Funny Thanksgiving Quotes:

It must be an odd feeling to be thankful to nobody in particular. Christians in public institutions often see this odd thing happening on Thanksgiving Day. Everyone in the institution seems to be thankful 'in general.' It's very strange. It's a little like being married in general.

- Cornelius Plantinga

source: Cornelius Plantinga (2001). “Beyond Doubt: Faith-Building Devotions on Questions Christians Ask”, p.52, Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing

topic: Christian, Funny Thanksgiving, Being Thankful, Funny Thanksgiving Day, Christian Thanksgiving

Proper turkey preparation is critical. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, more Americans die every year from eating improperly cooked turkey than were killed in the entire Peloponnesian War. This is because turkey can contain salmonella, which are tiny bacteria that, if they get in your bloodstream, develop into full-grown salmon, which could come leaping out of your mouth during an important business presentation.

- Dave Barry

topic: War, Funny Thanksgiving, Years

Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, 'How long has Mom been drinking like this?' My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, 'Here, kitty, kitty.'

- David Letterman

topic: Mom, Drinking, Funny Thanksgiving, Kitties, Thanksgiving Day

You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave.

- Dylan Brody

topic: Wise, Native American, Funny Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving Day, Family Thanksgiving

I have strong doubts that the first Thanksgiving even remotely resembled the 'history' I was told in second grade. But considering that (when it comes to holidays) mainstream America's traditions tend to be over-eating, shopping, or getting drunk, I suppose it's a miracle that the concept of giving thanks even surfaces at all.

- Ellen Orleans

topic: Strong, Holiday, Funny Thanksgiving, Funny Thanksgiving Day, Friends Thanksgiving

People always think of Chinese food as the go-to ethnic food when everything else is closed during the holidays, but Indian is a nice alternative. Plus - Indians? Thanksgiving? Kinda makes sense...

- Erin Gibson

topic: Nice, Holiday, Funny Thanksgiving, Chinese Food

I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-f**ked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right.

- Greg Behrendt

topic: Hurt, Funny Thanksgiving, Turkeys, Gingerbread, Keds

Ever since you're little you hear this: 'The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.' But even when you're little you're like, 'Umm.. Bullsh*t?'

- Greg Proops

topic: Religious, Funny Thanksgiving, World, Sneak, Religious Persecution

I have had vegan Thanksgiving of tofurkey and soy gravy. And it's not to say that Thanksgiving will ever justify the genocide of the Native Americans. But vegan Thanksgiving - that's just spitting on the graves, isn't it?

- Hari Kondabolu

topic: Native American, Funny Thanksgiving, Soy, Gravy

Praise God even when you don't understand what He is doing.

- Henry Jacobsen

topic: Funny Thanksgiving, Praise, Praise God, Thanksgiving Day, Praise And Thanksgiving

I'm from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I'm thankful for that.

- Howie Mandel

source: "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Thanksgiving, Funny Thanksgiving, Canada, Funny Thanksgiving Day, Thanksgiving Funny

You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.

- Jay Leno

topic: Funny Thanksgiving, Too Much, Thanksgiving Card, Thanksgiving Jokes, Thanksgiving Thank You

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.

- Jim Davis

source: Jim Davis (2012). “Garfield Eats His Heart Out: His 6th Book”, p.4, Ballantine Group

topic: Food, Funny Thanksgiving, Cake, Delicious Food, Sweets And Desserts

Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out.

- Nicole Hollander

topic: Funny Thanksgiving, Turkeys, Cooking, Leftovers, Funny Thanksgiving Day

There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating - people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.

- Oscar Wilde

topic: Success, Knowledge, Funny Thanksgiving

It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with gourmet status.

- Russell Baker

topic: Grandmother, Funny Thanksgiving, Turkeys, Funny Thanksgiving Day, Funny Happy Thanksgiving

If you want to save a species, simply decide to eat it. Then it will be managed - like chickens, like turkeys, like deer, like Canadian geese.

- Ted Nugent

topic: Funny Thanksgiving, Turkeys, Want, Geese, Funny Happy Thanksgiving

I love chicken. I would eat chicken fingers on Thanksgiving if it were socially acceptable.

- Todd Barry

topic: Thanksgiving, Funny Thanksgiving, Fingers, Five Fingers, Roast Chicken

You can only govern men by serving them. The rule is without exception.

- Victor Kiam

topic: Humorous, Men, Funny Thanksgiving

The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, "I don't need a pardon. I need a job.'

- Conan O'Brien

topic: Jobs, Funny Thanksgiving, Turkeys, Thanksgiving Wishes, Turkey Day

No One Diets on Thanksgiving.

- Erma Bombeck

source: Erma Bombeck (2013). “Forever, Erma: Best-Loved Writing From America's Favorite Humorist”, p.301, Open Road Media

topic: Funny Thanksgiving, Diets