Milton Berle famous quotes

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
-- Milton Berle

#Funny #Hilarious #Mom

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"
-- Milton Berle

#Funny #Witty #Jobs

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
-- Milton Berle

#Husband #Interesting #Feels

Laughter is an instant vacation.
-- Milton Berle

#Love #Family #Happiness

This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Sleep #Men

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
-- Milton Berle

#Funny #Witty #Humorous

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
-- Milton Berle

#Hilarious #Book #Library

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
-- Milton Berle

#Funny #Running #Health

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
-- Milton Berle

#Marriage #Men #Wife

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
-- Milton Berle

#White #Order #Bread

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
-- Milton Berle

#Hilarious #Silly #Men

It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Today #Tomorrow

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
-- Milton Berle

#Funny #Money #Income

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle

#Love #Marriage #Husband

When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"
-- Milton Berle

#Education #Teacher #Crazy

The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.
-- Milton Berle

#Education #Teaching #School

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
-- Milton Berle

#Life #Land #America

For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
-- Milton Berle

#Education #Teaching #Intelligence

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
-- Milton Berle

#Funny #Witty #Mistake

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
-- Milton Berle

#Money

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
-- Milton Berle

#Sarcastic #Running #Men

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
-- Milton Berle

#Inspirational #Change #Positive

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
-- Milton Berle

#Funny #Witty #Time

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
-- Milton Berle

#Love #Inspiring #Encouraging

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
-- Milton Berle

#Funny #Inspiring #Graduation

A thing of beauty is a job forever.
-- Milton Berle

#Beauty #Jobs #Forever

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
-- Milton Berle

#Marriage #Running #Perfect

Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.
-- Milton Berle

#Law #Practice #Giving

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
-- Milton Berle

#Valentine #Doors #Wife

At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
-- Milton Berle

#Women #Two #Years

Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
-- Milton Berle

#Assessment #Tests #Grades

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
-- Milton Berle

#Laughter #Medicine #World

Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
-- Milton Berle

#Sex #Winter #Four

I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
-- Milton Berle

#Drug #Age #Wonder

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
-- Milton Berle

#Teacher #Retirement #Dollars

The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.
-- Milton Berle

#Beautiful #Making Love #Lasts

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
-- Milton Berle

#Valentine #Wife #Cards

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
-- Milton Berle

#Krypton #Earth

Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.
-- Milton Berle

#Education #Teacher #Teaching

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
-- Milton Berle

#Life #Wife #Remember

It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
-- Milton Berle

#Education #Team #Teaching

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Years #Eight

One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
-- Milton Berle

#Education #Teacher #Uncles

Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
-- Milton Berle

#Education #Teaching #Promise

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Father #Son

He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.
-- Milton Berle

#Writing #Poetic

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.
-- Milton Berle

#Poverty #Disgrace

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
-- Milton Berle

#Men #Three #Speak

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
-- Milton Berle

#Laughing

I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!
-- Milton Berle

#Hurt #Teaching #Curves

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Son #Yesterday

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Wife #Size

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Wife #Dollars

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Gadgets #Saws

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #New Year #Son

My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Son #Motorcycle

My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Nice #Son

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Brother #Years

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Men #Giving

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Divorce #Wife

Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Kids #Two

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
-- Milton Berle

#Valentine #Heart #Wife

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
-- Milton Berle

#Funny Inspirational #Luck #Progress

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
-- Milton Berle

#Beautiful #Christmas #Mother

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Educational #Kids

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Mother #Law

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.
-- Milton Berle

#Real #Valentine #Thinking

Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.
-- Milton Berle

#Valentine #Remember #Cupid

Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce.
-- Milton Berle

#Valentine #Armistice

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.
-- Milton Berle

#Nice #Valentine #Holiday

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.
-- Milton Berle

#Valentine #Pieces #Break

She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
-- Milton Berle

#Nice #Valentine #Heart

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.
-- Milton Berle

#Mother #Valentine #Heart

On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
-- Milton Berle

#Mother #Flower #Valentine

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Real #Saws

It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
-- Milton Berle

#Humorous #Shipping #Rough

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Home #Hair

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.
-- Milton Berle

#Suffering #Drink #Jew

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Insecure #Numbers

This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
-- Milton Berle

#Teacher #Children #Parent

There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Son #Lists

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Real #Tree

Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
-- Milton Berle

#Looks #Helping #Prosperity

Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
-- Milton Berle

#Men #Sides #Realising

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
-- Milton Berle

#Opportunity #Doors #Long

Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!
-- Milton Berle

#Lying #Home #White

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #War #Scary

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Suicide #Kids

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Batteries

I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Office #Guy

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Office #Post Office

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Brother #Real

One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Song #Wife

Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Tree #Orthopedics

She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Sports #Italian

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Party #Hair

In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Years #December

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Mistake #Giving

I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Boss #Ants

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
-- Milton Berle

#Christmas #Doctors #Years