Funny Marriage famous quotes
03-24-2025
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The critical period of matrimony is breakfast-time.
-- A. P. Herbert -
The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents - 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, 'Pop, 35 years - what do you hope for?' He's like, 'I hope you die first.'
-- Adam Ferrara -
My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you - I hope she meets somebody nice.
-- Adam Ferrara -
It is best for ordinary men to have only one wife !
-- Akbar -
The ideal husband understands every word his wife doesn't say.
-- Alfred Hitchcock -
One's fantasy goes for a walk and returns with a bride.
-- Bernard Malamud -
An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring... I ought to know.
-- Bette Davis -
Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.
-- Bob Hope -
I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
-- Bob Monkhouse -
Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
-- Bob Monkhouse -
I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
-- Bob Monkhouse -
I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can't be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn't happened. But weddings always make me cry.
-- Brendan Behan -
Equal partnerships are not made in heaven-they are made on earth, one choice at a time, one conversation at a time, one threshold crossing at a time.
-- Bruce C. Hafen -
The most important single thing that any Latter-day Saint ever does in this world is to marry the right person, in the right place, by the right authority.
-- Bruce R. McConkie -
It is now well known, however, that men enter local politics solely as a result of being unhappily married.
-- C. Northcote Parkinson -
Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there.
-- Carol Leifer -
What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series.
-- Dave Barry -
Tomorrow, Trubshawe, I am going to get married again, thereby quite possibly making the greatest mistake of my life.
-- David Niven -
And no bathroom on earth will make up for marrying a bearded man you hate.
-- Dodie Smith -
The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.
-- Dorothy Parker -
You kissed me like that when I was a blushing bride ...? I wonder what I was blushing about?
-- Gracie Allen -
Lust is the sin that gets me excited. Luckily, because I'm married, I also get really good jewelry out of it.
-- Heather Locklear -
Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion's joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion
-- Henry B. Eyring -
Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
-- Jeff Foxworthy -
God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.
-- Jim Norton -
Marriage is like pleading guilty to an indefinite sentence. Without parole.
-- John Mortimer -
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
-- Johnny Carson -
Why can't women tell jokes? Because we marry them!
-- Kathy Lette -
Marriage is great. It'll calm you down - that and neutering.
-- Kevin Nealon -
If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.
-- Kin Hubbard -
Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.
-- Kristen Schaal -
We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.
-- Mort Sahl -
Neither of us entered marriage thinking it wouldn't be a strain. Life has strains in it, and he's the person I want to strain with.
-- Patricia Arquette -
Sex in marriage is like medicine. Three times a day for the first week. Then once a day for another week. Then once every three or four days till the condition clears up.
-- Peter De Vries -
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
-- Red Skelton -
She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
-- Red Skelton -
The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.
-- Rick Reilly -
There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will.
-- Robert Frost -
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.'
-- Robin Williams -
If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.
-- Sam Kinison -
Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.
-- Shelley Winters -
If he's getting married, he's not longer interesting.
-- Sidonie Gabrielle Colette -
If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.
-- Sigmund Freud -
If Marilyn is in love with my husband it proves she has good taste, for I am in love with him too.
-- Simone Signoret -
We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities.
-- Thomas Mann -
Marriage - as its veterans know well - is the continuous process of getting used to things you hadn't expected.
-- Thomas Mullen -
Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
-- Tommy Cooper -
Marriage is a very good thing, but I think it's a mistake to make a habit out of it.
-- W. Somerset Maugham -
I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.
-- Wendy Liebman -
There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third?' he replied 'One's absurd! and bigamy, sir, is a crime!'
-- William Cosmo Monkhouse -
The Equal Rights Amendment would "turn holy wedlock into holy deadlock."
-- William Rehnquist -
Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.
-- Woody Allen -
She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.
-- Chic Murray -
I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.
-- Rodney Carrington -
I have trouble saying hu ... hu ... husband.
-- Rosanna Arquette
