Lewis Black famous quotes

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'
-- Lewis Black

#Running #President #Republican

None of this seems to affect the leadership, that people don't go out to vote, that they don't feel the need to go vote, that they already feel disenfranchised. It's not just Obama's fault or Clinton's or whomever's, it's all of them, the whole collection of clowns I've had to sit through.
-- Lewis Black

#People #Needs #Faults

Elected officials shouldn't get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.
-- Lewis Black

#Elected Officials

I think you have to [vote] and the reason you have to go vote is an important one, and that is because the day you vote is the day that you will feel the most ineffectual you will feel all year.
-- Lewis Black

#Thinking #Years #Important

Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share.
-- Lewis Black

#Socialism #Christianity #Share

The reason I like socialism is that it's kind of enforced Christianity. It's basically very Christian, in the sense of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." These people have nothing, so you have to share.
-- Lewis Black

#Christian #People #Kind

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.
-- Lewis Black

#Pork #Mouths #Too Much

I'd like the campaigning to be about all the things they're not going to do. Just tell me what you're not going do! Don't tell me what you're going to do. Just say "I'd really like to do solar energy but I'm not going to be able to. I really want to dig holes everywhere in the country but I really won't be able to do it because people seem to think that maybe my water will be screwed up."
-- Lewis Black

#Country #Thinking #People

Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ***** into it.
-- Lewis Black

#Funny #Christmas #Christian

A lot of the times I'm looking at something that I discover is part of a larger framework and not just a couple jokes. I see that it's a set, a story that I'll be telling. Sometimes I get lost in that.
-- Lewis Black

#Couple #Stories #Sometimes

Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness.
-- Lewis Black

#Country #Unique #Protection

Going up to Canada is great because I'm not dealing with people carrying their agendas into the room. I'm lucky because 97% of the people who come to the show know who they are dealing with, whether they are on the left or the right, we're sharing the same frustration.
-- Lewis Black

#Frustration #People #Lucky

All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew.
-- Lewis Black

#Comfort #Comfort Food

This is the thing I've never understood: If someone is going to hell for being gay or being a Jew or a Muslim or having an abortion, then what are you worried about? You don't need to try and convert these people or try and save them. If you really believe in your religion, these people are already doomed, so stop worrying about them.
-- Lewis Black

#Believe #Gay #People

When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.
-- Lewis Black

#Country #Water #Television

It's amazing what I could've written in my life if I had realized that I should keep writing and not masturbating.
-- Lewis Black

#Writing #Should

I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day.
-- Lewis Black

#Summer #Believe #Talking

I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don't have to show up to work until 14 hours later.
-- Lewis Black

#Morning #Drunk #Hours

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.
-- Lewis Black

#Believe #Years #Voting

The tortoise moves very slowly, it moves towards whatever the goal is, to keep a democratic capitalistic society functioning.
-- Lewis Black

#Moving #Goal #Tortoises

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
-- Lewis Black

#Funny #Candy Corn #Made

I have this insane optimistic streak that the American people prevail over the stupidity that the leadership exhibits time and time again, and I think that's the truth.
-- Lewis Black

#Optimistic #Thinking #People

You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.
-- Lewis Black

#Shenanigans #Wake Up #Goes On

A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'
-- Lewis Black

#Running #Dad #Father

It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!
-- Lewis Black

#Stupid #Men #Ozone

Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?
-- Lewis Black

#Atheist #Order #Brain

I really wanted to talk about the War on Terror and say that both sides were completely incompetent [in addressing it]. You can't blame the other side when you're involved in it.
-- Lewis Black

#War #Sides #Blame

You want to know what it's like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don't stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over.
-- Lewis Black

#Inspirational #Funny #Travel

I had an iPhone and a Droid and both of them were miserable pieces of equipment.
-- Lewis Black

#Iphone #Pieces #Miserable

The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over.
-- Lewis Black

#Halloween #America #Years

My hate of Apple has moved into a hate of Facebook.
-- Lewis Black

#Hate #Apples #Moved

Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.
-- Lewis Black

#Valentine #Holiday #Special

The Droid I had actually seemed to have free will, which I thought was interesting.
-- Lewis Black

#Interesting #Free Will

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.
-- Lewis Black

#Real #Reality #People

I hammer on a theme until I'm tired of it and the audience is tired of it.
-- Lewis Black

#Tired #Hammers #Theme

Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.
-- Lewis Black

#Hard Work #Writing #Thinking

If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular.
-- Lewis Black

#Abortion #Want #Rooms

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.
-- Lewis Black

#Coffee #Giving #Might

Every other civilized country has determined when life begins and it's something that eludes us. We've got things that have to be done! "We didn't fix that bridge because you are all down at the meeting house discussing abortion again."
-- Lewis Black

#Country #Bridges #House

Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know -- because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.
-- Lewis Black

#Beautiful #Would Be #Hours

How long can we go without real leadership? It's like an experiment. It's [a problem with ] both parties, it's beyond belief.
-- Lewis Black

#Real #Party #Long

Johnny Vassilaros is the man who has created the finest cup of coffee ever served in the city of New York.
-- Lewis Black

#New York #Coffee #Men

I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. No health insurance, so if something happened I was screwed. I was lucky my parents had money and my brother was willing to support me for a long time. Once I started doing standup, I had an income, and that was amazing to me.
-- Lewis Black

#Brother #Long #Support

The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really?
-- Lewis Black

#Care #Way #Belief

I've always been a social network retard, even before there was a social network. People would say, "You want to go to this party and do some networking?"
-- Lewis Black

#Party #People #Networking

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.
-- Lewis Black

#Believe #Mirrors #Work Out

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. So it's hard for me to come up with things, because I don't write stuff, I don't write my act down.
-- Lewis Black

