Tim Vine famous quotes

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.
-- Tim Vine

#Dust #Collecting #Hoover

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
-- Tim Vine

#Car #Parks #Different

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
-- Tim Vine

#Sun #Tanning #Olympics

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes
-- Tim Vine

#Eye #Site #Sore Eyes

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
-- Tim Vine

#Reading #Book #Glue

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
-- Tim Vine

#Funny #Oysters #Giving

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
-- Tim Vine

#Holiday #Once In A Lifetime #Lifetime

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
-- Tim Vine

#Swimming #Baths #Calling

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
-- Tim Vine

#Vines #Cabinets #Unusual

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
-- Tim Vine

#Silly #People #Effort

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke
-- Tim Vine

#Silly #Laughing #People

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'
-- Tim Vine

#Tuesday #Splits #Said

My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him, ‘Don’t be Sicily’.
-- Tim Vine

#Party #Italian #Islands

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
-- Tim Vine

#Horse #Dark #Black

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.
-- Tim Vine

#Funny #Pieces #Rooms

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.
-- Tim Vine

#Ducks #Chinese #Red

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.
-- Tim Vine

#Pun

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
-- Tim Vine

#Brother #Dad #Father

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.
-- Tim Vine

#House #Firsts #Chimneys

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.
-- Tim Vine

#Metaphor #Simile

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
-- Tim Vine

#Home #Voice #Phones

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
-- Tim Vine

#Past #Sea #Meat

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
-- Tim Vine

#Trying #Suitcases #Packs

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
-- Tim Vine

#Hunting #Night #Saboteurs

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
-- Tim Vine

#Couple #Blow #Tricks

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
-- Tim Vine

#Style #Different #Comedy

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.
-- Tim Vine

#Acting #Bonus

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
-- Tim Vine

#Narrative #Stories #One Liner

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
-- Tim Vine

#Garden #Thinking #People

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
-- Tim Vine

#Wall #Teenager #House

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
-- Tim Vine

#Dishes #Butlers

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
-- Tim Vine

#Stars #Mean #Rocks

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
-- Tim Vine

#Coffee #Writing #Thinking

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.
-- Tim Vine

#Dvds #Psychiatrist

For one thing, I don't pun excessively in real life.
-- Tim Vine

#Real #Real Life #Pun

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
-- Tim Vine

#Writing #Important #Able

Velcro: what a rip-off.
-- Tim Vine

#Rip #Velcro

One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.
-- Tim Vine

#Dad #Son #Years