Evan Esar famous quotes

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.
-- Evan Esar

#Money #Educational #Believe

Success is the good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration,and inspiration.
-- Evan Esar

#Inspirational #Motivational #Strength

Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.
-- Evan Esar

#Feelings #Mind #Mouths

Nothing ages your car as much as the sight of your neighbor's new one.
-- Evan Esar

#Sight #Car #Age

Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does.
-- Evan Esar

#Mother #Boys #Guilt

Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.
-- Evan Esar

#Science #Experts #Different

The mint makes it first, it is up to you to make it last.
-- Evan Esar

#Money #Lasts #Firsts

Walking isn't a lost art: one must, by some means, get to the garage.
-- Evan Esar

#Art #Mean #Lost

Some couples divorce because of a misunderstandin g; others, because they understand each other too well.
-- Evan Esar

#Couple #Divorce #Wells

Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings.
-- Evan Esar

#Zoos #Carpe Diem #Study

Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary.
-- Evan Esar

#Art #Vocabulary #Ideas

Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.
-- Evan Esar

#Family #Mother #Children

[A mathematician is a] scientist who can figure out anything except such simple things as squaring the circle and trisecting an angle.
-- Evan Esar

#Simple #Circles #Scientist

Compare what you want with what you have, and you'll be unhappy; compare what you deserve with what you have, and you'll be happy.
-- Evan Esar

#Perspective #Unhappy #What You Deserve

You are not fully dressed until you wear a smile.
-- Evan Esar

A husband is like a fire. He goes out when unattended.
-- Evan Esar

#Husband #Fire

The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.
-- Evan Esar

#Girl #Past #Men

The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.
-- Evan Esar

#Hilarious #Children #Believe

The car was invented as a convenient place to sit out traffic jams
-- Evan Esar

#Car #Jam #Traffic

Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it.
-- Evan Esar

#Inspirational #Home #Doe

Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose.
-- Evan Esar

#Character #Personality #Favourite

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.
-- Evan Esar

#Funny #Laughter #Silly

We can't do much about the length of our lives, but we can do plenty about it's width and depth.
-- Evan Esar

#Volunteer #Depth #Length

Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once.
-- Evan Esar

#Thinking #Insulting #Able

All men are created equal and endowed by their Creator with a mighty urge to become otherwise.
-- Evan Esar

#Equality #Men #Equal

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for the envious with erasers.
-- Evan Esar

#Envy #Watches #World

Man is the control experiment of heredity and environment; and since his heredity controls him, he tries to control his environment.
-- Evan Esar

#Men #Trying #Heredity

If it required some effort to go from today to tomorrow, some people would always remain in yesterday.
-- Evan Esar

#Yesterday #People #Effort

The man who doctors himself with the aid of medical books, runs the risk of dying of a typographical error.
-- Evan Esar

#Running #Book #Men

Sometimes the unexpected happens when you don't expect a person to come up to expectations.
-- Evan Esar

#Expectations #Unexpected #Sometimes

Do a little more every day than you are expected to do, and soon you will be expected to do more.
-- Evan Esar

#Expectations #Littles #Expected

Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry -- and the world laughs harder.
-- Evan Esar

#Laughter #Laughing #World

Many a man who goes to Las Vegas to get away from it all soon finds that Las Vegas gets it all away from him.
-- Evan Esar

#Men #Vegas #Las Vegas

The man who avoids debt doesn't have to worry about avoiding his creditors.
-- Evan Esar

#Men #Worry #Debt

Las Vegas is a resort whose two chief sources of income are seven and eleven.
-- Evan Esar

#Vegas #Two #Income

Adam and Eve were the first of all unions to defy management.
-- Evan Esar

#Unions #Firsts #Management

The state of the Union largely depends on the state of the unions.
-- Evan Esar

#Unions #States

Diets show to what great lengths women will go so as not to go to great widths.
-- Evan Esar

#Length #Shows

A husband may forget where he went on his honeymoon, but he never forgets why.
-- Evan Esar

#Husband #May #Never Forget

The honeymoon is the only period when a woman isn't trying to reform her husband.
-- Evan Esar

#Husband #Trying #Reform

An expert is someone who takes something you already know and makes it sound confusing.
-- Evan Esar

#Confusing #Sound #Experts

All men are born equal, but some of them outgrow it.
-- Evan Esar

#Equality #Men #Born

If you want to know how little your dignity is worth, take it to the pawnbroker.
-- Evan Esar

#Want #Littles #Dignity

There's nothing as short as short-term debt.
-- Evan Esar

#Debt #Term #Short Term

Some people worry because they are in debt; others, because they can't even get in.
-- Evan Esar

#People #Worry #Debt

Many a girl who can't dance well makes up for it during intermission.
-- Evan Esar

#Girl #Dance #Wells

The modern dance is no dance in the first place, and when you've finally learned it, it's not modern any more.
-- Evan Esar

#Dance #Firsts #Modern

A cynic sees little to admire in the world, while the world sees even less to admire in him.
-- Evan Esar

#World #Littles #Cynicism

Times change: it was once the custom to take a bath weekly and religion daily.
-- Evan Esar

#Baths

A bright eye indicates curiosity; a black eye, too much.
-- Evan Esar

#Eye #Black #Curiosity

A credit card is a convenient device that saves you the trouble of counting your change.
-- Evan Esar

#Cards #Credit #Trouble

Life is a battle of wits, and many people have to fight it unarmed.
-- Evan Esar

#Fighting #People #Battle

Washington is the place where nobody believes a rumor until it has been officially denied.
-- Evan Esar

