Andy Borowitz famous quotes

As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Believe #Evolution #Republican

Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Dumb #Said #Idiotic

The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Baby #Jesus #Lasts

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Crazy #Gun #Thinking

Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.
-- Andy Borowitz

#War #Iraq #Eight

All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Independence #Passing #Mourn

Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Running #President #Quitting

Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Garden #President #Way

Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Secret #Roles #Congress

Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'
-- Andy Borowitz

#Mom #Home #Stay At Home Mom

We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Gps #Pakistan #Needs

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Nice #School #Political

If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Writing #Mark #Huckleberry

Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Gun #Thinking #Dreamer

On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.
-- Andy Borowitz

#July #Government #People

Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people"
-- Andy Borowitz

#New Relationship #Funny Friend #People

NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Black #Cain #Trivia

Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Country #Care #Tvs

Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Christmas #Religious #Xmas

The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps; and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Believe #Cutting #Gun

I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Funny #Technology #People

Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Gun #Dreamer #Wish

You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Christmas #Want #Return

If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them
-- Andy Borowitz

#Funny Friend #People #Google

It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Witty #Technology #People

The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Funny Life #Life Is #Now And Then

Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Birthday #People #Thanks

Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Song #Funny Life #Chicago

Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Ideas #Soap #Looks

Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Earthquakes #Hurricanes #Made

Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Funny #Travel #Worry

The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Funny #Travel #Thinking

As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Christmas #Vampire #Would Be

A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Race #Tests #Christie

Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'
-- Andy Borowitz

#Government #Mars #Answers

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Baby #Funny Christmas #Overboard

Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Funny Christmas #Littles #Celebrate

Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.
-- Andy Borowitz

#School #Army #America

Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Funny #Technology #Hours

Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Funny Christmas #Sweaters #Helping

Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Lasts #Republican #Excited

If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Party #Pro Life #Republican

Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Years #Watches #Welcome

Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Funny #Technology #People

Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Funny #Cat #Technology

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
-- Andy Borowitz

#Funny #Technology #Men