Rodney Dangerfield famous quotes

Last updated: Sep 5, 2024

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Funny #Pregnancy #Moving
You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Mouths #Ugly #Sticks
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Men #Guy #Wish
I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Wife #Lovers #Scales
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Funny #Morning #Sex
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Funny #Beauty #Crazy
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Funny Relationship #Wine #Men
Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Funny #Clever #Smart
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Funny #Hate #Humorous
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Respect #Doctors #Needs
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Funny #Science #Parent
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Kids #Someday #Said
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Drinking #Doctors #Mirrors
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Funny #Marriage #Hilarious
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Funny #Marriage #Hilarious
I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Thinking #Doctors #Wife
I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Wife #Dating #Making Love
I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Dog #Play #Parent
I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Airports #Lucky #Ships
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Funny #Humor #Men
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Respect #Dark #Army
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Dog #Play #Wife
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Party #Drinking #Beer
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Funny #Girl #Home
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

#Funny #Humor #Wife

You may also like:

Andrew Dice Clay
Comedian
Bill Hicks
Comedian
Bill Murray
Actor
Bob Newhart
Stand-up comedian
Chevy Chase
Comedian
Don Rickles
Comedian
George Carlin
Comedian
Groucho Marx
Comedian
Harold Ramis
Actor
Henny Youngman
Comedian
John Candy
Actor
Johnny Carson
Host
Jonathan Brandis
Actor
Jonathan Winters
Comedian
Redd Foxx
Comedian
Richard Pryor
Comedian
Sally Kellerman
Actress
Sam Kinison
Comedian
Steve Martin
Actor
Ted Knight
Actor