Red Buttons famous quotes

03-26-2025

When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.
-- Red Buttons

#People #Way #Necks
There is only one goal. That's to keep working and keep flossing.
-- Red Buttons

#Goal #Flossing
If I lose show business - I'll really be an orphan!
-- Red Buttons

#Orphan #Show Business #Shows
I am always joking and always clowning, giving and helping.
-- Red Buttons

#Giving #Helping
Orville Wright said to his brother, "Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?"
-- Red Buttons

#Funny #Travel #Brother
Alexander the Great, who said on his wedding night, It's only a nickname. Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Night #Nicknames #Dinner
George Washington, who said to his father, Dad, if I never tell I lie, how am I ever gonna become President? Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Dad #Father #Lying
Sure, I've gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees... I've fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, and take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands or feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, but... thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
-- Red Buttons

#Cancer #Feet #Florida
Goliath's mother, who said to Goliath, Stop running around with David! You're always coming home stoned! Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Mother #Running #Home
Jack the Ripper's mother, who said to Jack, How come I never see you with the same girl twice? Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Girl #Mother #Dinner
Moses, who said to the children of Israel, Wear your galoshes; I never did this trick before. Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Children #Israel #Dinner
King Solomon, who said to his thousand wives, Who doesn't have a headache tonight? Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Kings #Wife #Tonight
Aladdin, who said to his wife, I know it's not a lamp, keep rubbing! Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Wife #Lamps #Dinner
Noah's wife, who said to him after 40 days and 40 nights, It's your turn to spread the papers on the floor! Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Night #Wife #Paper
Donald Trump's mother, who said, Donnie! Stop playing Monopoly and get in that barber's chair! Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Mother #Dinner #Chairs
The captain of the Titanic, who said to room service, Who sent for all this ice? Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Ice #Dinner #Captains
Adam, who said to Eve, What do you mean you have nothing to wear? Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Mean #Dinner #Adam
Amelia Earhart, who said, Stop looking for me; see if you can find my luggage! Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Dinner #Amelia #Said
Venus de Milo's mother, who once said to Venus, You never call me. Can't you pick up a phone? Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Mother #Venus De Milo #Phones
Queen Elizabeth, who said, Not now, I'm on the throne. Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Queens #Thrones #Dinner
Joe Torre, who switched to first base because he didn't want to go through life as Chicken Catcher Torre. Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Want #Dinner #Firsts
Abraham Lincoln, who said, A house divided... is a condominium. Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#House #Dinner #Said
King Henry VIII, who said to his lawyer, Forget the alimony, I've got a better idea. Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Kings #Ideas #Dinner
Maid Marion, who said to Robin Hood, I will not live in a house with a Little John. Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#House #Robins #Maids
George W. Bush, who said to Pope John Paul II, Give us a visit, and bring the missus. Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Giving #Dinner #John Paul Ii
George Burns, what a man. He read in the paper that it takes ten dollars a year to support a kid in India. So he sent his kids there.
-- Red Buttons

#Kids #Men #Years
Dolly Parton, who said to her doctor, Are you sure it's a chest cold? Never got a dinner!
-- Red Buttons

#Doctors #Dinner #Cold
Eve said to the serpent, “You know I could go for a bite to eat, but I don't know you from Adam.”
-- Red Buttons

#Adam #Said #Serpent

You may also like:

Burt Lancaster
Film actor
Charles Laughton
Film actor
Debbie Reynolds
Film actress
Ernest Borgnine
Film actor
Gene Hackman
Actor
George Stevens
Film director
Helen Reddy
Singer
Janet Leigh
Film actress
Jim Backus
Television actor
Jim Dale
Actor
Lillian Gish
Actress
Mickey Rooney
Film actor
Milton Berle
Comedian
Montgomery Clift
Film actor
Pamela Sue Martin
Actress
Red Skelton
Entertainer
Robert Goulet
Singer
Robert Mitchum
Film actor
Roddy McDowall
Actor
Shelley Winters
Actress