Mike Birbiglia famous quotes

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Girl #Thinking #Littles

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Night #Perfect #People

I just don't give off a great first impression.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Giving #First Impression #Firsts

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Keys #Healthy #Tvs

I feel that marriage can lead to the ultimate rejection and failure and divorce and things we all fear.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Divorce #Rejection #Feels

Eugene Mirman is the Andy Warhol of comedy. People look to him for what's next in comedy, and he emails these people back promptly. The Will to Whatevs put me in a great mood because I was laughing out loud. Alone. That's hard to do.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Laughing #People #Looks

I drank the Kool-Aid of being a network star. Once it didn't happen, I realized it wasn't the best version of my comedy.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Stars #Comedy #Aids

I almost can't even put to words how happy I am that I got married.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Married

How many people do you know who have thrown up on the Scrambler or a carnival ride? A lot of people, is the answer.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#People #Answers #Carnivals

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Ideas #People #Creepy

I like 'Donnie Darko;' it's a cool take on dreams and sleep.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Dream #Sleep

Backup dancers are completely respectable. They're the studio musicians of dance.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Dancer #Musician #Backup

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Dream #Sleep #Brain

Alienation, I suppose, can't be hackneyed because it will always exist.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Alienation

Comedy unites, it doesn't divide!
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Comedy

Comedy is tragedy plus time, but the time is different for everybody.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Tragedy #Different #Comedy

I never looked at my parents' marriage or really anyone who had been married more than 30 years and thought, 'I gotta get me some of that!'
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Years #Parent #Married

I find my fans are really funny people. Most comedians can't say that about their fans.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#People #Comedian #Fans

Fortunately, I don't talk about politics on stage.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Stage

The ability to workshop in stand-up comedy is incomparable to any art form, in my opinion.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Art #Opinion #Comedy

I couldn't recommend more that people put themselves in a situation where they can see a lot of work that they admire, and for free.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#People #Admire #Situation

I think serious situations actually make for the best kind of belly laughs. But theyre also the hardest to convert into comedy at the outset.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Thinking #Laughing #Serious

Essentially, retweets are like laughs.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Laughing #Retweet

I feel like everyone wants to make a movie that they feel passionate about watching.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Passionate #Want #Feels

I always try to attack the most honest issues I can in my comedy.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Issues #Trying #Honest

Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Sharks #Doe #Rhyme

It had that kind of open-ended fear to it - like that feeling you get when you're driving and you see a cop. And you're not speeding. You don't have drugs. But you're just thinking, I hope he doesn't notice I'm driving.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Thinking #Feelings #Drug

I didn't realize how good I was with computers until I met my parents.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Parent #Computer #Realizing

Sometimes, when you want to be in a place so badly, you'll do anything.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Want #Sometimes

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Falling In Love #Love Is #Ice

My friends drink everywhere. They even drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat, and I thought I was in a submarine, navigating the Sea of White Panties with my Spanish-speaking crew. I was like, "Mrs. Sanchez, set the coordinates to Permanent Press! Give me some quarters and another drink! This place is starting to look like a laundromat."
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Drinking #Sea #White

Every comedian comes to a fork in the road where they have to decide if they're going to make jokes about other people or make jokes about themselves. I chose myself.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#People #Comedian #Fork In The Road

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Funny Relationship #Math #Needs

The list of fun and easily fixed brain diseases is very short.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Fun #Brain #Disease

I'm a compulsive everything.
-- Mike Birbiglia

Sometimes when I do a joke and it doesn't get a lot of laughs, it kind of feels like I'm doing jazz. That's kinda cool because jazz is cool, but sometimes jazz sucks ... Maybe I'm the Kenny G of comedy.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Laughing #Jazz #Comedy

You can always tell who went to catholic school, because they're atheists.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Atheist #School #Catholic

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Funny #Writing #Way

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Comedy

I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid everyone gets a Valentine. It's like 'TO TIM, NICE PANTS, LOVE SCOTT'. It's Valentines galore!
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Nice #Funny Valentines Day #Kids

Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, you get it on your shirt.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Sex #Funny Relationship #Shirts

...And so we go and I meet his parents. And it's a very strange thing meeting your girlfriend's boyfriend's parents for the first time. Part of you is angry for obvious reasons and part of you still wants to make a good impression. On a side note, they seemed in perfect health.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Girlfriend #Perfect #Dating

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Whole Family #Reception #Pizza

Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.'
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Mad #Guy #Together

Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Strong #Bears #Who You Are

I've read that Steven Wright's style was born out of genuine nervousness,
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Style #Genuine #Born

When you're in a relationship with someone who's selfish, what keeps you in it is the fact that when they shine on you, it's this souped-up shine. And you feel like you're in the club. And you don't even know what club it is. You just know you want to stay in it.
-- Mike Birbiglia

#Selfish #Shining #Clubs