Rodney Dangerfield Quotes:

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

source: - "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Funny, Pregnancy, Moving, Funny Jokes, Funny Kid

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

source: - "Rodney Dangerfield: What I've Learned" by Cal Fussman, www.esquire.com. January 29, 2007.

Topics: Mouths, Ugly, Sticks

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.

source: - Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.22, Zondervan

Topics: Men, Guy, Wish

I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'

Topics: Wife, Lovers, Scales

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

Topics: Funny, Morning, Sex, Briefcases

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Topics: Funny, Beauty, Crazy, Black Humor, Ugly Man

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

Topics: Funny Relationship, Wine, Men

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

Topics: Funny, Clever, Smart, Bartender

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

source: - "Laugh Off: The Comedy Showdown Between Real Life and the Pros". Book by Bob Fenster, 2005.

Topics: Funny, Hate, Humorous, Funny Comedian

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

Topics: Respect, Doctors, Needs, Vasectomy

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

source: - "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Funny, Science, Parent

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

Topics: Kids, Someday, Said, Hernias

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

source: - Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.88, Zondervan

Topics: Drinking, Doctors, Mirrors, Great Drinking

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Topics: Funny, Marriage, Hilarious, Marriage Humor, Funny Sarcastic

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Topics: Funny, Marriage, Hilarious, Plumber, Bartending

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

source: - Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.178, Zondervan

Topics: Thinking, Doctors, Wife, Penicillin

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

Topics: Wife, Dating, Making Love

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

Topics: Dog, Play, Parent, Pork Chops

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

Topics: Airports, Lucky, Ships

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

Topics: Funny, Humor, Men, Ice Skating

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

Topics: Respect, Dark, Army

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

Topics: Dog, Play, Wife

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

source: - "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Party, Drinking, Beer, Drank, Drinking Alcohol

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Topics: Funny, Girl, Home, Funny Dating

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Wife, Meatloaf, Glow In The Dark

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

Topics: Funny, Morning, Humor, Throwing Up, Eyesight

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Topics: Beauty, Mother, Doctors

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

Topics: Funny, Suicide, Humor

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Topics: Funny, Humor, Wife, License Plate

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

source: - "Rodney Dangerfield" by Ronald Bergan, www.theguardian.com. October 6, 2004.

Topics: Love, Funny, Life, Marriage Jokes, Witty Marriage

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

Topics: Girl, Men, Dating, Ugly Man

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

Topics: Thinking, People, Idiot

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

Topics: Respect, Men, Stranger, Head Start

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

Topics: Dental Floss, Wife, Kitchen, Dental

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

Topics: Two, Numbers, Trying

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

Topics: Teacher, Son, Rivers

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Kids

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

source: - "Rodney Dangerfield: What I've Learned" by Cal Fussman, www.esquire.com. January 29, 2007.

Topics: Truth, Makeup, Men

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Window

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

source: - Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.64, Zondervan

Topics: Black And White, Rainbow, Poor

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.

Topics: Girl, Two, Blind, Blind Date

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

Topics: Uncles, Stupid, House

Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.

Topics: About Yourself

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

Topics: Funny, Hilarious, Witty

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

Topics: Fiction, Body, Shapes, Donate

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

Topics: Fire, Wife, Making Love

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

Topics: Funny, Humor, Thinking

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

source: - "Rodney Dangerfield: What I've Learned" by Cal Fussman, www.esquire.com. January 29, 2007.

Topics: Hair, Gray, Gray Hair

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Wife

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Topics: Funny, Relationship, Marriage

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

Topics: Funny, Humor, Night

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

Topics: Zoos, Kids, Men

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

Topics: Funny, Humor, Calendars, Insurance Companies

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

Topics: Funny, Good Morning, Humor, Mouse Traps

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

Topics: Morning, Laughing, Guy, Monday Morning

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

Topics: Wife, Bed, Opinion, Tell Your Wife

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

Topics: Sex, Two, Waiting

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

source: - Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.69, Zondervan

Topics: Sex, Bisexual, Years

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

Topics: Respect, Kids, No Friends, Hide And Seek

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.

Topics: Two, Guy, Radio

My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.

source: - "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Funny Love, Love You, Dark

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

Topics: Drug, Say No To Drugs, Ask Me

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

source: - Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.25, Zondervan

Topics: Children, Kids, Childhood

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Topics: Funny, Dad, Father, Funny Dad, Funny Father

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

source: - "It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect But Plenty of Sex and Drugs". Book by Rodney Dangerfield, p. 18, 2004.

