Elayne Boosler famous quotes

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Men #Solitude #Want

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Shopping

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'
-- Elayne Boosler

#Funny #Military #Fighting

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Funny #Life #Hilarious

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Mother #Jesus #Resurrection

You know you are in love when you are willing to share your cash-machine number.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Funny Love #Numbers #Machines

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Keys #Silence #Comedy

There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.
-- Elayne Boosler

#School #Differences #Catholic

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Funny #Inspiring #Women

I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Artist #People #Genius

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Sports #Hunting #Needs

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Biblical #Men #Years

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Funny #Witty #Clever

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Dog #Fashion #Philosophy

My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Brother #Love You #Gay

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Depression #Country #Depressing

I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Dog #Art #America

I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live?
-- Elayne Boosler

#Basketball #Years #Games

I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Jobs #Kids #Choices

I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Clubs #Theater #Masons

I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Opportunity #Issues #Equal

I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Running #Cities #Way

For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Mean #Men #Milk

I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Thinking #Clothes #Want

I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.'
-- Elayne Boosler

#Dog #Beach #Husband

I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Cute #Animal #People

Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Years #Sweaters #Creating

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?
-- Elayne Boosler

#Giving #Hiv #Television

I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Sleep #Years #Fake

Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Home #Writing #Night

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?
-- Elayne Boosler

#Funny #Witty #Women

I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'
-- Elayne Boosler

#Order #Keys #Car

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Inspirational #Funny #Women

As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.
-- Elayne Boosler

#New Year #Night #Years

I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Men #Thinking #Fans

Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or two.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Wall #Two #Force

Horse racing is waning in popularity.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Horse #Racing #Popularity

I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.
-- Elayne Boosler

#People #World #Want

I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Running #Extremely Funny #Said

I think when you take off that jacket and they see that ‘I LOVE GRANDMA’ T-shirt, they’re going to rip your heart out.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Rip #Grandma #Heart

A man who was loved by 300 woman singled me out to live with him. Why? I was the only one without a cat.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Love #Cat #Men

The thing about breaking up when you get older, you just don't have the steam anymore. "Oh, that's it. I can't start shaving my legs above the knee again."
-- Elayne Boosler

#Heartache #Legs #Knees

Why isn't the movie industry forced to open its shooting locations to an organization that is there to advocate for animal actors? The industry isn't allowed to pick and choose which movies using young children it will or won't allow to be monitored. The vulnerable should be protected.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Children #Animal #Organization

Wouldn't it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, 'Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub.'
-- Elayne Boosler

#Party #Animal #Credit

Laundry's easier when you live alone. Fifteen minutes before a date, put 'em on, dry 'em with a hair blower.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Inspirational #Hair #Ems

People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Baby #Funny Inspirational #People

Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have bullfighting.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Sports #Blood #America

Real comedy can't be learned; it comes from a need for justice. The best who stand up, stand up for something.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Real #Justice #Needs

People want sex education out of the schools. They believe sex education causes promiscuity. Hey, I took algebra, but I never do math.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Sex #Believe #School

President Reagan is a lot like E.T. He's cute, he's lovable, and he knows nothing about how Americans live.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Cute #President #Lovable

What do hookers do on their nights off, type?
-- Elayne Boosler

#Night #Type

My mother always said you could eat off her floor; you could eat of my floor too, there's so much food down there.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Mother #Said

Men in power always seem to get involved in sex scandals, but women don't even have a word for 'male bimbo.' Except maybe 'senator.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Sex #Men #Males

I read books that say if you want to keep sex hot you tell a person what you want. How do you tell 'em you want somebody else?
-- Elayne Boosler

#Sex #Book #Hot

Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Men #Expectations #Done

I love my parents and they're wonderful people, but they were strict, and I still look for ways to get even. When I got my own apartment for the very first time and they came to stay with me for the weekend, I made them stay in separate bedrooms.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Weekend #People #Parent

While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their own throats; they keep reducing space for the one feature that attracts new young readers in the first place; the comic strips.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Cutting #Editors #Space

When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Country #Jobs #Stars

When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying.
-- Elayne Boosler

#New Year #Memories #Vegas

Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone.
-- Elayne Boosler

#New Year #Winning #Phones

A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Years #Long #Pages

I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Intelligent #News #Pages

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Women #Littles #Spots

Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Teenager #Turkeys #Names

There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Comedian #Bombs #Casinos

The message of great art is to disturb.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Art #Messages #Great Art

Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Reading #How You Feel #Topics

San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Fun #San Francisco #People

Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Dog #Pigs #Congress

My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Religious #My Family #Non Religious

I've never been able to write for stand-up.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Writing #Able

Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.'
-- Elayne Boosler

#Morning #Guy #Wake Up

I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Ideas #America #Weight

I deliver very traditionally, and people aren't threatened. I think if I cursed or seemed wilder, I couldn't get away with the amount of very opinionated politics I get away with.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Thinking #People #Get Away

We've seen the uproars around the world concerning cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammad. Anyone who does not think comic strips are relevant never had a fatwa put on him/her for drawing a picture.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Thinking #Drawing #Cartoon

Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Couple #Two #Speech

My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Gun #Thinking #America

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Cities #Comedian #East

Incredibly, almost every hotel I ever played in Vegas was blown up shortly afterward: The Dunes, The Sands, The Landmark, The Aladdin, The Frontier, The Hacienda, The Stardust - all were imploded.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Vegas #Stardust #Sand

I personally cannot tell you how many times we rescuers put our names on animals to come to us as soon as they are eligible for release, only to find they have been senselessly killed by overzealous pound workers.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Animal #Names #Pounds

I never minded flying cheap. I always said to myself, 'Taking this flight saves enough money to rescue four dogs, or six cats, or will let me make a difference to the one woman saving chimps in Cameroon.'
-- Elayne Boosler

#Dog #Cat #Differences

I love being down at Occupy Wall Street. The sincerity, the youth involvement, the desire for better, is palpable and moving. There is true caring, sharing, and refreshingly naive hope.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Wall #Moving #Caring

I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Real #Choices #Risk

For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper.
-- Elayne Boosler

#Comedy #Newspapers #Minutes