Jackie Mason famous quotes

Last updated: Sep 5, 2024

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
-- Jackie Mason

#Money #Love Is #Important
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
-- Jackie Mason

#Funny #Humorous #Lasts
I've been watching politics for 35 or 40 years and you just never know. You can have one person win the Iowa caucus and then the whole picture changes ten minutes later. The same thing can happen again after New Hampshire. I have no idea what's going to happen with our country in the future.
-- Jackie Mason

#Country #Winning #Years
Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .
-- Jackie Mason

#Girlfriend #Thinking #Wife
I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.
-- Jackie Mason

#Football #Player #Self
A person who speaks good English in New York sounds like a foreigner.
-- Jackie Mason

#New York #Sound #Speak
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
-- Jackie Mason

#Marriage #Funny Love #Cheating
It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.
-- Jackie Mason

#Health #Healthy #Sickness
It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.
-- Jackie Mason

#Death #Suicide #Political
Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one?
-- Jackie Mason

#Kids #Kids Playing #Wanted
America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.
-- Jackie Mason

#Country #America #Tears
Would you put a pastrami in your mouth if you didn't want to eat it?
-- Jackie Mason

#Drug #Mouths #Want
I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humour doesn't know what he's talking about.
-- Jackie Mason

#Art #Philosophical #Talking
I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to.
-- Jackie Mason

#People #Trying
I always thought music was more important than sexâ€”then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.
-- Jackie Mason

#Sex #Years #Important
If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.
-- Jackie Mason

#Running #Apologizing #Truck
You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? ... Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.
-- Jackie Mason

#Men #Guy #Shapes
I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times.
-- Jackie Mason

#Believe #Different #Ridiculous
My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.
-- Jackie Mason

#Differences #Doe #Stories
A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval.
-- Jackie Mason

#Laughing #Wife #Approval
Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.
-- Jackie Mason

#Basketball #School #Play
On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.
-- Jackie Mason

#Country #New York #Important
I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.
-- Jackie Mason

#Heart #Laughing #My Heart
By these things examine thyself. By whose rules am I acting; in whose name; in whose strength; in whose glory? What faith, humility, self-denial, and love of God and to man have there been in all my actions?
-- Jackie Mason

#Humility #Men #Self
I didn't think it was fair to pretend to give of myself when I was so selfishly consumed with my own drives.
-- Jackie Mason

#Thinking #Giving #Obsession
My comedy doesn't come from any calculations and studies.
-- Jackie Mason

#Comedy #Study
Honesty is nothin' compared to decency.
-- Jackie Mason

#Honesty #Decency

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