Rodney Dangerfield famous quotes

03-23-2025

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Funny #Pregnancy #Moving
You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Mouths #Ugly #Sticks
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Men #Guy #Wish
I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Wife #Lovers #Scales
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Funny #Morning #Sex
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Funny #Beauty #Crazy
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Funny Relationship #Wine #Men
Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Funny #Clever #Smart
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Funny #Hate #Humorous
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Respect #Doctors #Needs
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Funny #Science #Parent
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Kids #Someday #Said
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Drinking #Doctors #Mirrors
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Funny #Marriage #Hilarious
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Funny #Marriage #Hilarious
I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Thinking #Doctors #Wife
I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Wife #Dating #Making Love
I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Dog #Play #Parent
I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Airports #Lucky #Ships
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Funny #Humor #Men
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Respect #Dark #Army
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Dog #Play #Wife
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Party #Drinking #Beer
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Funny #Girl #Home
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Funny #Humor #Wife

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