy #Might #Fourth
I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.
-- Jay London

#Nice #Home #Giving
After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride.
-- Jay London

#Pride #Years #Nicknames
My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.
-- Jay London

#Girlfriend #Personality #Fit
A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.
-- Jay London

#Jobs #Funny Work #Guy
I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.
-- Jay London

#Father #Blunt #Instruments
They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.
-- Jay London

#Adults #Euthanasia #Said
I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.
-- Jay London

#Worry #Nuclear #World
I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.
-- Jay London

#Girl #Weather #Dating
I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.
-- Jay London

#Drug #May #Causes
Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.
-- Jay London

#Today #Tomorrow
I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.
-- Jay London

#Hilarious

You may also like:

Chris Hardwick
Comedian
Dat Phan
Comedian
Dave Attell
Comedian
David Cross
Actor
Doug Benson
Comedian
Joe Rogan
Stand-up comedian
Kathleen Madigan
Comedian
Louis C. K.
Comedian
Marc Maron
Comedian
Michael Ian Black
Comedian
Mitch Hedberg
Comedian
Moon Unit Zappa
Actress
Patton Oswalt
Comedian
Sam Kinison
Comedian
Sarah Silverman
Comedian
Steven Wright
Comedian
Todd Barry
Stand-up comedian
Alonzo Bodden
Comedian
Gary Gulman
Stand-up comedian
Iliza Shlesinger
Comedian