Michael McIntyre famous quotes

Last updated: Sep 5, 2024

My wife and I both made a list of 5 people we could sleep with...she read hers out and there were no surprises...1 George Clooney...2 Brad Pitt etc...I thought 'Ive got the better deal here'...1 Your sister
-- Michael McIntyre

#Witty #Sleep #Wife
I've got a little baby, I made him...He doesn't speak, he's 2...He's a slow learner, he's only got 2 words...car and map...I'm slightly worried he's trying to escape. If his next word is passport we are in serious trouble!
-- Michael McIntyre

#Baby #Witty #Car
Normally you have news, weather and travel.....but not on snow day, on snow day news is weather is travel.
-- Michael McIntyre

#Witty #Weather #Snow
They had to ask spain I think, they've had to say to Spain, can you lend us some stuff for the roads, and it's Gordon Brown phoning up going 'pass the salt'
-- Michael McIntyre

#Witty #Thinking #Stuff
So you're mother? Nice to put a name to a face.
-- Michael McIntyre

#Mother #Witty #Nice
I'm glad Carol Vorderman has left Countdown, I mean it's not like she did much. She was effectively just an autistic shelf-stacker.
-- Michael McIntyre

#Witty #Mean #Shelves
There are only two conditions where youâ€™re allowed to wake up a woman on a lie-in: itâ€™s snowing or the death of a celebrity.
-- Michael McIntyre

#Lying #Two #Snow

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Dreams are not those which comes while we are sleeping, but dreams are those when u don't sleep before fulfilling them.
Why bother with Google when I have a wife who knows everything about everything!
It drives me nuts how I rely on my wife for everything. I can't imagine a day without her!
On every birthday, I ask my wife, 'What would you like this year?' and her instant reply is, 'Diamonds! Diamonds! Diamonds!' I'm always living in hope that one day she'll say she just wants me!

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