#Writing #Stuff #Odd

And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.
-- Lewis Black

#Morning #Eye #Taught

In Canada I'm not dealing with people who are bringing in baggage, they just get it. But New Orleans will be a bit different. If there's a group of people who have a right to be bitter, it's the people of New Orleans.
-- Lewis Black

#New Orleans #People #Groups

My father painted, well into his 80s, what he called hard edge abstractions.It's really cool.
-- Lewis Black

#Father #Really Cool #Wells

There's a whole group of Christians who believe the individual is more important, but in the end I don't think that's what Christ was talking about.
-- Lewis Black

#Christian #Believe #Thinking

My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes
-- Lewis Black

#House #Clubs #Pancakes

The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless.
-- Lewis Black

#Thinking #Years #Republican

It's 2003. Why can't I teleport?
-- Lewis Black

#Progress

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!
-- Lewis Black

#People #Leader #Groups

These people [the Christians] watched the Flintstones as if it were a documentary.
-- Lewis Black

#Christian #People #Religion

If you really think there's a Santa, why don't you sit on the front steps all night in the freezing cold and see if he climbs down any chimneys tonight. Good luck. And since we're a family that isn't lucky enough to have a chimney, how would Santa get into our house? Does he bring a locksmith with him? And it probably would have to be a Jewish locksmith, because a Christian locksmith is going to want to be home with his family. And how many Jewish locksmiths are there? None.
-- Lewis Black

#Christian #Good Luck #Home

I don't Tweet a lot because I've Tweeted things that I thought were really innocuous about subjects that are inflammatory, and the response is so insane sometimes from people.
-- Lewis Black

#People #Insane #Sometimes

I don't buy the 'at 60 it's great to have kids' thing. I don't buy the line that has been thrown down - 'You can have a kid at any time.' That doesn't mean you should.
-- Lewis Black

#Mean #Kids #Lines

Is a BJ adultery? What? Did I miss a day of school? Of course it is! Oral sex is adultery like Curling is an Olympic sport. The only thing is, oral sex should be in the Olympics because it's much harder than Curling, and if you're good at it, you DESERVE a medal!
-- Lewis Black

#Sports #Sex #School

I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people.
-- Lewis Black

#Play #People #Bottles

I am angry that the Democrats don't have the ability to explain to Republicans that we should be able to feed people in this country, and that is not socialism.
-- Lewis Black

#Country #People #Able

Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular.
-- Lewis Black

#Blood #Pressure #Interviews

Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff.
-- Lewis Black

#Morning #New York #Optimistic

Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible; it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until it's done. And by the time you get it in, it's done and you're sitting there reading it, and you realize the 12,000 things you didn't do. I mean, writing isn't fun. It's never been fun.
-- Lewis Black

#Fun #Book #Reading

The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.
-- Lewis Black

#Valentine #Holiday #Years

Pursue whatever it is that you want to do with your life. It is the only secret to happiness that I know except for maybe true love, that and maybe having the amazing health insurance plan that our congressmen have.
-- Lewis Black

#Graduation #Secret #Want

Glenn Beck has Nazi Tourettes'.
-- Lewis Black

#Politics #Nazi #Tourettes

There is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bllodeshot eye.
-- Lewis Black

#Morning #Eye

Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler.
-- Lewis Black

#Mother #Mustache #Teresa

Since there are so many idiots out there, you may actually start to think you're crazy. You are not. They are idiots.
-- Lewis Black

#Crazy #Thinking #May

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!
-- Lewis Black

#Mtv #Kfc #Chickens

This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole.
-- Lewis Black

#Lying #Waiting #President

I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went, 'Wow, it's not me!'
-- Lewis Black

#Home #Nuts #Two

Turns out we've been eating the wrong things...since the dawn of civilisation
-- Lewis Black

#Dawn #Eating #Turns

If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.
-- Lewis Black

#Horse #College #Years

In a series of wonderful essays, Evan Handler gives himself up to us - warts and all. To our amusement and bemusement we share in his emotional growth as he struggles to mature. I not only laughed along with him but felt that I too had grown a little along the way. Who could ask for more?
-- Lewis Black

#Struggle #Emotional #Giving

Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!
-- Lewis Black

#Should #Wells

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.
-- Lewis Black

#Funny Things #Upset #Matter

Just relax and breathe through your ass.
-- Lewis Black

#Relax #Ass #Breathe

The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling "The British are coming! The British are coming!"
-- Lewis Black

#Yelling #Car #Towns

If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they're showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You're better off coming back as a lobster.
-- Lewis Black

#Song #Home #Mtv

Earth Day was created because we were doing a lot of drugs, more drugs than you could ever f@*! imagine. And so we came up with Earth Day, so we'd have one day that would remind us what planet we were living on.
-- Lewis Black

#Earth Day #Drug #One Day

Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes.
-- Lewis Black

#Unique #Different #Snowflake

It's great that we're bringing democracy to Iraq. I can't wait to see how we do it! What are we gonna do, give them our civics textbooks?
-- Lewis Black

#Iraq #Giving #Waiting

I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast.
-- Lewis Black

#Talking #People #Littles

As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.
-- Lewis Black

#Psychotic #Comic

Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.
-- Lewis Black

#Creepy #Sneaky #Nancy

Everybody's got cable.
-- Lewis Black

Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight.
-- Lewis Black

#Sky #Clouds #Sight

I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic.
-- Lewis Black

#Thinking #Panic #Folks

People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single.
-- Lewis Black

#Being Single #People #Would Be

Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.
-- Lewis Black

#Christmas #Online

My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.
-- Lewis Black

#Touring

Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.
-- Lewis Black

#Yelling #Stage