George Carlin famous quotes

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another
-- George Carlin

#Media #Different #Politician

The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the intellect.
-- George Carlin

#Thinking #Ideas #Limits

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
-- George Carlin

#Nature #Philosophy #Stupid

One of the effects it [cocaine] had on my personality - my moods, my behaviors - was that it inhibited me a lot. It kind of took possibilities out of my world, and made the focus of things very narrow.
-- George Carlin

#Focus #Personality #World

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.
-- George Carlin

#Faith #Children #Learning

Voting is a meaningless exercise. I'm not going to waste my time with it. These parties, these politicians are given to us as a way of making us feel we have freedom of choice. But we don't. Everything is done to you in this country.
-- George Carlin

#Country #Party #Exercise

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
-- George Carlin

#Funny #Life #Witty

Obviously, there are people who constrict themselves and build walls around themselves, whether it's from a moral standpoint or a patriotic standpoint, or just plain old conformity, and who therefore live in those little prisons, and when things breach those walls, it's shocking for them.
-- George Carlin

#Wall #Patriotic #People

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
-- George Carlin

#Cynical #Idealist #Disappointed

Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show.
-- George Carlin

#Mind #Would Be #Tools

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
-- George Carlin

#Inspirational #Life #Music

Catholic school gave me the tools to reject the very religion they wanted me to have. They taught me how to think for myself and to be independent.
-- George Carlin

#School #Independent #Thinking

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.
-- George Carlin

#Funny #Sarcastic #Witty

Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision; it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it; you have a choice.
-- George Carlin

#Self #Choices #Decision

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
-- George Carlin

#Inspirational #Funny #Life

I think religion is very anti-man. I think it's a terrible distortion and exploitation of a very natural urge every human has - to be rejoined with the one somehow, to become a part of the universe. Once the high priests and the traders took over, we were lost as a species.
-- George Carlin

#Men #Thinking #Natural

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
-- George Carlin

#Fitness #America #Soul

Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which is usual with cattle, but to do the buying. And everyone is branded. You see the brands - Nike, Puma, Coke - all over their bodies. Pretty soon you'll go to a family and say, "$100,000 if we can tattoo Pepsi on your child's forehead, and we'll have it removed when he's twenty-one. A hundred grand."
-- George Carlin

#Tattoo #Nike #Children

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body
-- George Carlin

#Fun #Over You #Trying

An entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself. An artist is on a journey: they don't know where they're going, what is going to happen, but they know they are not there yet, and there is some continuity and growth. I think of myself as an entertainer: I'm a performing entertainer, I'm a stand-up comic. But there's an artist at work here, too. One who interprets his world through his own filter.
-- George Carlin

#Artist #Journey #Thinking

Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.
-- George Carlin

#Stupid #People #Theft

I like my jokes to be built on a foundation of ideas, or at least smart observations.
-- George Carlin

#Smart #Ideas #Foundation

I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.
-- George Carlin

#Country #Believe #Matter

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.
-- George Carlin

#Earthquakes #Would Be #Stores

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
-- George Carlin

#Sarcastic #Laughter #Smart

Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists."
-- George Carlin

#Humorous #Terrorist #Murderer

What I became a comedian for was to get my art out. To get some of these feelings and things I had on my chest out. I don't care if people believe them, listen to them, change their ways, or think, or any of that kind of crap. I'm interested in showing off. I'm the same kid from sixth grade who stood up and said "watch this."
-- George Carlin

#Art #Believe #Kids

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.
-- George Carlin

#Games #Play #Church

Broadway isn't a very big career move. There's no money in it and it doesn't mean anything to your career. It's just a nice little jewel in the crown.
-- George Carlin

#Nice #Moving #Mean

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
-- George Carlin

#Giving #Political #Too Much

It's a "keep your fingers crossed" business, the entertainment business.
-- George Carlin

#Entertainment #Fingers Crossed #Fingers

Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking
-- George Carlin

#Eye #Looks #Genuine

Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't.
-- George Carlin

#Thinking #People #Fiber

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
-- George Carlin

#Glasses #People #Optimism

I don't consider myself a cynic. I think of myself as a skeptic and a realist.
-- George Carlin

#Thinking #Realist #Cynic

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
-- George Carlin

#Funny #Hilarious #Witty

That's basically what the drive is: "I want to be famous, I want to be noticed, and I want to be approved of." That's basically what you're after. "Give me attention, give me applause, give me an audience. A. A. A. Straight As." That's all you're looking for.
-- George Carlin

#Giving #Attention #Want

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
-- George Carlin

#Funny #Sarcastic #Dream

If you dropped me off a space platform onto the ground where a line was drawn, I would fall to the left side of it. I believe the difference between right and left is that the right, for the most part, the bulk of their philosophy is interested in property, and the rights of people to own property and gain and acquire and keep property. And I think on the left - though they blend and mix - on the left primarily you will find people who are more concerned about humans, and the human condition, and what can be done.
-- George Carlin