Topics: Wife, Teeth, Dinner

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

Topics: Girl, Waiting, Way, Get A Girl

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

Topics: Funny, Home, Humor

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

Topics: Funny, Witty, Real, Cement

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

Topics: Funny, Dog, Humor, He Wants Me

...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

Topics: Wife, Naked, Bars, Surprise Me, Bartender

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

source: - Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.22, Zondervan

Topics: Zoos, Children, Kids

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

Topics: Funny, Reading, Humor, Pimples

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

Topics: Sex, Wife, Car

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

Topics: Doctors, Confusion, Looks

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Topics: Funny, Witty, Sex, Funny Sex, Funny Kitchen

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

Topics: Car, Radio

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

source: - "R.I.P. Rodney Dangerfield", www.indiewire.com. October 6, 2004.

Topics: Happy, Fathers Day, Dad, Kidnapped, Funny Father

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Headache

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Eye

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

Topics: Cheating, Thinking, Wife, Parrots, Cheating On Me

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

Topics: Respect, Flight, Dishes, Frills

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

Topics: Funny, Dog, Egypt

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.

source: - Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.143, Zondervan

Topics: Real, Golf, Games, Windmills

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

source: - Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.122, Zondervan

Topics: Laughing, Lasts, Firsts, Make You Laugh, Making People Laugh

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

source: - "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Sorry, Rain, People, Short People

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.

Topics: Funny, Life Is, Situation, Temporary Situations

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.

Topics: Cutting, Two, Wife, Two Guys

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

Topics: Scotch, Missing, Bottles

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

Topics: Funny, Sex, Humor

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

source: - Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.152, Zondervan

Topics: Self, Jerk, Neighbor, Love Thy Neighbor

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

source: - Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.28, Zondervan

Topics: Home, Lakes, Water

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

Topics: Horse, Gun, Gambling

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.

source: - "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Drinking, Juice, Viagra, Wordplay, Prunes

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

Topics: Sex, Pairs, My Favorite

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

Topics: Wife, Chocolate, Antlers, Chocolate Mousse

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

Topics: Night, House, Action

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

Topics: Suicide, Respect, Prevention

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Wife, Used Car

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

source: - Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.20, Zondervan

Topics: Fighting, Parent, Custody

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

Topics: Funny, Girl, Humor, Happy Girl

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

Topics: Baseball, Father, Play

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

Topics: Funny, Yellow, Ties, Dental

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

Topics: Beach, Believe, Men

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

source: - Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.61, Zondervan

Topics: Mean, Night, Getting Older

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Self, Self Service

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

Topics: Funny, Dog, Reading

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

Topics: Night, Muggers, Mask

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Kids

They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

source: - Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.37, Zondervan

Topics: Home, Night, Men, Surveys

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Topics: Funny, Good Morning, Mother, Morning Sickness

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

Topics: Doctors, Hammers, Balls

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

Topics: Funny, Teacher, School

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

source: - "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Funny, Witty, Humorous, Fat People, Funny Food

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

source: - Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.35, Zondervan

Topics: Funny, Family, Uncles, Funny Family, Electric Chair

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

Topics: Funny, Motivational, Comedy

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

Topics: Marriage, Dog, Couple, Young Wife

What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.

Topics: Dog, Years, Childhood, Dog Food

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

Topics: Funny, Girlfriend, Humor, Time Zones

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

Topics: Sex, Fighting, Thinking

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Topics: Funny, Sex, Humor

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

Topics: Girl, Dating, Guy

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Topics: Drinking, Sleep, Doctors, Sleeping Pills

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

Topics: Funny, Crazy, Home, Coney Island

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

Topics: Funny, Humor, Two, Anon

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

Topics: Funny, Humor, Suicidal

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

Topics: Jealousy, Wife, Calendars, Jealous And Envy, Jealousy And Envy

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

Topics: Funny, Clever, Smart

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

source: - Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.21, Zondervan

Topics: Ifs

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

source: - "Rodney Dangerfield: What I've Learned" by Cal Fussman, www.esquire.com. January 29, 2007.

