Milton Jones famous quotes

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
-- Milton Jones

#Dog #Tunnels #Fire

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better
-- Milton Jones

#Funny #Believe #Aunt

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.
-- Milton Jones

#Funny #Running #Men

Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.
-- Milton Jones

#Funny #Choices #Trying

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
-- Milton Jones

#Funny #Girl #Real

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.
-- Milton Jones

#Funny #Police #Comedy

If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.
-- Milton Jones

#Half #Firsts #Germany

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.
-- Milton Jones

#Funny #Humor #Air

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.
-- Milton Jones

#Funny #Book #Humor

Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.
-- Milton Jones

#Funny #Humor #Corners

The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.
-- Milton Jones

#Funny #Jobs #Humor

I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.
-- Milton Jones

#Funny #Running #Hate

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.
-- Milton Jones

#Funny #Children #Humor

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.
-- Milton Jones

#Funny #Spiritual #Humor

It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.
-- Milton Jones

#Funny #Humor #Mosques

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.
-- Milton Jones

#Funny #Humor #Thinking

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.
-- Milton Jones

#Funny #Humor #Animal

My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.
-- Milton Jones

#Funny #Humor #Sacrifice

Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.
-- Milton Jones

#Funny #Humor #Feminist

When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.
-- Milton Jones

#Funny #Daughter #Humor

I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
-- Milton Jones

#Funny #Humor #Black

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.
-- Milton Jones

#Funny #Humor #Grandfather

The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.
-- Milton Jones

#Funny #Jobs #Humor

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
-- Milton Jones

#Funny #Humor #Wife

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.
-- Milton Jones

#Funny #Humor #Thinking

A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!
-- Milton Jones

#Funny #Humor #Cat

I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!
-- Milton Jones

#Funny #Humor #Doctors