Charlie Brooker famous quotes

Last updated: Sep 5, 2024

The biggest teenage taboo is being strait-laced. It's easy to tell a researcher you went to a house party that turned into an orgy. It's less easy to say you like eating toast and watching QI.
-- Charlie Brooker

#Teenage #Party #House
Women - why aren't you running the world yet? Frankly I'm disappointed in you. Men are still far too dominant for their own good, and consequently we've made a testosterone-sodden pig's ear of just about everything: politics, the economy, religion, the environment ... you name it, it's in a gigantic man-wrought mess.
-- Charlie Brooker

#Running #Men #Pigs
If technology is a drug â€“ and it does feel like a drug â€“ then what, precisely, are the side-effects?
-- Charlie Brooker

#Technology #Drug #Doe
The internet's perfect for all manner of things, but productive discussion ain't one of them. It provides scant room for debate and infinite opportunities for fruitless point-scoring: the heady combination of perceived anonymity, gestated responses, random heckling and a notional â€œlive audienceâ€ quickly conspire to create a â€œperfect stormâ€ of perpetual bickering.
-- Charlie Brooker

#Opportunity #Perfect #Storm
The difference between smartphones and cigarettes is this: a cigarette robs 10 minutes from your lifespan, but at least has the decency to wait and withdraw all that time in bulk as you near the end of your life - whereas a smartphone steals your time in the present moment, by degrees. Five minutes here. Five minutes there. Then you look up and you're 85 years old.
-- Charlie Brooker

#Smartphones #Years #Differences
I'm convinced no one actually likes clubs. It's a conspiracy. We've been told they're cool and fun; that only "saddoes" dislike them. And no one in our pathetic little pre-apocalyptic timebubble wants to be labelled "sad" - it's like being officially declared worthless by the state. So we muster a grin and go out on the town in our millions.
-- Charlie Brooker

#Fun #Likes #Towns
Creationists reject Darwin's theory of evolution on the grounds that it is just a theory. This is a valid criticism: evolution is indeed merely a theory, albeit one with ten billion times more credence than the theory of creationism - although, to be fair, the theory of creationism is more than just a theory. It's also a fairy story. And children love fairy stories, which is presumably why so many creationists are keen to have their whimsical gibberish taught in schools.
-- Charlie Brooker

#Children #School #Criticism
[Worshipping God] is like fellating someone who intermittently stubs ***** out on your head for no good reason. And we all know how unsatisfying that can be.
-- Charlie Brooker

#Reason #Worship God
Many people find bald, unvarnished truths so disturbing, they prefer to ram their heads in the sand and start dreaming at the first sign of scientific reality.
-- Charlie Brooker

#Dream #Reality #People
When you're being earnest, people think you're being sarcastic and when you're being sarcastic, they think you're being earnest. The moral in all this, of course, is that people should never attempt to communicate.
-- Charlie Brooker

#Sarcastic #Thinking #People
At the other end of the spectrum, George Gideon Oliver King Rameses Osborne, the fourteen-year-old novelty Chancellor and future baronet of Ballentaylor and Ballylemon - a man so posh he probably weeps champagne.
-- Charlie Brooker

#Kings #Men #Years
proper work" usually involves performing a task you hate on behalf of people you'd gleefully club to death with a bull's knee if only it were legal to do so
-- Charlie Brooker

#Hate #People #Tasks
Everyone had clearly spent far too long perfecting their appearance. I used to feel intimidated by people like this; now I see them as walking insecurity beacons, slaves to the perceived judgment of others, trapped within a self- perpetuating circle of crushing status anxiety.
-- Charlie Brooker

#Crush #Self #Circles
Being slagged off is good for you. It thickens the skin and strengthens the backbone.
-- Charlie Brooker

#Skins #Backbone
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, which is a pity because this week the National Association of Beholders wrote to tell me that I've got a face like a rucksack full of dented bells.
-- Charlie Brooker

#Eye #Bells #Association
The iPad falls between two stools - not quite a laptop, not quite a smartphone. In other words, it's the spork of the electronic consumer goods world.
-- Charlie Brooker

#Fall #Smartphones #Two
In many ways, Big Brother is the present day equivalent of a 1980s Club 18-30 Holiday - flirting, sunbathing, silly little organised games, and lots of people you'd like to remove from the genepool with a cricket bat.
-- Charlie Brooker

#Brother #Silly #Holiday
If love were a product, the queue at the faulty goods desk would stretch right round the universe and back. It doesn't work properly. The seams come apart and it's full of powdered glass.
-- Charlie Brooker

#Glasses #Desks #Queues
Don't accuse anyone with the temerity to question your sad supernatural fantasies of having a 'closed mind' or being 'blind to possibilities'. A closed mind asks no questions, unthinkingly accepting that which it wants to believe. The blindness is all yours."[17
-- Charlie Brooker

#Believe #Mind #Want
Man the lifeboats. The idiots are winning.
-- Charlie Brooker

#Winning #Men #Idiot
the news might be single-handedly trying to bring about an environmental catastrophe, which it will then report on. Super injunctions are interesting legal weapons really, they don't just gag the press, they gag them from mentioning the existence of the gag. Sport belongs in a news bulletin about as much as a mummified cat's head belongs in a Caesar salad. Combine the "mounting pressure" with the "growing cause" and you've got yourself a "media whirlwind" which you can also refer to.
-- Charlie Brooker

#Sports #Cat #Media
I'm somewhat socially inept. Slide me between two strangers at any light-hearted jamboree and I'll either rock awkwardly and silently on my heels, or come out with a stone-cold conversation-killer like, "This room's quite rectangular, isn't it?" I glide through the social whirl with all the elegance of a dog in high heels
-- Charlie Brooker

#Dog #Light #Rocks
Your grades are not your destiny: they're just letters and numbers which rate how well you performed in one artificial arena, once.
-- Charlie Brooker

#Destiny #Numbers #Letters
One of the benefits of aligning yourself with an indistinct cluster of people is that claiming to feel their pain is often enough.
-- Charlie Brooker

#Pain #People #Empathy
Hi-def is merely the latest in a string of evolutional leaps that have transformed the way we sit slumped in front of a box wishing we were dead.
-- Charlie Brooker

#Wish #Way #Boxes
In summary, our world is doomed.
-- Charlie Brooker

#Our World #World #Summary
Society? Can we trust us? Doubt it. We're probably not even real, as was revealed in the popular documentary The Matrix. That bloke next door? Made of pixels. Your co-workers? Pixels. You? One pixel. One measly pixel. You haven't even got shoes, for Christ's sake.
-- Charlie Brooker

#Real #Doors #Shoes
Whenever I tell people I'm a misanthrope they react as though that's a bad thing, the idiots. I live in London, for God's sake. Have you walked down Oxford Street recently? Misanthropy's the only thing that gets you through it. It's not a personality flaw, it's a skill.
-- Charlie Brooker

#Skills #Oxford #People

You may also like:

Bill Hicks
Comedian
Bryce Dallas Howard
Film actress
Dara O Briain
Stand-up comedian
Doug Stanhope
Stand-up comedian
Frankie Boyle
Comedian
Gugu Mbatha-Raw
Film actress
Hayley Atwell
Film actress
Jimmy Carr
Comedian
Joe Rogan
Stand-up comedian
Joe Wright
Film director
Jon Hamm
Actor
Jonathan Ross
Television presenter
Lenora Crichlow
Film actress
Louis C. K.
Comedian
Mitch Hedberg
Comedian
Rafe Spall
Actor
Stewart Lee
Comedian
Victoria Coren Mitchell
Writer
Konnie Huq
Television presenter
Mackenzie Davis
Film actress