Dave Attell famous quotes

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?
-- Dave Attell

#Dream #Doors #Two

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
-- Dave Attell

#Growing Up #Dad #Thinking

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.
-- Dave Attell

#Men #Fire #Certain

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
-- Dave Attell

#Dad #Hate #Causes

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
-- Dave Attell

#Funny Relationship

I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.
-- Dave Attell

#Comedy #Comic #Plus

I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
-- Dave Attell

#Guy #Tvs #Fit

The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. "Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait - don't run away!"
-- Dave Attell

#Funny #Running #Discovery

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
-- Dave Attell

#Lakes #Sea #Fishing

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
-- Dave Attell

#Teeth #Crystals #Helping

You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.
-- Dave Attell

#Alarms #Tongue #Ass

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!
-- Dave Attell

#School #Kids #People

I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
-- Dave Attell

#Ears #Soundtracks #Music Is

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.
-- Dave Attell

#Cuddling #Lines #Fine

My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
-- Dave Attell

#Jobs #Thinking #Comedy

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?
-- Dave Attell

#Fun #Thinking #Good Times

There's a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on, ... I've heard good stories about (Syracuse); this is a very good party town, a good drinking place. I definitely would like to come back and check it out further. Do some more research, as I call it.
-- Dave Attell

#Party #Drinking #Night

I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.
-- Dave Attell

#Running #Thinking #Sitting

This one guy, the worse guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just cant go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money .... "Ta--da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?
-- Dave Attell

#Hurt #Hate #Stupid

If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.
-- Dave Attell

#Kids #Names #Giving

Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
-- Dave Attell

#Laughter #Boys #Breathing

Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I'll tell you why: it's cuz of that one sick man, and it's up to me and a half-mexican to stop him.
-- Dave Attell

#Sex #Animal #Men

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.
-- Dave Attell

#Native American #Kids #Pardon Me

I never wanted to be famous.
-- Dave Attell

#Wanted

Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
-- Dave Attell

#Joyce #Great Writers

For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.
-- Dave Attell

#Tattoo #Long #People

Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
-- Dave Attell

#Fighting

I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.
-- Dave Attell

#Laughing #Mind #Crowds

I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.
-- Dave Attell

#Stuff #Soundtracks

I'm not really a music guy.
-- Dave Attell

#Guy

Being on the road is kind of lonely.
-- Dave Attell

#Lonely #Kind

I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
-- Dave Attell

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
-- Dave Attell

#Tvs

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.
-- Dave Attell

#Writing #Comic #Jokes

I'm not like a performer type.
-- Dave Attell

#Type #Performers

I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.
-- Dave Attell

#Stars #Thinking

I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
-- Dave Attell

#Funny #Girlfriend #Discovery

I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.
-- Dave Attell

#Light #Trying #Sometimes

Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
-- Dave Attell

#Beautiful #Sex #Confused

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.
-- Dave Attell

#Ejaculation #Fancy #Mature

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
-- Dave Attell

#Reality #Imagination #Life Is

Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us.
-- Dave Attell

#Sex #Animal #People

I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.
-- Dave Attell

#People #Television #Shows

I don't watch reality TV.
-- Dave Attell

#Reality #Watches #Tvs

I have no grand scheme.
-- Dave Attell

#Schemes

Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.
-- Dave Attell

#Thinking #Drunk #Behind You

Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
-- Dave Attell

#Cousin #Gay #Fireworks

A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.
-- Dave Attell

#Kids #Thinking #Want

Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? 'Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!'
-- Dave Attell

#Sex #Funny Relationship #Thinking