Zach Galifianakis famous quotes

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Funny #Drinking #Names

My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don't really do a character thing in stand-up. It's just a bunch of sentences that are supposed to be funny.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Real #Character #Bunch

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Funny #Growing Up #Forts

My comfort zone is press conferences.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Comfort #Comfort Zone #Conferences

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Funny #Thinking #Age

I'm not cynical when it comes to things that are important. I'm cynical about pop culture and all that horseshit.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Cynical #Important #Culture

A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Thinking #Sometimes #Audience

I just could just shave my beard, and nobody would recognize me. Although I look like Jodie Foster.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Looks #Beard

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Wonder #Spaceships

I do whatever comes my way. But I get burned out on stage. It's a lonely world. I think part of the romanticism about being on the road is you get to meet a lot of - my mom once told me, "You've probably got a woman at every port." Like I'm a pirate. Obviously she doesn't know her son that well.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Mom #Lonely #Son

I'm proud of The Hangover, but to be in movies like this, which are really the only places I can get work, it's really quite the opposite of what I am. I like sensitive art-house movies. I'm not even much of a partier. I mean, I'll drink myself into oblivion alone in my car.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Art #Hangover #Mean

I'm the most mellow person offstage. I think it's just, going onstage lets me get out some frustration that I'm too shy to do in real life. Instead of doing it in private, I'd rather do it in front of 1,000 people who've paid $25 to see me lose my mind.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Real #Frustration #Thinking

I don't want my personal life to change. I don't understand why people strive for [fame]. I know it's ironic for me to be saying this, but this will be the last one I do.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#People #Ironic #Want

I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Self #Kind #Certain

I have never been much of a groomer. I take baths a lot, but I don't wear deodorant. I don't have to. I have a miraculous body scent. I've had women smell me and say that should be bottled. I would advise guys to lay off the Drakkar, because the cavemen weren't wearing it. They might have been putting mint leaves on their balls, but [your scent] is grown naturally. I have really good dating advice.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Smell #Dating #Guy

I'm terrible at heights. I hate it. I'm glad I'm only 5'7".
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Hate #Height #Terrible

It's fun for me to couple emotion with comedy. I think it helps comedy. I think a lot of times American comedies don't play on emotion too much.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Couple #Fun #Thinking

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Mean #Long #Abbreviations

If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Mean #Pilates #Waffles

I think comedy does have that powerful thing that doesn't seem too preachy because you're also making people laugh, so it's really kind of a good tool for messaging.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Powerful #Thinking #Laughing

I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Names #Goal #Lasts

I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Grandparent #Making Love #Raisins

Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Rudeness

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Girl #Thinking #Fats

I get burned out on standup. But I like acting. I do like it. But sometimes you just feel like a monkey. You just feel like a complete tool. But I like it. I do like it. Stand-up is just more free. A lot more freedom because you just do what you want to do.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Acting #Want #Monkeys

As a comic, it's anti-comedy to be known. I think a lot of comedic actors get lost in this world of Hollywood and all this stuff. They lose what brought them there in the first place. I'm very trepidatious about it.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Thinking #Actors #World

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Hammocks #Revolution

When a role seems fun it's easy to play. It kind of comes organically.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Fun #Play #Roles

I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Funny #Dream #Country

I wish I could sit back and say, 'Oh, I'm gonna wait for a Merchant-Ivory film to come my way. Or Ivory-Merchant. Whatever it's called. But you just take what's given and then, hopefully, down the road you can be more choosy and only do, say, Wayans brothers movies. That's my goal: to be more Merchant-Ivory-Wayans.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Brother #Ivory #Goal

People get TV deals by doing something in their grandmother's basement. It is definitely the wave. Everybody is trying to do all that stuff. I mean, the Internet is the only reason that I've gotten work is because I've somehow created a line and people have seen it. And then I've been asked to auditions.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Mean #Grandmother #People

I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Thinking #Laughing #Track

Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Hate #People #I Hate

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Sneakers #Dry #Laundry

My name is Zach Galifianakis and I hope I'm pronouncing that right. I'm named after my granddad, my middle name. My name is Zach Granddad Galifianakis.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Names #Middle

Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#New York #Hate #Joints

I kind of put myself out there as is. I'm a quiet person. I don't know if that's surprising. I'm a Pilates junkie.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Pilates #Kind #Quiet

We talked about politics constantly in my family growing up in North Carolina. There were always debates. Being of Greek background, it's in our blood to drink coffee and talk politics.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Growing Up #Coffee #Blood

