Ambrose Bierce famous quotes

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Inspirational #Cute #Sad

Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Friendship #Happiness #Future

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Dog #Pet #World

Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Family #Mom #Mother

Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Greed #Political #Nerd

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Thinking #Philosopher #Made

April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Months #Fool #April

Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Daughter #Nature #Atheist

Religions are conclusions for which the facts of nature supply no major premises.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Religious #Facts #Conclusion

Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Education #Wise #Wisdom

Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Sarcastic #Courage #Peace

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Food #Religion #Sauce

Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit it is the first.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Names #Patriotism #Ambitious

Pantheism, n. The doctrine that everything is God, in contradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Doctrine #Pantheism

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Happiness #Marriage #Wedding

Economy, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Needs #Cows #Whiskey

They say that hens do cackle loudest when there is nothing vital in the eggs they have laid.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Vanity #Eggs #Hens

Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Selfish #Selfishness #Consideration

Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Lying #Sadness #People

Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Pigs #Machines #Sausage

Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Player #Men #Gambling

Alliance - in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Peace #Government #Hands

Sabbath - a weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Literature #World #Festivals

Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Inspirational #Faith #Fear

Scriptures - The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Book #Writing #Religion

Happiness is lost by criticizing it; sorrow by accepting it.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Sorrow #Accepting #Lost

To the eye of failure success is an accident.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Eye #Success Failure #Accidents

Knowledge is the small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Ignorance #Knowledge

In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ***** and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Heart #Character #Pigs

diplomacy, n.: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Sarcastic #Country #Art

optimism, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and is most acceptably expounded with disproof - an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Beautiful #Fall #Adversity

It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of others from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Happiness #Smell #Noses

MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English society, the American wife of an English nobleman.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Horse #Wife #Society

Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Religious #Perspective #Honor

Laughter--an interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features, and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious, and though intermittent, incurable.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Laughter #Noise #Inarticulate

Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Spring #Believe #Science

Doubt is the father of invention.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Father #Stupidity #Doubt

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Insanity #Philosopher #Delusion

HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Hands #Pockets #Arms

A wedding is a ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Wedding #Two #Ceremony

The slightest acquaintance with history shows that powerful republics are the most warlike and unscrupulous of nations.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Peace #Powerful #War

MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Animal #Men #Thinking

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Funny #Peace #Military

Politeness, n: The most acceptable hypocrisy.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Hypocrisy #Politeness

Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Beautiful #Italian #Two

Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Time #Twenties #Four

PHOTOGRAPH, n. A picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. It is a little better than the work of an Apache, but not quite so good as that of a Cheyenne.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Photography #Art #Littles

Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Sarcastic #Patience #Virtue

Optimism - the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Beauty #Beautiful #Attitude

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Funny #Anniversary #Romantic

Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Sarcastic #Art #Humorous

Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Beauty #Husband #Power

History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Lying #History #Soldier

Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Patience #Revenge #Planning

Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Art #Weather #Painting

Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Evil #Political #Wish

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Love #Funny #Marriage

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Inspirational #Sarcastic #Business

Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Jealous #Reality #Losing

Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Success #Perseverance #Congratulations

Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Inspirational #Photography #Art

Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Belief #Opinion #Absurdity

Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Ties #Debt #Financial

Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Leadership #Philosophy #Math

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Divorce #Diplomatic Relations #Boundaries

The partisan strife in which the people of the country are permitted to periodically engage does not tend to the development of ugly traits of character, but merely discloses those that preexist.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Country #Character #People

Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Country #Stupid #Power

POLITICIAN, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Mistake #Eels #Agitation

Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Cynical #Adultery #Stage

Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Thanksgiving #Gratitude #Religious

Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Law #Religion #Atheism

Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Sarcastic #Nature #Ocean

Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Distance #Technology #Devil

Be as decent as you can. Don't believe without evidence. Treat things divine with marked respect — don't have anything to do with them. Do not trust humanity without collateral security; it will play you some scurvy trick. Remember that it hurts no one to be treated as an enemy entitled to respect until he shall prove himself a friend worthy of affection. Cultivate a taste for distasteful truths. And, finally, most important of all, endeavor to see things as they are, not as they ought to be.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Hurt #Believe #Play

Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion - thus: Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man. Minor Premise: One man can dig a post-hole in sixty seconds; Therefore- Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post-hole in one second. This may be called syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Art #Blessed #Science

Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Art #Color #White

The covers of this book are too far apart.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Funny #Witty #Humorous

Eulogy. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Power #Eulogy #Wealth

Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Faith #Christian #Spiritual

Enthusiasm - a distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Reality #Connections #Enthusiasm

Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Lunch #Voting #Democracy

Ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Degrees #Solemnity #Found

LANGUAGE, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another's treasure.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Music #Treasure #Guarding

MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavour to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Nature #Science #Brain

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Inspirational #Money #Math

Optimist – A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#White #Black #Doctrine

YESTERDAY, n. The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire past of age.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Past #Yesterday #Age

Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Disappointment #Years #Three

A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet for the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Men #Self #Feet

LEGACY, n. A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Tears #Legacy

A subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship . . . . [H]is master works for the means wherewith to purchase the idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned with a look of tolerant recognition.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Dog #Mean #Looks

PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Pain #Mind #Done

The circus a place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Horse #Children #Men

MYTHOLOGY, n. The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Hero #People #Body

TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Greed #Tariffs #Scales

Work: a dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who want to go fishing.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Fishing #Want #Disorder

The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#World #Ill #Virginity

Abnormal, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Independent #Abnormal #Matter

I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Thinking

Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
-- Ambrose Bierce

#Powerful #Hatred #Tribes