#Believe #Rumor #Denial

The diamond is the hardest stone -- to get.
-- Evan Esar

#Stones #Diamond #Hardest

Under dictatorship, the people in prison are always superior to the people who put them there.
-- Evan Esar

#People #Prison #Dictatorship

There is nothing more dignified than a corpse.
-- Evan Esar

#Dignity

The difference between us and other people is that their money looks bigger and their troubles smaller.
-- Evan Esar

#Differences #People #Looks

The difference between two men is usually a woman.
-- Evan Esar

#Men #Two #Differences

If you want to be different nowadays, just act normal.
-- Evan Esar

#Differences #Different #Want

More diets start in dress shops than in doctors' offices.
-- Evan Esar

#Doctors #Office #Dresses

The trouble with dieting is that a pound of will power takes off only an ounce of weight.
-- Evan Esar

#Dieting #Weight #Pounds

Women diet to retain their girlish figures or their boyish husbands.
-- Evan Esar

#Husband #Boyish #Figures

Nowadays it's not who wears the pants in the family, but who carries the credit cards.
-- Evan Esar

#Cards #Credit #Pants

A dictator's chief problem is keeping the stomachs of his subjects full while keeping their heads empty.
-- Evan Esar

#Problem #Dictator #Empty

A batch of credit cards fattens a wallet before it thins it.
-- Evan Esar

#Cards #Credit #Wallets

If you can't bear to have your face stepped on, don't try to climb the ladder of success.
-- Evan Esar

#Trying #Your Face #Ladder Of Success

An epigram is the marriage of wit and wisdom; a wisecrack, their divorce.
-- Evan Esar

#Divorce #Wit #Wit And Wisdom

The disadvantage of becoming wise is that you realize how foolish you've been.
-- Evan Esar

#Wise #Wisdom #Becoming

A word to the wise is -- unnecessary.
-- Evan Esar

#Wise #Wisdom #Unnecessary

It's surprising how much wisdom every man possesses -- if not for his own affairs, then for the affairs of others.
-- Evan Esar

#Wisdom #Men #Affair

You can always tell the golfer who's winning: he's the one who keeps telling his opponent that it's only a game.
-- Evan Esar

#Winning #Games #Opponents

Many a husband lives to regret the extravagant fee he bestowed upon the minister who sentenced him.
-- Evan Esar

#Husband #Regret #Ministers

Every bride and groom would do well to remember that in wedding, the we comes before the I.
-- Evan Esar

#Remember #Bride And Groom #Brides

After paying for the wedding, about the only thing a father has left to give away is the bride.
-- Evan Esar

#Father #Giving #Brides

Hard work never hurt anyone who hired someone else to do it.
-- Evan Esar

#Hurt #Work #Hard Work

There's only one thing worse than to live without working, and that is to work without living.
-- Evan Esar

#Work

Formerly when a man worked ten hours a day, it was called economic slavery; nowadays it is called moonlighting.
-- Evan Esar

#Work #Men #Slavery

The cat: an animal that's so unpredictable, you can never tell in advance how it will ignore you the next time.
-- Evan Esar

#Cat #Animal #Next

Canada's climate is nine months winter and three months late in the fall.
-- Evan Esar

#Fall #Winter #Climate

A homosexual is the only man who ever meets a man he would like to marry if he were a woman.
-- Evan Esar

#Men #Homosexual

Some people blow their top, but all people blow their bottom.
-- Evan Esar

#Blow #People #Bottom

There would be no population explosion if people who are trying to keep the wolf from the door wouldn't let the stork fly in through the window.
-- Evan Esar

#Doors #People #Trying

Worry makes people thin, except when they worry about being fat.
-- Evan Esar

#People #Worry #Fats

Some men are so eager for success that they are even willing to work for it.
-- Evan Esar

#Work #Men #Willing

Many a man works himself to death by burying himself in his work.
-- Evan Esar

#Work #Men #Burying

Many a wedding takes place when a man can't afford to go steady with a girl any longer.
-- Evan Esar

#Girl #Men #Steady

A wedding is the formality a man has to go through before going to work for a new boss.
-- Evan Esar

#Men #Boss #Going To Work

Divorce has become so easy nowadays that women have stopped crying at weddings.
-- Evan Esar

#Divorce #Cry #Easy

You can always make a loan at a bank if you can show sufficient evidence that you don't need it.
-- Evan Esar

#Needs #Loan #Lending

There are two kinds of leaders: those who are interested in the flock, and those who are interested in the fleece.
-- Evan Esar

#Leadership #Two #Kind

The trouble with the world is that laziness is seldom curable and never fatal.
-- Evan Esar

#World #Laziness #Trouble

When laziness attacks a woman, it always avoids her tongue.
-- Evan Esar

#Laziness #Tongue

The lazy man claims he is too heavy for light work and too light for heavy work.
-- Evan Esar

#Men #Light #Lazy

A lazy man's wife is generally the power behind the drone.
-- Evan Esar

#Men #Wife #Lazy

The only time a lazy man ever succeeds is when he tries to do nothing.
-- Evan Esar

#Men #Lazy #Trying

Many people will laugh at the drop of a hat, especially if the man is still in it.
-- Evan Esar

#Laughter #Men #People

The Lord takes care of his own, but church trustees still put lightning rods on the steeple.
-- Evan Esar

#Church #Lightning #Care

The best way to make a long story short is to stop listening.
-- Evan Esar

#Long #Listening #Stories

The only thing worse than being on the wrong side of an argument is to be on the right side with no one listening.
-- Evan Esar

#Listening #Sides #Argument

Everything comes to him who waits -- if he waits till it comes.
-- Evan Esar

#Waiting