Dennis Miller famous quotes

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.
-- Dennis Miller

#Jobs #Work #People

By and large, I think it should be a rule in the teacher employment manual that you can't go attend any event where if you took your classroom on a student field trip, they would summarily be obliterated. That should be rule No. 1.
-- Dennis Miller

#Teacher #Thinking #Fields

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.
-- Dennis Miller

#Obamacare #Needs #Politics

Nowadays, with history not being taught anymore in American public schools, self-esteem is taking its place.
-- Dennis Miller

#Self Esteem #School #Taught

Other than the bombs they strap to their chests, Ive got no idea what makes the Palestinians tick.
-- Dennis Miller

#Ideas #Bombs #Tick

The very definition of the innate hollowness of leading a political life when you end up on your nearest and dearest moments or most personal evenings with donors. That should - that should tell you all you need to know about the ramble that is politics.
-- Dennis Miller

#Political #Needs #Definitions

And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For God's sake, they were blowing peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their breakfast beverage. And it wasn't even coffee.
-- Dennis Miller

#Father #Coffee #Breakfast

Half the people I look who are health food addicts look sickly to me. Let's start taxing health food. Somebody force a burger down some of these people's jaw because they look a little pale and wan to me.
-- Dennis Miller

#People #Littles #Looks

A third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. The reality? Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.
-- Dennis Miller

#Men #Thinking #Reality

Homosexuals are entering the mainstream, because they're becoming as boring and as tedious as any other splinter group.
-- Dennis Miller

#Entering #Splinters #Becoming

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.
-- Dennis Miller

#Jobs #Parenting #Important

Drop the veneer periodically and be like "OK, I'm an imperfect human. Let's try to get through this."
-- Dennis Miller

#Trying #Imperfect #Veneer

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
-- Dennis Miller

#Christmas #Girl #Santa

The way I've always governed my life as far as fiscal policy goes is I'm smart enough to know that I'm dumb about it, so I surround myself with smart people in much the same way a hole surrounds itself with a doughnut. I just pay things off. That's all I do.
-- Dennis Miller

#Smart #People #Dumb

I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian.
-- Dennis Miller

#Comedian #Credibility

I'm glad I don't have a lot of money in the market. And quite frankly, you'd be better off giving your money to a colorblind roulette addict than put it in the stock market.
-- Dennis Miller

#Giving #Roulette #Glad

I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.
-- Dennis Miller

#Football #Alphabet #Tyson

There's no more delicious irony on the face of the Earth than environmental protesters being led away in plastic handcuffs that have a biodegradability horizon line of, like, 40,000 years.
-- Dennis Miller

#Years #Environmental #Horizon

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.
-- Dennis Miller

#Lying #Cheesy #Washington Dc

I have a nice house. And when somebody says it's a palace, I always feel like we're digging a little or something.
-- Dennis Miller

#Nice #House #Digging

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
-- Dennis Miller

#Quilts #Gay #Hiv

I have sympathy for any human being that's driven by their limbic part of their brain. We all know that exists in a person.
-- Dennis Miller

#Brain #Driven #Humans

I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.
-- Dennis Miller

#Iraq #Would Be #Bags

Branson, Missouri, is Vegas for people with no teeth.
-- Dennis Miller

#Vegas #People #Teeth

The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.
-- Dennis Miller

#White #House #United States

I rant, therefore I am
-- Dennis Miller

#Funny #Witty #Humorous

Any time your parent says they party with you, that is its own form of child abuse.
-- Dennis Miller

#Children #Party #Parent

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
-- Dennis Miller

#Funny #Running #Police

When your mother starts using the word "party" as a verb about her kid, that's absolutely crazy.
-- Dennis Miller

#Mother #Crazy #Party

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.
-- Dennis Miller

#Atheist #Religion #Atheism

And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow.
-- Dennis Miller

#Men #Choices #Abortion

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?
-- Dennis Miller

#Funny #Ideas #Life Is Hard

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.
-- Dennis Miller

#Sweet #Important #Needs

My fear of flying starts as soon as I buckle myself in and then the guy up front mumbles a few unintelligible words then before I know it I'm thrust into the back of my seat by acceleration that seems way too fast and the rest of the trip is an endless nightmare of turbulence, of near misses. And then the cabbie drops me off at the airport.
-- Dennis Miller

#Inspirational #Funny #Travel

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
-- Dennis Miller

#Letting Go #Guilt #Want

Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?
-- Dennis Miller

#Hair #Doe #Cost

Trends don't mean anything to me. If I like something, I'll do it. If I don't, I won't do it, and I wouldn't care if everybody in the country mocked me.
-- Dennis Miller

#Country #Mean #Care