Tommy Cooper famous quotes

Last updated: Sep 5, 2024

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
-- Tommy Cooper

#Shopping #Today #Four
I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure
-- Tommy Cooper

#Funny #Indecisive #Used
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
-- Tommy Cooper

#Lunch #Very Happy
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
-- Tommy Cooper

#Funny #Drinking #Kids
I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!
-- Tommy Cooper

#Scotch #Three #Whiskey
A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.
-- Tommy Cooper

#Blow #Bags #Hot
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
-- Tommy Cooper

#Funny #Motivation #Humorous
Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
-- Tommy Cooper

#Funny #Night #Gone
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
-- Tommy Cooper

#Funny #Dog #Assistants
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldnâ€™t find any.
-- Tommy Cooper

#Camouflage
I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.
-- Tommy Cooper

#Violin #Painting #Made
I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.
-- Tommy Cooper

#Beer #Lost #Whisky
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".
-- Tommy Cooper

#Book #Library #Legs
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
-- Tommy Cooper

#People #Down And #Comedy
A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
-- Tommy Cooper

#Funny #Crazy #Silly
I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
-- Tommy Cooper

#Funny #Dog #Dentist
Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.â€Â â€œWell you can't say fairer than that then
-- Tommy Cooper

#Doctors #Wells
I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
-- Tommy Cooper

#Cheesy #Kitchen #Legs
My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.
-- Tommy Cooper

#Night #Wife #Car
A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.
-- Tommy Cooper

#Men #Iron #Ouch
Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
-- Tommy Cooper

#Wife #Funny Marriage #Toilets
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
-- Tommy Cooper

#House #Stopping #Want
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
-- Tommy Cooper

#Funny #Humorous #Library
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
-- Tommy Cooper

#Monday #Doctors #Wind

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