Topics: Birthday, Baby, Baby Pictures

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Perfect, Tow

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

Topics: Funny, Mother, Humor

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

Topics: Funny, Mother, Sex

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

source: - "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Dog, Doors, Bedroom

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Cake, Birthday Cake

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

source: - Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.60, Zondervan

Topics: Guy, Getting Older, Sitting

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Lovers, Peeping, Booing

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Cat, Sandbox

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

Topics: Mean, Boys, Night

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

Topics: Funny, School, Humor

My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'

source: - "Rodney Dangerfield's It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime Of No Respect But Plenty Of Sex And Drugs" by Nathan Rabin, film.avclub.com. April 28, 2011.

Topics: Morning, Nice, Drinking, Ominous, Heaviness

When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.

source: - Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.19, Zondervan

Topics: Cancer, Kids, Men

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

Topics: Funny, Humor, Suicidal

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.

Topics: Sexy, School, High School

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Topics: Funny, Family, Witty, Genealogy

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

Topics: Believe, Hypochondriac

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

Topics: Funny, Uncles, Stupid, During The Civil War

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

Topics: Inspirational, Sexy, Home

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

source: - "Rodney Dangerfield's Famous One-Liners" by the Associated Press, www.foxnews.com. October 5, 2004.

Topics: Elevators, Basements, Operators

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

Topics: Funny, Girl, Food, Wild Girl, French Toast

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

source: - "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Camouflage, Comedy

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

Topics: Nice, Kissing, Giving, First Date, Goodnight Kiss

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Echoes, Belly Buttons

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

Topics: Tonight, Pops, Our Family

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

Topics: Respect, Switzerland, No Respect

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

Topics: Blood, Comedy

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.

Topics: Running, Care, Driving

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

Topics: Wife, Married, Found, One In A Million

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

Topics: Funny, Running, Witty

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Sunday

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

source: - Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.168, Zondervan

Topics: Mother, Names, Wife

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

Topics: Mother, Doctors, No Respect

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

Topics: Book, Making Love, Way, Traction

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .

Topics: Oil, People, Natural

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

Topics: Home, Mean, Kids, Sweatshirts, Hernias

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

source: - Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.81, Zondervan

Topics: Marriage, Sex, Humorous

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

Topics: People, Pet, Comedy

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

Topics: Love, Marriage, Thinking

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

Topics: Wife, Size, Receipts, Petite

My wife gives good headache.

Topics: Marriage, Giving, Wife

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

Topics: Son, Golf, Ankles

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Kids, Butchers, Parenthood Funny

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

Topics: Funny, Humor, Wife, Milkman, Butchers

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Two

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Topics: Dog, Pet, Arms

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

Topics: Cover Ups, Arms, Way, Bad Breath

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Eye

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

Topics: Funny, Cousin, School, Dissecting

I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.

source: - "Rodney Dangerfield: What I've Learned" by Cal Fussman, www.esquire.com. January 29, 2007.

Topics: Kids, Play, People, Show Respect, Greenwich

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

source: - Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.21, Zondervan

Topics: Men, Checks, Allowance

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

Topics: Stars, Night, Wife

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Wife

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

source: - "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Beach, Children, Parent

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

Topics: Problem, Appeals, Can Do

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

Topics: Kids, Dollars, Want

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

source: - Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.94, Zondervan

Topics: Funny, Sexy, Humor, Sexy Guy

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

Topics: Beautiful, Girl, Mets, Adieu

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

Topics: Sports, Fighting, Hockey, Inspirational Hockey, Motivational Hockey

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

Topics: Wife, Bed, Yeah

In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.

source: - Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.31, Zondervan

Topics: Funny, Football, School

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Four

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Wife

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

source: - "It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect But Plenty of Sex and Drugs". Book by Rodney Dangerfield, p. 4, 2004.

Topics: Suicidal, Kids, Cutting

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Ties

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.

source: - "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Lonely, Bottom, Lonely At The Top

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

source: - "R.I.P. Rodney Dangerfield". www.indiewire.com. October 6, 2004.

Topics: Funny, Girlfriend, Sex

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

source: - Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.83, Zondervan

Topics: Respect, Hands, Wife

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

Topics: Ugly, Faces, Sundials

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

Topics: Funny, Humor, Boys

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

source: - "Rodney Dangerfield: What I've Learned" by Cal Fussman, www.esquire.com. January 29, 2007.

Topics: Country, Men, Wife

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

Topics: Sex, Mirrors, Bottles