Doug Stanhope famous quotes

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Two #People #Drug

The only way I thought I could do a greatest hits album is to do it in a prison where they have no f**king idea who I am. I'd do what I consider the best of those old, early CDs before I did DVDs. A women's prison would be even better, but it has to be English-speaking.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Kings #Dvds #Who I Am

You never hear in the news, 'Two hundred killed today when atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the agnostic stronghold in the north.'
-- Doug Stanhope

#Atheist #Two #Rebel

There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Car #House #Drug

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Funny #Addiction #Enjoy

I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, "Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!"
-- Doug Stanhope

#Party #Men #Garden

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Children #Parent #Language

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?
-- Doug Stanhope

#Beer #People #Firsts

Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain ***** who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Winning #Laughing #Mind

[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Tools #Actors #Might

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Funny #Beautiful #Baby

I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Running #Topics #Towns

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Funny #Running #Sex

"Close your mouth when you chew." That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Mother #Wind #Lunch

Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Drinking #Games #Play

"This is Lakshmi Singh." It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Dying #Tadpoles #Mouths

Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met
-- Doug Stanhope

#Hate #Pride #Race

When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Littles #Arizona #Towns

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Depression #Life Is Like #Half

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Thinking #Get Better #Wake Up

The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't really need to be known anymore than I am. The slight sliver of fame I do have is hard to deal with. If I was actually well-known - I don't even know what to say to people who are at my show when I walk into the venue, much less having waitresses in diners asking for my autograph.
-- Doug Stanhope

#People #Acting #Hollywood

One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Mean #Perfect #Paper

If I say ***** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Government #Drug #Said

I don't like being in the UK for every other reason aside from the show. It's aesthetically uncomfortable to me on almost every level for reasons that might sound petty but I can't get past. The audiences are far more challenging and while I wouldn't say I prefer it, I certainly need it to ward off my inherent laziness.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Past #Challenges #Sound

Controversial issues are always more interesting but I don't create material about a subject I have opinion on just because it's controversial. The most fun is having a point of view that the audience is generally against and presenting an argument that challenges their thinking.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Fun #Thinking #Views

I'm in a perfect position. I don't want to be more famous and I can't lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Perfect #Say Anything #Want

I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Thinking #People #Wonder

People want an idol. They want royalty. They don't want a public servant. Hell no. They want someone to clap for and go, "Oh, he touched my hand at the rally!"
-- Doug Stanhope

#Hands #Idols #People

I'm not a ***** user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Marijuana #Thinking #People

I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Believe #Want #Comedy

The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Progressive #Institutions

The Internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Comedian #Done #Clubs

Theres a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue, when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Night #Years #Roots

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Athletic #Musical #Attention

Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, Im not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Taken #Racism #Might

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Laughing #Should #Humour

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Fun

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Jobs #Real #Party

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?
-- Doug Stanhope

#Believe #Bliss

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Funny #Comedy #Aids

Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.
-- Doug Stanhope

There's times to be dainty and times to be a pig.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Pigs #Dainty

Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD
-- Doug Stanhope

#Color #Mushrooms #Bags

I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Hate #Drinking #Keys

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
-- Doug Stanhope

#People #Mediocre #Intellect

AA makes Scientology look credible,
-- Doug Stanhope

#Looks #Scientology

I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!
-- Doug Stanhope

#Drinking #Axes #Games

Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Drinking #Sick #Alcohol

Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Animal #Life Is Like #Life Is

Tradition and heritage are all dead peoples baggage. Stop carrying it. Move forward.
-- Doug Stanhope

#Moving #Heritage #Baggage