Les Dawson famous quotes

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
-- Les Dawson

#Sex #Wife #My Wife

Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
-- Les Dawson

#Mother #Angel #Beer

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.
-- Les Dawson

#Long #Mind #Self Improvement

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.
-- Les Dawson

#Mother #Law #Traps

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.
-- Les Dawson

#Love Is #Giving #And Love

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
-- Les Dawson

#Funny #Life #Hilarious

I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
-- Les Dawson

#Teacher #School #Nerves

Everyone has a family tree; the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.
-- Les Dawson

#Family #Tree #Weeping Willows

I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.
-- Les Dawson

#Funny #Travel #Prayer

A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.
-- Les Dawson

#Growing Up #Squares #Wind

The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.
-- Les Dawson

#Mother #Oil #Law

My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.
-- Les Dawson

#Mother #Exercise #Law

He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.
-- Les Dawson

#Sex #Ambition #Practicals

I was sat at the bottom of the garden a week ago, smoking a reflective cheroot, thinking about this and that - mostly that, and I just happened to glance at the night sky and I marvelled at the millions of stars glistening like pieces of quicksilver thrown carelessly onto black velvet. In awe I watched the waxen moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an amber chariot towards the void of infinite space wherein the tethered bolts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever in their orbital majesty; and as I looked at all this, I thought, 'I must put a roof on this lavatory.
-- Les Dawson

#Stars #Moon #Night

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
-- Les Dawson

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.
-- Les Dawson

#Wife #Thank God #Hissing

I know my name will always be linked with women.
-- Les Dawson

#Names

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.
-- Les Dawson

#Salt #Dictionary #Lad

My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.
-- Les Dawson

#Mother #Wrinkles #Law

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.
-- Les Dawson

#Mother #Hands #Law

Slumps don't bother me.
-- Les Dawson

#Slumps #Bother

Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
-- Les Dawson

#Wife #Ugly #Horror

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.
-- Les Dawson

#Blood #Giving #Wife

The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.
-- Les Dawson

#Mother #Sea #Wife

I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.
-- Les Dawson

#Mother #Breathing #Law

The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.
-- Les Dawson

#Mother #Law #Centre

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'
-- Les Dawson

#Mother #Moving #Law

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
-- Les Dawson

#Mother #Rain #Home

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.
-- Les Dawson

#Mother #Law #Wish

The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
-- Les Dawson

#Rising #Way #Lasts

In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
-- Les Dawson

#Moon #Space #Heaven

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
-- Les Dawson

#Funny #Mother #Humorous

Despite the fact that feminists say they're not getting a fair deal, women are still very powerful.
-- Les Dawson

#Powerful #Feminist #Facts

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.
-- Les Dawson

#Latin #Ideas #Tunes

Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.
-- Les Dawson

#Tunnels #Funny Things #Wife

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.
-- Les Dawson

#Witty #Doctors #Wind

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.
-- Les Dawson

#Marriage #Couple #Institutions

With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
-- Les Dawson

#Clever #Men #Thinking

I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
-- Les Dawson

#Mother #Law #Funeral

I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
-- Les Dawson

#Shields #Red #Faces

I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
-- Les Dawson

#Kids #Wife

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
-- Les Dawson

#Christmas #Mother #Running

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
-- Les Dawson

#Mother #Birth #Certificates

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.
-- Les Dawson

#Sleep #Doctors #Wife