#Philosophy #Believe #Fall

Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
-- George Carlin

#World #Comedy #Upside Down

You can't be the fastest gun in town forever. There comes a time when you're not the golden boy, and you have to go off somewhere and figure yourself out.
-- George Carlin

#Gun #Boys #Forever

There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.
-- George Carlin

#Atheist #Ku Klux Klan #Doubt

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
-- George Carlin

#Inspirational #Funny #Mean Girls

Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.
-- George Carlin

#Running #Smart #Thinking

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
-- George Carlin

#Life #Money #Love You

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
-- George Carlin

#Perspective #Perception #Littles

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
-- George Carlin

#Funny #Wedding #Truth

What year did Jesus think it was?
-- George Carlin

#Funny #Jesus #Humor

Children should be taught to question everything . . . everything they read and everything they hear.
-- George Carlin

#Children #Taught #Should

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
-- George Carlin

#Atheist #Stupid People #Organization

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
-- George Carlin

#Inspirational #Funny #Life

Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land. They own, and control the corporations. They've long since bought, and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pockets and they own all the big media companies, so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear.
-- George Carlin

#Running #Smart #Thinking

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
-- George Carlin

#Christmas #Girl #Cheesy

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.
-- George Carlin

#Humorous #Disease #Impossible

I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I consider them to be symbols and I leave symbols to the symbol minded.
-- George Carlin

#Yellow #Flags #Ribbons

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
-- George Carlin

#Musician #Lawyer #Clergymen

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.
-- George Carlin

#Beautiful #Song #Nature

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
-- George Carlin

#Love #Funny #Cute Relationship

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
-- George Carlin

#Funny #Life #Witty

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!
-- George Carlin

#Friday #Rain #Night

It's never just a game when you're winning.
-- George Carlin

#Funny #Sarcastic #Witty

When in comes to bullshit...bigtime, major league bullshit...you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims...religion.
-- George Carlin

#Atheist #Bullshit #League

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
-- George Carlin

#Rocks #Rock Music #Music Is

I also survived circumcision, a barbaric practice designed to remind you as early as possible that your genitals are not your own.
-- George Carlin

#Atheist #Practice #Circumcision

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
-- George Carlin

#Stupid #Fall #People

Hooray for most things!
-- George Carlin

#Stupid #Stupid People #People

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
-- George Carlin

#Stupid #Thinking #People

Everything beeps now.
-- George Carlin

#Technology

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
-- George Carlin

#Funny #Dog #Nice

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
-- George Carlin

#Inspirational #Funny #Life

The future will soon be a thing of the past.
-- George Carlin

#Stupid #Stupid People #Past

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
-- George Carlin

#Funny #Sarcastic #Witty

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch tv too much. We have multiplied our possessions but reduces our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.
-- George Carlin

#Life #Hate #Tired

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
-- George Carlin

#Philosophy #Real #Lying

If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
-- George Carlin

#Sarcasm #Fire #If You Love Someone

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
-- George Carlin

#Dream #Time #Bad Day

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-- George Carlin

#Funny #Success #Witty

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
-- George Carlin

#Funny #Sarcastic #Witty

Is there another word for synonym?
-- George Carlin

#Inspirational #Life #Synonym

If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
-- George Carlin

#Funny #Sexy #Arms

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
-- George Carlin

#Inspirational #Family #Children

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
-- George Carlin

#Philosophy #Stupid People #Average

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
-- George Carlin

#Chocolate #Feelings #Bars

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
-- George Carlin

#Funny #Witty #Atheist

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
-- George Carlin

#Funny #Sarcastic #Sarcasm

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
-- George Carlin

#Funny #Life #People

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
-- George Carlin

#Humor #Stupid People #Thinking

They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.
-- George Carlin

#Light #Darkness #Cursing

The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender for the sake of group thought. And when you suspend your individual beauty you also give up a lot of your humanity. You will do things in the name of a group that you would never do on your own. Injuring, hurting, killing, drinking are all part of it, because you've lost your identity, because you now owe your allegiance to this thing that's bigger than you are and that controls you.
-- George Carlin

#Hurt #Giving Up #Drinking

I think we’re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward, it doesn’t judge at all. It just is.
-- George Carlin

#Thinking #Order #Judging

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
-- George Carlin

#Time #Jobs #Philosophy

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't...Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same...so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself...
-- George Carlin

#Funny #Sarcastic #Witty

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
-- George Carlin

#Wonder #Impatient #Genuine

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?
-- George Carlin

#Wine #Funny Wine #Captains

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
-- George Carlin

#Stupid #Hero #People

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
-- George Carlin

#Peace #Freedom #Fighting

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
-- George Carlin

#Funny #Life #Smile

The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!
-- George Carlin

#Country #Party #Two

Personally, when it comes to rights, I think one of two things is true. I think either we have unlimited rights, or we have no rights at all. Personally I lean towards unlimited rights, I feel for instance I have the right to do anything I please, BUT! If I do something you don't like I think you have the right to kill me.
-- George Carlin

#Thinking #Rights #Two

Religion is just mind control.
-- George Carlin

#Funny #Comedian #Mind