Red Buttons famous quotes

Last updated: Sep 5, 2024

When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.
-- Red Buttons

#People #Way #Necks
There is only one goal. That's to keep working and keep flossing.
-- Red Buttons

#Goal #Flossing
If I lose show business - I'll really be an orphan!
-- Red Buttons

#Orphan #Show Business #Shows
I am always joking and always clowning, giving and helping.
-- Red Buttons

#Giving #Helping
Orville Wright said to his brother, "Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?"
-- Red Buttons

#Funny #Travel #Brother
Alexander the Great, who said on his wedding night, It's only a nickname. Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Night #Nicknames #Dinner
George Washington, who said to his father, Dad, if I never tell I lie, how am I ever gonna become President? Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Dad #Father #Lying
Sure, I've gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees... I've fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, and take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands or feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, but... thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
-- Red Buttons

#Cancer #Feet #Florida
Goliath's mother, who said to Goliath, Stop running around with David! You're always coming home stoned! Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Mother #Running #Home
Jack the Ripper's mother, who said to Jack, How come I never see you with the same girl twice? Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Girl #Mother #Dinner
Moses, who said to the children of Israel, Wear your galoshes; I never did this trick before. Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Children #Israel #Dinner
King Solomon, who said to his thousand wives, Who doesn't have a headache tonight? Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Kings #Wife #Tonight
Aladdin, who said to his wife, I know it's not a lamp, keep rubbing! Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Wife #Lamps #Dinner
Noah's wife, who said to him after 40 days and 40 nights, It's your turn to spread the papers on the floor! Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Night #Wife #Paper
Donald Trump's mother, who said, Donnie! Stop playing Monopoly and get in that barber's chair! Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Mother #Dinner #Chairs
The captain of the Titanic, who said to room service, Who sent for all this ice? Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Ice #Dinner #Captains
Adam, who said to Eve, What do you mean you have nothing to wear? Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Mean #Dinner #Adam
Amelia Earhart, who said, Stop looking for me; see if you can find my luggage! Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Dinner #Amelia #Said
Venus de Milo's mother, who once said to Venus, You never call me. Can't you pick up a phone? Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Mother #Venus De Milo #Phones
Queen Elizabeth, who said, Not now, I'm on the throne. Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Queens #Thrones #Dinner
Joe Torre, who switched to first base because he didn't want to go through life as Chicken Catcher Torre. Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Want #Dinner #Firsts
Abraham Lincoln, who said, A house divided... is a condominium. Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#House #Dinner #Said
King Henry VIII, who said to his lawyer, Forget the alimony, I've got a better idea. Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Kings #Ideas #Dinner
Maid Marion, who said to Robin Hood, I will not live in a house with a Little John. Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#House #Robins #Maids
George W. Bush, who said to Pope John Paul II, Give us a visit, and bring the missus. Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Giving #Dinner #John Paul Ii
George Burns, what a man. He read in the paper that it takes ten dollars a year to support a kid in India. So he sent his kids there.
-- Red Buttons

#Kids #Men #Years
Dolly Parton, who said to her doctor, Are you sure it's a chest cold? Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Doctors #Dinner #Cold
Eve said to the serpent, “You know I could go for a bite to eat, but I don't know you from Adam.”
-- Red Buttons

#Adam #Said #Serpent

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