I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Men #Thinking #Wolf Packs

The congressmen and senators used to go have a drink in D.C. They would disagree all day long, but they would find that time to sit down and learn about each other personally. I think that's totally wiped out; I don't think it really exists anymore.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Thinking #Long #Down And

There's more to life than being an actor in a Hollywood movie. I'm not going to adapt my life after that existence, where a lot of people do. And they get the publicist, and they get all that stuff, and it becomes them. I think it's a stupid way to live your life. A really dumb way to live your life.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Stupid #Thinking #People

We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the 'Girlfriend in a Coma' is, like, really funny.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Song #Girlfriend #Mean

When I do stand-up for a long time, I'll get burned out, then I'll get an acting gig. For me, the grass is always greener. I'd like to do a mixture of all of it. My goal is just to do small movies that I've written. That's what I'm trying to do now, just write smaller movies.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Writing #Goal #Long

There was a long time where I was an 'artist' in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I also never had a girlfriend.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Girlfriend #Artist #Long

Reciting lines is hard; making stuff up is much, much easier.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Stuff #Lines #Easier

That's one of the great things about comedy: we can - and should - say the things that other people aren't supposed to say. If we didn't do that, if we didn't push against those limits, we'd just be standing around onstage and yelling.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Yelling #People #Limits

I've never been in love... But I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Feelings #Arriving #Imagine

I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night, so I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza's star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out, 'Who's the boss now?'
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Stars #Drinking #Night

I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Writing #Night #Trying

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Funny #Finding Yourself #Clerks

I don't know what my assistant would do besides get me pot.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Weed #Marijuana #Smoking

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Smell #Onions #Scratches

My New Year's resolution was to stop saying 'You go, girl' to myself.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Girl #New Year #Years

People are trying to prove things. And I probably have that. I probably do. Probably guilty of it, in a way.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#People #Trying #Way

When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#School #People #Choices

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Funny #Dream #Moving

Tigers love pepper...they hate cinnamon.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Hate #Peppers #Cinnamon

I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Brother #Dark #Comedy

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Girlfriend #Littles #Looks

I like to read the bible in public places where people are watching me read it. And I like to mumur out to myself: 'Bullshit!'
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Bible #Bullshit #People

The problem with these interviews is that there's no sarcastic font.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Sarcastic #Interviews #Fonts

I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. She said 'What are you doing?'
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Death #Suicide #Grandmother

I have a 60-acre farm in North Carolina, and I have a tractor and a farmhouse. As soon as I groom the land, I want to put cabins around and have a place where people can write and hang out. It'll be either that or an all-black nudist colony.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Writing #Land #People

I used to be really cute. I could send you earlier photos where I'm stunning. But I've gained about twenty pounds over the past two years, and the more weight I've put on, the more success I've had. If you drew a diagram of weight gain and me getting more work, a mathematician would draw some conclusions from that.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Cute #Past #Years

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Funny #Children #Mean

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Funny #Brother #Shoes

I call my balls the bush twins.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Funny #Balls #Twins

I don't like cursing in movies. I feel like cursing has become the new hackiness. You try to find substitutions for cursing.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Trying #Cursing #Feels

I am going to be the next Ryan Gosling.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Next

Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Long #Done #Fats

American society loves to prop people up and then take them down.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#People #Props

Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Too Much #Influence #Outside Influences

You know, sometimes if you work - if you do a lot of takes and you work long hours, for me, at least, there is a delirium that starts kicking in on the fifteenth hour, and that can help. Below the just thirteenth hour is where I have a concern, because everybody's so tired.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Tired #Long #Kicking

My forte is awkwardness.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Forte #Awkwardness

I am not into publicity. I'm not good at it. I get anxiety about it.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Anxiety #Publicity

My real last name is Galifianakisburg.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Real #Names #Lasts

I haven't been hit since Leon Spinks hit me in '92.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Leon

I just try to keep myself a traditionalist. I liked being an underground comic doing my thing. I want to maintain that. I just do.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Trying #Want #Comic

I understand Tea Partyers' anger with the system, but they are in way over their heads and often racially motivated, and I can't be part of that.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Tea #Way #Tea Party

I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Greek #Cheese #Body

I'm not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office. I'd have to go back to school or something.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Running #School #Law

I've been happily dedicated to the same woman for a number of years. I never even look at other women.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Years #Numbers #Looks

It's not good for comedy to be like, 'Thanks for liking me.' Being popular is poison.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Poison #Thanks #Comedy

My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Dad #Laughing #People

Privacy is big for me. To do interviews even, I have a very love/hate with it.
-- Zach Galifianakis

#Hate #Interviews #Privacy