Alan Coren famous quotes

Last updated: Sep 5, 2024

To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life.
-- Alan Coren

#Purpose #Purpose Of Life #Grievance
Enjoy your life today because yesterday had gone and tomorrow may never come
-- Alan Coren

#Beautiful #Yesterday #Today
Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear.
-- Alan Coren

#Freedom #Thinking #Democracy
I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.
-- Alan Coren

#Humorous #Two #Tests
Television is more interesting than people. If it were not we should have people standing in the corner of our room.
-- Alan Coren

#People #Interesting #Television
In the days when the keepers of the house shall tremble, and the strong men shall bow themselves, and the grinders cease because they are few, and those that look out of the windows be darkened, I know one boy who won't be sweating. I intend to raise my coffin-lid briskly, throw a few things into an overnight bag, and, whistling something appropriate, prepare to meet my Maker.
-- Alan Coren

#Strong #Boys #Men
Disneyworld...is a historical reconstruction as sanitised as the Kremlin's, and a future vision as uncognisant of contemporary pointers as Peter Pan's. It is a magic carpet under which everything has been swept.
-- Alan Coren

#Historical #Magic #Vision
The word "souvenir" has, of course, slightly extended itself in meaning until it now denotes almost anything either breakable or useless; but even today, ninety per cent of the items covered by the word are forgettable objects in which cigarettes can be left to go stale.
-- Alan Coren

#Useless #Today #Cigarette
Having lost the last war, they are currently enjoying a Wirtschaftswunder , which can be briefly translated as "The best way to own a Mercedes is to build one.
-- Alan Coren

#War #Way #Lasts
Ethnically, the Germans are Teutonic...being made up of Vandals, Gepidae, and Goths, all of whom emigrated - south from Sweden in about 500 BC; why they emigrated is not exactly clear, but many scholars believe it was because they saw the way Sweden was going, i.e. neutral.
-- Alan Coren

#Believe #Sweden #Way
Strictly speaking, the land does not exist; it is merely dehydrated sea.
-- Alan Coren

#Sea #Land #Doe
A humorist tells himself every morning, "I hope it's going to be a rough day." When things are going well, it's much harder to make the right jokes.
-- Alan Coren

#Morning #Rough Day #Harder
Jacob is a German Shepherd. (I have never understood why they aren't called German Sheepdogs. What do the Germans call shepherds?)
-- Alan Coren

#Dog #Shepherds #Jacob
All I know of birds to this date is that sparrows are the ones that are not pigeons.
-- Alan Coren

#Bird #Sparrows #Pigeons
Malta is the only country in the world where the local delicacy is the bread.
-- Alan Coren

#Country #World #Delicacy
The Act of God designation on all insurance policies; which means, roughly, that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are most likely to happen to you.
-- Alan Coren

#Mean #Policy #Insurance Policy
Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by....
-- Alan Coren

#Order #Snow #Giving
Can anything match that first fine discovery of the telephone and all it stood for? That first realization that, contained within ten simple digits, lay the infinitely possible? Out there ... lay six billion ears, all the people in the world available for contact and mystery and insult, unable to resist the beckoning of one small and villainous forefinger.
-- Alan Coren

#Simple #Discovery #People
English Bohemianism is a curiously unluscious fruit. ... Inside this hothouse, huge lascivious orchids slide sensuously up the sweating windows, passion-flowers cross-pollinate in wild heliotrope abandon, lotuses writhe with poppies in the sweet warm beds, kumquats ripen, open and plop flatly to the floor-and outside, in a neat, trimly-hoed kitchen-garden, English bohemians sit in cold orderly rows, like carrots.
-- Alan Coren

#Sweet #Flower #Passion
10.30 Newsnight: What Are The Chances Of World War Three Breaking Out After You Have Gone To Bed?
-- Alan Coren

#War #Bed #Three

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